I cant live without my dad the rest of my life.
I was 19 when my father passed from Colon Cancer. Its been almost 8 years. It really hasn't gotten any easier. I cant do another 30 years or more of living without him. Im barley surviving as it is. My life has been hell ever since.
He was my best friend. We did everything together. There was never a moment we were apart for most of my life. He had always been sick and we were raised to know one day we would come home and he wouldn't be there anymore but cancer was unexpected. He was 63.
Right after highschool I had moved to another part of the country to live with my brother and his family to go to school. I did move out on my own after about 3 months. I knew his time was coming, I knew I needed to distance myself to make it easier when it happened. I had watched a lot of people die very young. I had a process of grieving. It wasn't a year since I left when my dad got diagnosed. 9 months later he passed. The Easter after that my brother decided he no longer wanted to be with his wife and essentially told the kids 10 minutes before I came over and then left. Left me to deal with crying kids. No explanation no nothing. Since then he hasn't spoken a word to me, basically off the radar. His wife and kids moved away and then he left, leaving me alone in a foreign place 4 months after my dad's passing. I was alone.
My family has basically forgot I existed. I speak with my mom but we never had a great relationship. She never cared to have kids really not until my dad died now she tries.
Im getting married in August, i am excited but i dont know how ill get through the day without my dad being there. Nobody is coming but my mom and one of my other brothers, not the one who left. Ill have no family attending. I just feel lost. I love my husband. Thats not the issue. Its just already going to be a hard day and being that nobody is there it will just make it that much harder.
These years since my dad died ive just completely lost myself. I feel like im just progressing in a story that died the day he did. I lost my best friend. My husband still has both his parents, his parents have their parents. Everyone my age has their parents. A part of me died that day and I dont know how to get it back.
I just needed to vent. Thanks.