Relapsed ED due to unrealistic expectations.
Im hoping someone has any words to help me understand why my body isnt good enough unless its a last resort. ..
My husband watched porn our entire relationship and I was none the wiser. It started to affect our sex life worse than it already was about 1.5 years ago (we would have sex 1x every 2-3 months. I was the initiator for majority of those times. He would also need to jack off prior to us having sex so he could "last longer" so it was more "enjoyable" for me). He didnt care to kiss or hug me/hold my hand...none of it. When he wanted sex he'd just feel me up and because I was so touch starved I allowed it.
When he was actively watching i had tried several times to plan nights when the house was empty to make content with himso he wouldn't watch them but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME there was an excuse from him on why he didn't want to do it.
As soon as I told him my boundary (that id leave him high and dry if he used it again) he was all of a sudden interested in making content with me. He was all of a sudden SO excited to do it and had made sure he got everything prepped and the camera at a good angle.
He's admitted he thinks those girls are pretty and have petite bodies. I am 35 years old, 132lbs at 5'6 but I've had 3 kids. My stomach and body look disfigured compared to these beautiful women.
It's wrinkled, I have no belly button because everything sags. It's just a big flap of wrinkled skin when his"thing" is nice bellies.
I've had issues with food and have binged, restricted, and purged. Its been this way since i was 16. This summer i was able to get a grip and started taking more care of myself but after getting more details about him watching and who he was watching...all I can think about is how I'll NEVER live up to these expectations. Even if I got plastic surgery i would still not hold a candle to them.
He can watch/pay for porn and ignore several pleas for making content with me...but now its so easy? Now all of a sudden when you dont have access im the last resort?
He says hes not watched anything since last June but all of his complements fall in dead ears. All of them.
How are you going to sit here and tell me my body is the hottest thing that you've ever seen but you tried everything you could to get away from me being in the videos you watch?
All I want to do is restrict and sleep but I have 3 kids to care for (15f, 14f, 4m). Leaving isnt an option as I'm filing for bankruptcy because my business went belly up. My friends...bless them they encourage their partner to watch porn because they want to be left alone and not touched. I dont really have any support.
How do I view my body differently now?
It seems impossible.
Any advice is greatly appreciated 🤍