Yea.. growing up in an asian household. Only my dad expect shits from me, and beat the shit out of me. I never felt enough then I always felt that I hate him. Lately he turned into a better person but still I cannot forgive him. Maybe it’s my doubt that he’s doing this for me to somehow takecare of him when old? Other ppl in my family is lovely. RN am in college, specifically in medschool which is stress enough then he be rpessing me on grade? Bro if am not a moral perosn, I’ll beat the shit out of u. But holding on to violence is a bad things for oneself and to ppl passing on so I’ll not do that. I wante dto became better.
I go in compet or many things. I was seen as a gifted kids( even tho in a small circle). I was a class clown, I always think “how do i have ppl have attention at me”. It felt like i was shining. But apart form that i an nothing. And bc of that, I dont think ppl with take me seriously. I always wondered why ppl have what i dotn have, why is it that the other kids get the toy while I sits and watch.
I know ppl would just say things like “ stop craving then”. BRO I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE LIKE THIS. This like if homeless, get a house respond.
RN am a failure who failed to conduct anything, I never had anything I wanted. And unless I stop this, I’ll never be.
And bc of that everything I does, I just misses the purpose. I always been doing things good at first then later on I felt like i need to do more, do things for attention, to be praised. Like how other ppl, other kids was praised when I didn’t as a kids( even more, clowned on).
Now my guilt is that. Regardless some ppl in my family always done good for me when I did nothing. Why? Why must someone such as me receive love? It does not make sense.
Yea that’s just something in my head. It always hunted me my whole life. I once felt that if I just became a shit human being, I would’ve think that this’ll be normal. But no, that’s just creating one more abomination to humanity. So I really really wanted advice to beat this thought. I stayed with myself in my own thoughts. Wel circling arounf it sounds worse.
I dont rlly had anyone to talk to, one is that I dont felt like they understood me. Ppl i talked to would’ve give me that stupid advice. “Stop doing it.”. WOW if it works, there’ll be no problems in this world