r/eldercare

I’m honestly just mentally exhausted and I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ve been living with my grandma and taking care of her, and for the longest time I just thought this was what I was supposed to do. I always thought I would live with her and take care of her until she died. But I’m starting to realize how unhealthy and abusive this situation actually is.

She is mean and hateful to me constantly. She’s negative about pretty much everything, and I feel like I hear the same questions over and over every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. I know she’s getting older and I know she needs help, but I honestly don’t have the patience anymore. I feel mentally drained all the time.

My boyfriend recently moved out, and I honestly think living in this situation has put a huge strain on our relationship over the past few years. It feels like everything in my life has been affected by living here.

Even my kids don’t really come around because of how mean she can be. And that breaks my heart.

But the part that really made me stop and think is that she has become physically abusive toward me. She has put a knife on me. She has slapped me in the face about five times and punched me twice. I’ve never wanted to put my hands back on her, and I won’t. I know I can call the police, but I’ve always had this mindset that she’s my grandma and I’m supposed to take care of her no matter what.

Now I’m realizing that I’m actually in a domestic violence situation too.

The problem is, I literally have nowhere to go. I never planned on leaving because I thought I would be here until she died, so I don’t have money saved for an apartment, deposits, moving expenses, etc. It’s me and my dog, and I’m not willing to give up my dog just to get somewhere safe.

Has anyone been in a situation like this with an elderly family member? Is there actually help available for someone in my situation with getting out, finding housing, deposits/moving costs, and somewhere that will allow my dog?

I’m not looking to abandon my grandma. I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life being her caregiver while being verbally and physically abused. I feel guilty even saying that, but I’m exhausted. I need to get out and I need to figure out how to do it without ending up homeless.

Hello. I am trying to manage my moms house and cat from long distance while she is in a NH with dementia. I have been trying to keep her home going so she can visit and see her cat. I feel she would lose hope if she couldn't get away and visit her old place. I pay a neighbor to look after her house and cat but that is not a long term solution. Not sure what to do. Other things are piling up as well. Any suggestions would be great. Thanks

My mom (79) can’t hear and refuses to get a hearing aid. Our conversations are beyond frustrating resulting in me raising my voice and her getting frustrated. Her husband says nothing about it - at least when I’m around but I’m pretty sure not even when they are alone.

But unfortunately I don’t see him doing anything about it. It’s the same thing with them. She can’t hear and ultimately he raises his voice and she gets angry.

The other day I begged her again to get a hearing aid and she said I should just be glad she’s alive. Unfortunately her husband won’t have the hard conversations with her, and she’ll only listen to him. But nope it’s all on me.

The most infuriating thing here is that if he told her to get a hearing aid she’d do it immediately. He is the only person she listens to and he could fix this immediately.

Edited: Removed “worthless pu$@y” lol because that was my anger showing. He just refuses to have any hard conversations.

Edit 2: I brought down the heat a lot lol because I was very angry when I posted this originally. Sorry if I was offensive, and for my use of some not so nice words. 😳🫢 🤦‍♀️. This has been going on for two years and I was at my breaking point.

I’ve shared some of the ideas you guys provided with him via text and asked him if he’d be willing to discuss them with her.

Someone mentioned medical fatigue and every light bulb went off. I hadn’t heard the term before but it is absolutely what is happening. She has been through a tremendous amount physically. Thank you for your comment because it helped me understand her much more. 🩷

I'm at my wits end trying to deal with thousands of dollars being extracted from my mother by political operatives. She is receiving hundreds of deceptive text messages per day that claim I.E. she needs to "complete her political profile" and which include a link, but the link simply leads to a donation page. She believes these messages are coming directly from national politicians and she is getting dopamine hits from the false sense of importance attached to this belief.

It seems that these operatives are exploiting some of the exposed weaknesses of elderly citizens - the inability to mentally filter out spam, loneliness, and feeling irrelevant.

I acknowledge that my mom's money is hers to do with as she pleases, but there is something inherently cruel and immoral happening to her here, and I'm struggling to find solutions that are not cruel and immoral themselves.

The courts, the carriers, and the phone manufacturers have made it clear that this cruel and immoral behavior is nonetheless legal, and they don't appear interested in doing anything about it.

My mom has always been frugal, and has kept her campaign contributions below $100/year until recently. Taking her phone away, or her credit card away, aren't good solutions because she still uses them for daily life.

