u/GymBird12345

I met her in college. I found her attractive and funny, but I intentionally kept some distance and kept things as just friends. The main reason was that our lifestyles and values didn’t really align.
I’m more focused on things like travel, fitness, and building my career, while she was more into partying and had some habits I didn’t want to be around. Despite that, we kept spending time together after class, playing video games and talking about life, and over time I grew to care about her.
About a year and a half later, she showed up at my house one night needing a place to stay. I took care of her, and around that time, things started to shift. By graduation, she had met my family, and I started to feel more attached to her.
From my perspective, it’s important to understand that I had never had a girlfriend before. I had my own insecurities and very little experience with relationships. At one point, I invited her over, and it came out that she had feelings for me. I was attracted to her, and she immediately wanted a relationship.
I told her I would be willing to try, but only if she made real efforts to move away from certain behaviors, specifically drugs. She agreed to that.
Things started off rocky. About a week into that period, I got into a serious car accident leaving her place. If I had not reacted as quickly as I did, I probably would not be here. That same night, she went out partying, and I did not see her again for a couple of days. That stuck with me.
When it came to sex, I was inexperienced, and my mindset was more about trying to make her happy than anything else. What I valued most at the time was simply having someone there, someone to share space with instead of being alone.
She emphasized that sex was important to her. She was on birth control, and she told me that past partners did not use condoms and that if I insisted on that, there would not really be a point in having sex.
I made it very clear that I was not ready to be a father and that I wanted protection. She reassured me that if anything happened, she would get an abortion and that I should not worry. But for me, it was not just about that. I did not even want to be in a position where that decision had to be made.
Despite that, there was continued pressure. At one point, she even suggested she might have sex with someone else if I was not willing. Eventually, I gave in, even though I was not fully comfortable with it.
Not long after, I got a message from her on Snapchat saying she was pregnant and that we would talk about it after she got off work. We had only been together for about three months.
That night, I went to talk with her in person. Almost immediately, she told me she was not going to terminate the pregnancy and that I was a bad person for even expecting that. She said, “Do you think I wanted this? I wanted to go out and get messed up,” and also told me, “This does not affect you, I am the one who has to deal with it.”
Then she told me she had already been pregnant for about a month, and during that time, she had been using cocaine.
I asked whether anything was going to change moving forward. Instead of answering, she became defensive and escalated the situation, accusing me of calling her a “druggie” and a “piece of shit mother,” even though I had not said that. At that point, it felt like any attempt to have a grounded conversation about responsibility or change immediately turned into deflection and personal attacks.
After that, the dynamic did not improve. It intensified. She began to guilt trip me regularly, framing me as the problem regardless of what was actually happening.
What stood out most was the pattern. It did not matter how carefully I communicated. I could be calm, measured, and even try to speak in a way that mirrored therapeutic language, and it would still trigger defensiveness, accusations, or a complete reversal of responsibility.
At one point, I even used AI to help phrase things more carefully just to avoid triggering those reactions. But the outcome did not change. Over time, it became clear that the issue was not just communication. Any form of accountability seemed to immediately trigger a defensive response.
There were many instances where things were said to me that felt extreme or out of proportion. I stayed calm and made a consistent effort not to escalate, but the volume and intensity of those moments built up. Documenting every example would be difficult because the pattern was consistent and hard to ignore. I began to suspect there may be deeper underlying issues I had not recognized before.
I did not attend the first sonogram because of how unstable things had become, though I did attend a later one. I was told I was deeply hurtful, but from my perspective we were constantly fighting and did not have a stable foundation. At the same time, she refused to come around my family, or come over, when I’ve seen her whole family, who I had to hold my tongue around.
I was also told I should not spend money on things like my hobbies because there was now a baby coming.
During this time, I became aware that she was texting another guy who was openly making sexual comments toward her. She told me nothing happened, but given everything, it was hard to fully trust that. She also admitted she had cheated on every past partner but claimed I was different. She told me that she loved me like nobody else, she could never get over me, and that she was glad she was in this situation with me. Things would shift from the reoccurring pattern, to her telling me how much she loves me.
At times, she would joke about getting pregnant on purpose and then walk it back when I reacted. That kind of inconsistency added to the stress. The same patterns, defensiveness, blame shifting, and instability, continued for months.
Despite everything, I stayed in contact because I care and feel invested in the situation. But mentally, it has been exhausting. Learning more about her upbringing has helped me understand her behavior, but understanding it does not mean I can handle it indefinitely.
I have started to accept the reality that this child will likely be born under these circumstances. I have tried to be patient and supportive, but the patterns have not changed.
I feel conflicted. I recognize I played a role in how things unfolded, but I also feel like I was pressured into decisions I was not ready for. I have beat myself up about this so much.
I care about the child and worry about what their life will look like. At the same time, I am questioning how much involvement I can realistically handle. I am in graduate school, and from both a logistical and mental standpoint, I do not know how I could fully take on that responsibility right now.
I feel a lot of sadness about the situation. I worry that the child may grow up experiencing some of the same instability I have seen, and that is not something I would want for them. At the same time, I feel a sense of responsibility. I think the child deserves at least one stable person in their life who can offer guidance and support.
At this point, I do not fully have clarity. What I do know is that I am overwhelmed, mentally drained, and trying to figure out what the right path forward