u/Sad-Background-3495

My mother (72F) has been living with me (32F) and my husband and children since 2019. We bought a house together after my father died and i have been her main caregiver since. She has RRMS and has been wheelchair bound since 2013. Over the years has only ever needed occasional help, but has been mainly independent with most ADLs. Over the last 6-9 months i saw a slight decline in her ability to care for herself. Things like basic hygiene, going to the doctors, taking my advice, letting me assist, etc. She has always been a very refusing person but it just got worse and worse as time went on. I noticed about 6 months ago her hair was matting and she wouldn't let me do anything about it. I offered to bathe her, cut her hair, and help her but she refused telling me "you are not my mother and its my choice if i want to chop my hair off or not". Which, she is correct. I can't force her to do anything (i'm not her guardian/conservator or anything else in that nature, and she has been of sound mind). She also has had worsening of her bladder incontinence and again, refused any assistance with this care. She stopped seeing her neurologist in 2022 when she informed her that she no longer needed to be on injection medication for her MS (she was stable and her neurologist felt that the meds wouldn't worsen nor improve her condition any longer). I tried encouraging her time and time again to get at least a PCP and she aways refused.

Fast forward to about mid March, and my husband and I were going out of town to Arizona for a week (we live currently in WA). I asked my SIL to stay at the house to keep an eye on my mom and help her if/when she needed it. About 2 days after we had left, my SIL called me and informed me that my mother was hallucinating and was leaned over in her wheelchair and she was unable to move her. The hallucinations have happened before in the past, and typically they are a sign that she has a severe UTI. I had spoken with my mother that morning and she sounded fine, but by evening she was not. I ended up asking my SIL to call 911 and have her taken to our local hospital to be seen. When she arrived she was covered in urine and feces (i'm assuming this happened during the day when my SIL was at work, as when she got home to my house that evening that is how she found my mother) and they hospital also noted about her hair being matted. Because she was hallucinating and not able to give answers, the nurse decided to file an APS report that I was neglecting her. When my mother finally came around and was feeling better (she did in fact have a severe UTI and it turned septic very quickly) she explained to several people that i have never neglected her and that she made the choices she had because its her right to make those. She also was constantly refusing services in the hospital and the SNF upon discharge (which all was documented).

Now we get to present day. She has been home from the SNF for about a month (I was the one who requested the SNF because i did not feel like she was a safe discharge home and the hospital was okay with it) and she has been doing pretty good. I was able to talk her into cutting her hair off while there (she is still upset with me over this), she has been doing OT/PT (not very willing but is doing it) and she has been allowing me to do more for her. We decided a few weeks ago that we would work on Medicaid paperwork and look into Adult Family home or long-term placement for her just as her level of care now after all this is a little more then what i'm comfortable doing, and all has been pretty good.

However, today I received a phone call from APS regarding the allegation. I was interviewed over the phone, and it was pretty straight forward. She did say at the end of the phone call that she thinks this case is going to lean more towards unsubstantiated but she is not sure on a time frame of when the case will be concluded. I'm unsure if APS ever actually visited my mother in the SNF (she saw a LOT of people and she can't remember who all she talked to and who was who), and no one has been to the house at this time nor called her to speak with her about this. I would be lying if i said i wasn't terrified over all this. No one likes to hear that an APS allegation has been reported and that you are under investigation for neglect. I have been caring for my mother for many years, and even though i'm tired and its a lot sometimes, i made this choice because i love my mom and i wanted to give her a good life for as long as i could without having her placed in a home. I would never do anything to harm my mother, nor would i ever neglect her or deny her of anything she wants. I tried for a long time to convince her to let me help more or let me do things for her, but i couldn't force her to do anything against her will and she knew that the choices she was making were harmful to her. She told me today that she never would have made these choices if she felt for one moment that they would harm or affect me as that is not what she ever intended. I just don't know what to do or think. Can anyone shed some light on this, and does anyone have advice they would be willing to share? I know they have to do their job because there are times these things are true, but i just feel so heartbroken that this is something i'm being accused of, and that my life hangs now in the determination of what someone else believes is or isn't true.

