r/eldercare

My mamaw is 79 years old and hospitalized with pneumonia. She has poorly controlled diabetes- thinks a blood sugar of 250 is a good thing, congenital heart failure, and kidney problems. Takes medication for diabetes, heart, and daily opioids for spinal surgeries from the early 2000s.

I used to be her caregiver until it was time for me to move out of state. My dad lives next door to her and assured me he had it in hand. He has not. Ive documented a lot of neglect. I got wind she was in the hospital and made the trip to see her. She told me she had been coughing up blood for the past few weeks and feeling sick. My dad and his wife didnt take her to the doctor. She ended up calling an ambulance for herself and has been in the hospital since Friday.

Last night she had the thing up her nose for oxygen and the nurse said her heart was at 62% and her kidneys were not where they wanted them. Blood sugar is controlled. She was having a hard time conversating with me, couldnt catch her breath and struggling to breathe.

Today I saw her again and in the span of 13 hours she was visibly worse and had a mask over her nose and mouth for oxygen and could talk even less. She said she feels no better than when she first arrived despite antibiotics. I also noticed her nails look black.

Her whiteboard boasts a big DNR label and her goals entail a reduction in oxygen and being able to walk to the bathroom.

I called adult protective services and when they got back to me, I was informed that the hospital told them they intend to send her home today.

She has no support at home because my dad didnt take time off work and he is regularly gone 4 days a week and his wife refuses to care for mamaw.

I am shocked and angry that they are releasing her, I feel like she will die if she goes home now. I dont understand. Am I missing something? The nurse told the social worker that they 'have no concerns'.

Is it normal to release an elderly patient in this condition?

Sorry if I break any rules. I have no idea what to do and this seemed like the best place to post about this.

My grandfather has memory issues that have progressively gotten worse since my grandmother died in December of 2025. Until recently, my parents and my uncle went back and forth on taking care of him. He had a girlfriend from early march until they broke up three weeks ago. While they were dating, he kept insisting that we all have family dinners together since he was planning on marrying her.

On Friday, my grandfather moved into a retirement facility in our area. Because my parents are out of town this week and next week and because he was new and nervous, I offered to have dinner with him three times this week (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday). I had dinner with him Monday and everything with him was normal.

I got a call from my mother last night saying my grandfather has met a new woman that he is in love with. She wants me under no circumstances to meet this woman because she wants there to be a boundary between my grandfathers dating life and his family life.

I got a call from my uncle earlier today asking if I still planned on going out to dinner with my grandfather tonight and I said yes. He said that my grandfather invited his new girlfriend to our dinner tonight and to "scope her out" for him so he knows what my mom and him are about to deal with.

I don't know what to do. I made the reservation at his favorite restaurant for just the two of us but it is early in the evening and I can easily make it a 3 person reservation. I don't have strong opinions on meeting her or not, I just didn't want him to be lonely his first week in a new home. I don't know what to do. Please send advice

UPDATE: I called my grandfather and he told me to change the reservations for three people instead of two. I played dumb and asked who he was inviting. He said he wanted to invite his new friend and that he wanted me to feel her out. I asked for her name and he couldn't remember. I asked why he wanted me to feel her out and he couldn't put into words what he was thinking. I waited patiently for him to respond while he was stumbling on his words but it sounded like he wanted me to chaperone his date. Under no circumstances do I ever want to watch my grandfather go on a date. I told him I could remove myself from the reservation so he could he could have a nice date on his own and he stated I had to be there. I gave him two options, 1. he goes out to dinner with me or 2. He goes out to dinner with his friend. He said he wanted to go out to dinner with me

He calls me again just now and informs me that us arguing earlier is the reason for his memory issues and that I am no longer allowed to argue with him. Apparently, he got himself lost while on his way to an appointment and my uncle had to gps track him and help him get back to the facility. He then scolded me (something he never did, not even when I was a child) and told me that I had two options from now on, I either could have dinner with him and his friend or I was no longer invited to have dinner with him. I had said nothing up to this point and wished him a lovely evening with his date.

I have been trying to pull myself together and not cry at work but this is hard. I don't know how people can be full time care givers. It's so hard watching him be someone so different than the grandfather I had growing up. This is so frustrating.