Had anybody found a way to deal with this?

My gram has been in assisted living since August under the assumption that when her house was sold we could start paying her rent. The house finally closed yesterday for only 5k under asking 🥹🥹

To have this massive stressor completed feels UNREAL. The first offer backed out during attorney review and the second kept having the closing date pushed back -- well out of NOWHERE the closing happened yesterday. I just cannot believe it. I said if the closing happened on my Grandpa's birthday that it was a good thing meant to be ... Yesterday was his birthday 🪽🪽🪽

I had absolutely no idea how to sell a house. I am so proud of how I handled everything. Now it is only managing her finances and keeping up with consistent monthly visits (I'm 3 hours away) but having the house off my list is just remarkable. I needed to celebrate here!

We want something simple that will contact family and friends/or emergency services when she falls.

My father has always struggled with tech, but it keeps getting worse as he ages. He’s got an iPhone but constantly messes up all his passwords (my brother and I reset them all and wrote them down but my dad somehow managed to screw that up and change them again)

I let him borrow my work iPad since I never use it, because I thought a bigger screen would be helpful. He called me the other day because he locked himself out because he forgot the passcode. (This is my company’s property but that’s on me 🤦🏻‍♀️)

He can’t even understand the difference between the gmail app vs the chrome browser, I had to make a key with the app icons and descriptions on a PDF. He somehow set this to be his profile image for iCloud.

I’m considering getting him a computer instead because it might be easier since he has used them in the past and a bigger screen and keyboard would be helpful. He’s turning 75 in a few weeks so it could be a nice gift…but would it be worth it?

I’m at my wits end with being his constant IT support and he lives an hour a way and has no car so it’s been rough. Any advice is appreciated!

Hi all,

My wife and I are planning and trying to determine how we need to prepare - mentally and financially - for the care of our parents as they age and begin to need help.

My wife's parents (long divorced) are both in their 50s and fully disabled - one on VA disablilty and the other on SSI disability. Considering their current medical issues, we are expecting them to begin to need serious help and medical care a lot sooner than most.

Neither of them have any form of financial footing, so we are trying to understand how we can help with their care in their old age with dignity without bankrupting ourselves.

We dont have the means/additional space to house them ourselves, and that really isn't an option for both due to the divorce anyway.

Is anyone familiar with any forms of assistance that is out there for elder/disabled care, or are we essentially just stuck with the bill and need to start figuring it out?

Is this something pretty much all adults need to figure out? I have heard some hard, but noble, stories about the sacrifice it can take to care for parents, but I'm shocked how little Ive heard about the financial burden involved.

Does anyone have personal experience similar to this that they can share? I'm sure this isnt that unusual of a situation, and I'm sure some adult children have had to figure it out in a worse financial situation than ours. I would also guess that it's even more difficult when parents aren't disabled and have no money saved up.

I'm sorry if my thoughts/concerns here are out of touch or insensitive. I am completely inexperienced in this area, and I wasn't sure where else to start. Very open to any suggestions and advice! Thanks in advance!

My Mom is in an assisted care in a state I do not live in. I was informed by a medtech several medications ordered did not come to the building and my Mom was sent to a nearby hospital. It sounded like it was a blood pressure pill. My issue is they have no reasonable explanation. She gets easily upset if billed by other hospitals. Should I try to get a better answer? I was told by the Nurse they sent her to hospital for her shaking and then she wanted to know what technician reported the issue to me. I figured the technician needs to report it before it got to this problem! I was not sure her name. To my knowledge, a facility charging 4900 a month needs to do better. This can not be the norm or can it?

Located in Washington County, PA. Revised to avoid certain words.

My mom has been severely unwell since my dad passed away a few months ago. She has developed intense paranoia—she is completely refusing to let anyone into her home, thinks there is toxic mold everywhere, and is terrified that her bills aren’t paid and that the local authorities are coming to take her house away. I am incredibly worried about her health, but because of her paranoia and the threat of her escalating, I do not feel safe going to the house alone to check on her. I am currently in her area keeping my distance for my own safety.

I found out my sibling might already have an open file for her with the local county agency on aging/elder services, but I don't know the full details yet.