Location: Washington

My mother (72F) has been living with me (32F) and my husband and children since 2019. We bought a house together after my father died and i have been her main caregiver since. She has RRMS and has been wheelchair bound since 2013. Over the years has only ever needed occasional help, but has been mainly independent with most ADLs. Over the last 6-9 months i saw a slight decline in her ability to care for herself. Things like basic hygiene, going to the doctors, taking my advice, letting me assist, etc. She has always been a very refusing person but it just got worse and worse as time went on. I noticed about 6 months ago her hair was matting and she wouldn't let me do anything about it. I offered to bathe her, cut her hair, and help her but she refused telling me "you are not my mother and its my choice if i want to chop my hair off or not". Which, she is correct. I can't force her to do anything (i'm not her guardian/conservator or anything else in that nature, and she has been of sound mind). She also has had worsening of her bladder incontinence and again, refused any assistance with this care. She stopped seeing her neurologist in 2022 when she informed her that she no longer needed to be on injection medication for her MS (she was stable and her neurologist felt that the meds wouldn't worsen nor improve her condition any longer). I tried encouraging her time and time again to get at least a PCP and she aways refused.

Fast forward to about mid March, and my husband and I were going out of town to Arizona for a week (we live currently in WA). I asked my SIL to stay at the house to keep an eye on my mom and help her if/when she needed it. About 2 days after we had left, my SIL called me and informed me that my mother was hallucinating and was leaned over in her wheelchair and she was unable to move her. The hallucinations have happened before in the past, and typically they are a sign that she has a severe UTI. I had spoken with my mother that morning and she sounded fine, but by evening she was not. I ended up asking my SIL to call 911 and have her taken to our local hospital to be seen. When she arrived she was covered in urine and feces (i'm assuming this happened during the day when my SIL was at work, as when she got home to my house that evening that is how she found my mother) and they hospital also noted about her hair being matted. Because she was hallucinating and not able to give answers, the nurse decided to file an APS report that I was neglecting her. When my mother finally came around and was feeling better (she did in fact have a severe UTI and it turned septic very quickly) she explained to several people that i have never neglected her and that she made the choices she had because its her right to make those. She also was constantly refusing services in the hospital and the SNF upon discharge (which all was documented).

Now we get to present day. She has been home from the SNF for about a month (I was the one who requested the SNF because i did not feel like she was a safe discharge home and the hospital was okay with it) and she has been doing pretty good. I was able to talk her into cutting her hair off while there (she is still upset with me over this), she has been doing OT/PT (not very willing but is doing it) and she has been allowing me to do more for her. We decided a few weeks ago that we would work on Medicaid paperwork and look into Adult Family home or long-term placement for her just as her level of care now after all this is a little more then what i'm comfortable doing, and all has been pretty good.

However, today I received a phone call from APS regarding the allegation. I was interviewed over the phone, and it was pretty straight forward. She did say at the end of the phone call that she thinks this case is going to lean more towards unsubstantiated but she is not sure on a time frame of when the case will be concluded. I'm unsure if APS ever actually visited my mother in the SNF (she saw a LOT of people and she can't remember who all she talked to and who was who), and no one has been to the house at this time nor called her to speak with her about this. I would be lying if i said i wasn't terrified over all this. No one likes to hear that an APS allegation has been reported and that you are under investigation for neglect. I have been caring for my mother for many years, and even though i'm tired and its a lot sometimes, i made this choice because i love my mom and i wanted to give her a good life for as long as i could without having her placed in a home. I would never do anything to harm my mother, nor would i ever neglect her or deny her of anything she wants. I tried for a long time to convince her to let me help more or let me do things for her, but i couldn't force her to do anything against her will and she knew that the choices she was making were harmful to her. She told me today that she never would have made these choices if she felt for one moment that they would harm or affect me as that is not what she ever intended. I just don't know what to do or think. Has anyone else been in this situation and can shed some light on it? Anyone work in APS and maybe can give me some advice?