Especially the solo caregivers, may the Heavenly Father bless you. 🥹

I am looking for heartwarming stories that basically leave you feeling happier about our world. This request is not for me but for my 85 year old mom who is mentally sharp but has lost her sight to glaucoma. Mom is becoming increasingly depressed listening to the news and the state of world politics, and I think an uplifting read would help her tremendously. She can listen to audible books.

If anyone has a favorite or two and would like to share, I’d really appreciate it.

My uncle in law has t2 and his current socks are clearly leaving marks but he's been buying the same brand from the same store for 20 years and doesn't see the point in changing. His doctor mentioned it at his last appointment which helped a little. Has anyone navigated this with a stubborn older parent and actually gotten them to switch?

I'm a physio living away from my parents. They're in their 60s (still healthy, still independent) but I still worry about them every day and feel guilty I can't hang out with them or get them out to be active with me.

A lot of that worry comes from work. I see two kinds of patients constantly:

• Parents in their 70s and 80s living alone, telling me their kids don't really know how they're doing day-to-day.
• Adult kids in their 30s and 40s quietly worried about parents a flight away.

Funny how the tables turn when you get older lol. I started working on something for myself, basically a way to have some sense of how my parents are doing without calling and interrogating.

How it works: my parent wears the smartwatch they already wear. Twice a week I get a short email, just a few sentences. "Mom walked 800 more steps than yesterday. Sleep was steady. Resting heart rate 62, same as usual."

I thought I'd share here incase people thought this was interesting

We recently moved my 75 year old father into memory care (he has Wernicke-Korsakoff). It was a very difficult decision but he was starting to get lost, wander from home at night, etc.

He's been at the home for barely two weeks and my family has been called twice by the administrator saying someone had to come stay with my dad because they lack the staff. Both times they have asked for this after some pretty severe behavioral incidents with my dad (aggression and physical violence towards staff and other residents). Is this normal? It's a corporate chain facility, not cheap at all, and the whole reason we brought him here is because no one in my family can afford to orient our lives around his care needs (which are considerable as his brain degrades). Any tips??

Location: Long Island
Please help. Is it legal for the nursing home to kick her out with no safe departure or place to live? These are here words in this post.

My appeal is probably to late and I know the only reason they can say is I’m a danger to the staff and the staff is obviously going to say whatever he tells them just like this whole time and my proof will never be heard or looked at just like this whole time. I need every news channel called I researched every person outside the obvious the names are locked up and I don’t have the energy I’m to weak and blind there’s the Harold something there’s a few names I never heard of besides 7 on your side channel 12 and other big popular ones. I have to look up news channels that help people who are treated illegally and are being attacked and are being caused brain and eyesight loss several times because of malpractice because the attemp was murder also insurance illegal imprisonment for 2 in a half years and was caught lying and nothing was done charge nurses going into patients rooms to call the same patient the accusation that the patient was tested for and lied when the test came back in one day and still locked her up for months and now is doing it again for four months with no fresh air and causing her seizures and hiding it and the patient who room the nurse went into the nursing director and the charge nurse that went in to call the poor patient the accusation the found several of the exact items and he pleaded guilty and nothing happened to him. Now they are throwing this patient out with no safe departure with severe brain damage and eyesight loss caused by the director and primary doctor of the nursing home facility and it’s illegal and they never renewed her Medicaid insurance which she gave the insurance department all the documents needed four months ago more insurance fraud. Now they are kicking her out 15 days before her Medicaid is supposed to be renewed illegal and not letting her remove her huge amount of belongings to her storage unit and her financial and other safe items to a safe place. They are still after four months illegally keeping her from moving her belongings and told her to take them all with her when they kick her out. This is what I need BLASTED ALL OVER EVERY WHERE!!!

My mother (72F) has been living with me (32F) and my husband and children since 2019. We bought a house together after my father died and i have been her main caregiver since. She has RRMS and has been wheelchair bound since 2013. Over the years has only ever needed occasional help, but has been mainly independent with most ADLs. Over the last 6-9 months i saw a slight decline in her ability to care for herself. Things like basic hygiene, going to the doctors, taking my advice, letting me assist, etc. She has always been a very refusing person but it just got worse and worse as time went on. I noticed about 6 months ago her hair was matting and she wouldn't let me do anything about it. I offered to bathe her, cut her hair, and help her but she refused telling me "you are not my mother and its my choice if i want to chop my hair off or not". Which, she is correct. I can't force her to do anything (i'm not her guardian/conservator or anything else in that nature, and she has been of sound mind). She also has had worsening of her bladder incontinence and again, refused any assistance with this care. She stopped seeing her neurologist in 2022 when she informed her that she no longer needed to be on injection medication for her MS (she was stable and her neurologist felt that the meds wouldn't worsen nor improve her condition any longer). I tried encouraging her time and time again to get at least a PCP and she aways refused.

