u/H4G_Flipper

My girlfriend and I have been a couple for more than 4 years now. She is a university student and I’m working as a journalist. Her studies aren’t going so well which is only partially her fault. Most of the university stuff is not designed in favor of the students. For almost 2 years now she has been trying to get her first degree in law but because of the troubles the deadline for her diploma always keeps getting pushed back almost half a year. The problem is that after the diploma she needs to do a traineeship. The location of that is given by the state and highly dependent on her mark which is famously impossible to get good.

We can agree that when the traineeship is due and she needs to move to another city, that we want to move in together. Because of that I’ve been holding back with significantly changing my life in our current city, because I’ve been wishing for her to succeed every time the deadline got set back another half year. 

Over that time I’ve become increasingly frustrated and unhappy with my job, my social life and my living situation (I am in a shared apartment). The process of changing, finding and getting rid of a new job or flat would almost take as long as the intermediary time would take until we'd move for the traineeship.

This year something changed though. After the couple last setbacks in her study, we decided to move in together in her apartment to get rid of my living situation and the stress of never knowing when moving to another city comes into effect. When the time came to make arrangements and I already announced to my roommates that I was moving out three months upfront (which is mandatory), she came forward and declined moving in together. She told me that she felt pressured and was never up for moving into an already occupied apartment by one of us. 

We had a really nasty argument, because I felt quite betrayed. I had already cancelled my apartment and we also found follow up tenants for me. I told her that I understand her feelings and that those are valid, but she should and could have told me. So that I wouldn't have made plans to move out. 

She never really understood my point of view and told her family and friends that I tried to pressure her into moving in together, because I would think that it’s time now. Although I would’ve been fine with living on my own and waiting if the situation would’ve been different. I don’t mind that her studies aren’t reliable and would’ve been fine with waiting and putting my problems aside. But I always thought that I could’ve relied on her to also take some of that burden and help me out if the need arises.

In the end we decided to postpone the problem to February/ May of 2027 when we’ve had a clearer picture of her future and pleaded with my roommates to stay in my shared flat, to which they agreed under the restriction that I had to move out in May 2027 for the next tenant.

I decided to work a bit more to save some money in case she would again decide to not move in together and asked for changes in my Job. So that I could reliably search for something myself and look at the relationship only on an emotional level. And I’ve communicated that. To which she agreed, that we would then move in together and she would try to repair the trust in her.

Now the time has come for my current problem: She told me that she needs to stay here for another year. I told her that I would be fine with that and asked her how we would move on from there. She told me that she would still like to move in together when the traineeship comes but until then rather not. To which I responded that I am disappointed and hurt to hear that.

We’ve talked again and I tried to explain, that I think it’s unfair, that I am the only one who has to bear this negative development and by moving alone having to buy new stuff which im missing (Kitchen, washing machine, etc.), paying a rental deposit and having to agree upon a minimum rental agreement of 2 years (which is quite common here). And then having to do that although only partially again.

My point is essentially, that if we want to continue the relationship together, I don’t want to bear the responsibility and cost of moving several times in 1 to 2 years without my own influence alone. And that in case to trust her, that she keeps her future word to move in together and keep the relationship going, that I need her to share the burden of the circumstances and the living situation now, after the last incident.

I’m really at a loss here and don’t know how to proceed. I’m not mad at her for being unsure or uncomfortable about moving in together now, but life isn't always how we want it to be and what is mild discomfort for here, are really big problems for me, that have actually worsened my mental health. Our relationship apart from that is really good and I see my future with her. But at the same time I can’t  help but feel that I’m being taken advantage of and always having to deal with shared consequences of my own.

So what do you think about the situation? Am I making this worse than it is or do I need to move on?

TLDR: After 4+ years together, my girlfriend keeps postponing moving in together due to her unpredictable law studies, while I’ve repeatedly put my own housing, job, and life plans on hold waiting for our future together. After she backed out of moving in at the last minute and I had to undo my plans, she now wants to postpone again for another year, leaving me facing the financial and practical costs of moving alone and potentially moving again shortly afterward. I understand that she’s uncomfortable with moving in before her traineeship, but I’m struggling with feeling like I’m the only one bearing the consequences of our shared plans—am I being unreasonable, or is it time to stop putting my life on hold? 

Edit: She has not been lying to her friends nor family.