I called the local mental health crisis line to coordinate a professional mobile wellness check. I wanted a team trained in de-escalation to go out, handle her panic gently, and evaluate if she needs a hospital assessment. Unfortunately, the crisis line informed me that because she doesn't meet the strict legal definition of being an immediate physical danger to herself or others, they cannot force an evaluation. Furthermore, they are required to notify her ahead of time that they are coming. Because she is paranoid, telling her they are coming means she will just lock the door and escalate, so that plan is stalled.

I am trying to figure out if there are other angles I can leverage to get eyes on her without putting myself in danger. Possibly Elder Protective Services or maybe her primary care doctor?

I am completely exhausted and trying to handle this with a clear head. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.

So I'm going to an old-age home for the very first time and I'm totally clueless about what to give them that could actually make them happy or better than their usual days. Ik some would say just bring something to eat and all but khana to sab hi khila dete h and I wanna give them something that's actually useful ya fir esa kuch jo dekh kr vo log khush ho jae.

If you have some really good ideas then do let me know.

Bit of a long one but hoping someone on here might have some experience with this because as a family we’re pretty much out of ideas.

My aunt had a stroke about 3 years ago and has basically been bedbound ever since. She’s also got hydrocephalus with a shunt, hemianopia, is very overweight, arthritis in her shoulders/thumb and generally can’t move without a lot of pain. She’s broken the same ankle twice falling from her wheelchair and had a burn on her shoulder that took nearly 2 years to properly heal.

She does get carers every day but they basically come in, change her pads/do basic personal care and leave. Her partner has ended up doing pretty much everything else and managing her whole life. She’s got her own health problems as well and tbh after 3 years I don’t think the situation is fair or sustainable for either of them.

The other weird thing is my aunt’s cognition.
Sometimes she’s completely normal. You can sit and have a normal conversation with her and she’d seem totally compos mentis. Other times she’s away with the fairies. She’s genuinely believed she can walk even though she hasn’t walked in years, claimed she’s recently got up and walked, tried arranging a trip to Australia and often has no idea what time of day it is.

But whenever doctors/social workers speak to her she seems to be able to switch it on somehow. She’s had capacity assessments several times and keeps passing them. Meanwhile her partner could probably give you 100 examples of stuff she’s said/done that would make you seriously question that.
One thing I’ve noticed recently is the Oramorph might be playing a part in this. She takes about 5mg up to 5 times a day. I was with her recently before she’d had any and she was completely lucid, then she had some and not long afterwards she was talking absolute rubbish again. Obviously I’m not saying that’s definitely the cause because she’s got a complicated medical history, but the difference was pretty hard to ignore. She’s previously been on codeine as well and she drinks alcohol, so surely someone needs to look at all of this together?
She’s also admitted she’s thought about suicide in the past. She’s not currently suicidal and we don’t think she’s going to do anything, but obviously that’s another concern.

The frustrating part is we’ve been trying to sort this for years. Doctors have been out regularly, district nurses, hospitals, private physio, multiple capacity assessments, social services/safeguarding, we’ve written to the council, contacted our MP and she’s even spoken to a neurosurgeon. The neurosurgeon basically said there wasn’t much else they could offer.

And yet 3 years later nothing has really changed. She’s still in the same room, in bed, almost completely reliant on her partner.
It just feels like everyone looks at their tiny part of the problem and then disappears. Nobody seems to actually look at her whole situation and say “right, this clearly isn’t working, what are we going to do about it?”

So what do we actually do now?
Do we need to specifically ask for a Care Act assessment, NHS Continuing Healthcare assessment, OT assessment, multidisciplinary review etc? Is there some sort of person/service that’s actually meant to coordinate all of this?

Also how do we get the cognitive stuff properly looked at when she keeps passing short capacity assessments but is completely different at other times? And who should we be pushing to properly review the morphine/medication side of it?

And at what point does someone actually assess whether being cared for at home like this is even realistic anymore?

Not expecting Reddit to diagnose her, just hoping someone who works in the NHS/social care or has been through something similar can tell me what the hell we’re missing.

Any advice genuinely appreciated.

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An end-of-life doula pointed out that dehydration could increase, or maybe diminish, tinnitus as someone went through VSED.

I say: Does it matter greatly? Wouldn't the person be listening to it no matter the course picked?

I'm referring to a case of sensorneuro tinnitus, meaning from age, hearing loss, and sound exposure.

The alternative would be to eat, but continue drinking until consciousness was becoming scarce.