Fast forward to about mid March, and my husband and I were going out of town to Arizona for a week (we live currently in WA). I asked my SIL to stay at the house to keep an eye on my mom and help her if/when she needed it. About 2 days after we had left, my SIL called me and informed me that my mother was hallucinating and was leaned over in her wheelchair and she was unable to move her. The hallucinations have happened before in the past, and typically they are a sign that she has a severe UTI. I had spoken with my mother that morning and she sounded fine, but by evening she was not. I ended up asking my SIL to call 911 and have her taken to our local hospital to be seen. When she arrived she was covered in urine and feces (i'm assuming this happened during the day when my SIL was at work, as when she got home to my house that evening that is how she found my mother) and they hospital also noted about her hair being matted. Because she was hallucinating and not able to give answers, the nurse decided to file an APS report that I was neglecting her. When my mother finally came around and was feeling better (she did in fact have a severe UTI and it turned septic very quickly) she explained to several people that i have never neglected her and that she made the choices she had because its her right to make those. She also was constantly refusing services in the hospital and the SNF upon discharge (which all was documented).

Now we get to present day. She has been home from the SNF for about a month (I was the one who requested the SNF because i did not feel like she was a safe discharge home and the hospital was okay with it) and she has been doing pretty good. I was able to talk her into cutting her hair off while there (she is still upset with me over this), she has been doing OT/PT (not very willing but is doing it) and she has been allowing me to do more for her. We decided a few weeks ago that we would work on Medicaid paperwork and look into Adult Family home or long-term placement for her just as her level of care now after all this is a little more then what i'm comfortable doing, and all has been pretty good.

However, today I received a phone call from APS regarding the allegation. I was interviewed over the phone, and it was pretty straight forward. She did say at the end of the phone call that she thinks this case is going to lean more towards unsubstantiated but she is not sure on a time frame of when the case will be concluded. I'm unsure if APS ever actually visited my mother in the SNF (she saw a LOT of people and she can't remember who all she talked to and who was who), and no one has been to the house at this time nor called her to speak with her about this. I would be lying if i said i wasn't terrified over all this. No one likes to hear that an APS allegation has been reported and that you are under investigation for neglect. I have been caring for my mother for many years, and even though i'm tired and its a lot sometimes, i made this choice because i love my mom and i wanted to give her a good life for as long as i could without having her placed in a home. I would never do anything to harm my mother, nor would i ever neglect her or deny her of anything she wants. I tried for a long time to convince her to let me help more or let me do things for her, but i couldn't force her to do anything against her will and she knew that the choices she was making were harmful to her. She told me today that she never would have made these choices if she felt for one moment that they would harm or affect me as that is not what she ever intended. I just don't know what to do or think. Has anyone else been in this situation and can shed some light on it? Anyone work in APS and maybe can give me some advice?

Looking for recommendations for home health aide for my mom at home either agencies or people who do this on the side. She lives in Boston,Mass.

Hello! My partner's mother has been sick for decades at this point, but recently she was diagnosed with liver cancer. Because she's unhealthy in many other ways, she won't qualify for a transplant and is on palliative care.

She recently left a rehabilitation facility that was miserable (we aren't even sure she was getting all of her medications, and they definitely weren't arranging her doctor visits like they were supposed to). He wanted to do this for her because it's probably the last time she'll get to stay in her own home, but it has been a monumental effort. (Aside from the actual caregiving, she was a semi-hoarder - including pets - and cleaning the place took weeks of evenings and weekends. We still don't know what to do with the pets.)

Fortunately/unfortunately she has no resources. State programs are kicking in, thankfully, but basically until she goes into a nursing home or other facility, my partner has basically moved in. Fortunately we live just a few blocks away, but he can't leave her for more than 30 minutes or so unless someone else is there. Last night he came out for my son's birthday dinner, and he was gone for less than 2 hours. When he got back, she had gone down several concrete steps and was looking for him in the garage.

That's super scary - she knew where he was, so this was a memory lapse. That means that she could just wander outside down the street or something. She's fallen several times already.

She's also been trying to open my partner's bedroom door at all hours of the night, looking for him. It sounds like a zombie horror movie, and he's so, so exhausted.

He's been working remotely from her house, but he does have to go into the office sometimes. The last time I was able to spend a little time with her before I left for work, and an old friend of hers came by for a bit, and then a neighbor popped in here and there until my partner made it back.

The state's program is lining up in-home care, but they haven't found anyone yet. Who knows how long this is going to take. And even then, it's just 20 hours a week. She'll have some other services coming in regularly, but nights and weekends are going to be all him.

Are there like babysitters for this? Can we independently pay a CNA to sit with her for a few hours once or twice a month? Are there issues with insurance for the CNA?

Open to any other suggestions. It's only been a couple of weeks, and he's looking disheveled and intensely stressed out.

My grandmother is 91 years old and my Auntie is running her into the ground both financially and emotionally. My grandmother had 12k between her money market, savings, and checking at the first of January. She had way more but over the past couple of years she has bought several cars, bailed her out of jail/paid off fines, lawyers, on top of providing everything else for my Aunt who acts like she is entitled to all this. She also ruined her credit by taking out 3+ credit cards and maxing them out at 10k each. We have tried Adult Protective Services but my grandmother tells them she is fine and she knows what my Aunt is doing and is okay with it. The only problem is she is about to be flat broke. We can sell her condo and she can live with us, but my Aunt will not be allowed to be anywhere near. My grandmother really enjoys her independence though. She watches my daughter (and my daughter watches her) she enjoys waiting for her to get off the school bus and she goes through her papers. It has given her something to look forward to each day and helped her to keep track of the days.
My Aunts behavior is abhorrent. I heard her one day and she was asking my grandmother for money and my grandmother told her No, so she just kept asking rapid fire gimme,gimme, gimme, just over and over and it drove me nuts in just the short time it took me to get there and shut her down. I just cannot always be there and my grandmother always breaks because she says she doesn’t have the energy to fight it. I’ve tried to talk to my aunt but she goes crazy and screams and leaves.

Has anyone had any experience is there something I am missing as far as what I’m saying to Adult Protective Services?

Hi all, I have a quick question. My mom has alzheimer's and is needing increasing aide care. As many of you know, aide care absolutely blows through money. She meets the income level to qualify for the PA Waiver for home care assistance, but she has squirreled away savings over her lifetime, and the minimum is $9k in PA, which she is above (~200k in savings excluding her house which is valued at ~300k). In another lifetime I imagine she saved this for her children, but the reality is we need this for her care over the next few years. We prefer to have her stay at home rather than an assisted living situation, because she would rapidly decline there.

My question is, HOW can families wait until savings gets THIS low ($9k) to apply for the waiver? That is dangerously low and wouldn't support her in an emergency, plus it takes time for the paperwork to go through. I was told on the phone we can transfer "some funds out" and provide a justification as to why when we apply. How much out?? I googled around and Medicaid doesn't want to see more than 19k transferred out over a 5 year period.

What is the minimum in savings one should have to apply for the medicaid waiver for in-house assistance? We can spend down what she has, and then apply, but I need to know when that should happen.

Thank you all so much. I am desperate here. I have spent thousands out of pocket over the past year because I didn't want to dig into her savings, only to realize that we need to spend down her emergency/retirement funds completely. She has been rapidly declining and will probably burn through this savings pile quickly. If we spend down EVERYTHING, how will we fund anything going forward? clothes, food, etc? I am so confused 😞

Looking for an afordable fall detection device for my elderly mother who fell last week and will be coming home from hospital soon. She had one years ago and didn't like it because they tried to talk to her and shes very hard of hearing. My smart watch has fall detection which seems like the cheaper way to go? Anyone used one with elderly or have other suggestions?

I (23f) live about 2 hours from my grandma (78f), we are planning a trip to see my dad (my grandma and dad have had a bad relationship in the past but we just saw him 3 months ago and everything was fine). Anyways she can’t remember that we saw him 3 months ago and is insisting that we don’t stay with him even though I asked him and he said it was ok. I’m really worried that she is starting to decline and I don’t know when or how to make sure she’s ok. She comes down to see me every 2 weeks or so and I worry so much about her driving. She also will ask you the same questions over and over again like ask me about my friend several times in one conversation. She lives with her boyfriend of 15 or so years and he seems to be fine just immobile for the most part.

When should I start to intervene and when should I be very concerned about her driving? She seems to remember events very well and have a good long term memory so she’s really good at remembering where she is and where she is going as long as she frequented those places for a long time otherwise she gets lost. I’m extremely concerned but I also never dealt with this before and don’t know what steps I can take to make things easier for her. Please help me out.

My mom is 86 and is at the point where she's finding it increasingly difficult, and sometimes impossible, to use her iPhone 16, even though she's had iPhones for 10+ years. She suffers from poor eyesight, congitive decline, and an inability to control finger movements. I'm thinking about trying a Jitterbug Smart4. Anyone have experience in this area? Thanks.

My mother will be heading to in-patient short-term rehab after a hospitalization. My experience of such places is that they must be watched like a hawk to ensure decent care. I am not local, and there are no local family members willing to visit her regularly to make sure she's getting rehab at the appropriate cadence and that she's being well taken care of generally.

Are there any services one could pay for that would send someone to visit here in order to ensure that she is being properly looked after? I know that there are patient advocate services, but they seem to focus more on coordinating care, etc.

Thank you.

Location: Nebraska

I’m trying to find out whether other people have experienced anything similar involving a parent in a nursing home, a sibling with POA, and facility staff treating the POA as if they have authority to control the resident’s communication with family and outside advocates.

My mom is in a nursing facility. My sister is her POA, but there has been an ongoing pattern of my mom’s communication with family and outside advocates being controlled, restricted, delayed, monitored, and obstructed by the facility and through reliance on my sister’s POA. My understanding is that a POA is not the same thing as guardianship, and my mom has repeatedly expressed wanting contact with me and other family members.

For months there have been issues involving blocked visits, restricted communication, refusal to facilitate callbacks, and staff treating family contact as illegitimate or inappropriate. A police officer who spoke with the facility and my sister told me that my mom is allowed to make calls, but that all of her calls have to be three-way calls. The officer also said that calls with me specifically were being restricted because my mom allegedly becomes upset after talking with me.

On May 16, my mom used another resident’s cell phone to call me because, according to the resident, she otherwise has to make calls in a public “bullpen” area where everyone can hear. During the call, staff confronted both my mom and the resident. A staff member identifying herself as the house supervisor stated that my mom was not allowed to use the resident’s phone and referred to an “official form” being required for “transfer of property ownership.” The resident objected to staff trying to physically take his phone and repeatedly said it was his property.

Afterward, that resident called me back and said my mom had asked him to pass along a message that she was not able to call me on the facility lines. He said she was only allowed to call my sister, although he thought she might be allowed to receive incoming calls.

Later that same day, my adult son called the facility trying to speak with his grandmother. He clearly identified himself as her grandson. Staff repeatedly refused to let him wait on hold while they located her and instead insisted on a callback. When he again asked to wait, the staff member responded, “No, I’m not playing this game, Kim,” even though my son had already identified himself as my mom’s grandson. My son clarified who he was and explained that I could be heard in the background because we live together. Staff still refused to let him wait and ended the call without connecting him to his grandmother.

The part that concerns me the most is the ombudsman issue. Staff told me that my sister/POA would need to approve my mom’s contact with the Long-Term Care Ombudsman. When police became involved, police were told staff would need to check with the Director of Nursing regarding my mom’s access/contact with the ombudsman. That does not sound lawful to me. I thought nursing home residents had the right to contact the ombudsman privately and without needing POA approval or facility permission.

I have already tried Adult Protective Services and that route has not been effective. I am now filing a complaint with the state health facility investigations/licensure complaint process regarding resident rights, communication restrictions, and ombudsman access.

Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

Specifically:
- Can a POA require that all calls be three-way calls?
- Can a facility prevent or delay private ombudsman contact?
- Can staff refuse to connect family calls and insist on callbacks that never happen?
- Has anyone successfully challenged communication restrictions like this?
- Did an ombudsman, elder law attorney, state complaint investigation, or another agency actually help?

I’m not asking anyone to act as my lawyer. I’m trying to understand whether other people have encountered nursing homes treating POA authority this broadly and what practical steps actually helped.