u/Haelrezzip

I feel so isolated in my real life right now. Like deeply, painfully alone.

I feel like I’m outgrowing my friend group for a couple different reasons, but a big one is how they view porn. They’ve supported me at times and said they feel sorry for what I went through, but there’s always some comment like “not all porn is bad” or “not everyone who watches is addicted.” It even echoes what my (now ex) therapist has said, and it makes me feel completely invalidated.

It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I really am the problem. Or that I should forever keep my beliefs and views to myself. Like maybe I need to just accept that most people think this way. Maybe I need to just accept I’ll never find friends who align with me in the way I need or a partner. I don’t even know where to find people who feel safe to me, especially in my large city.

I tried one online S-Anon group for a while and even that didn’t fully feel like a fit because not everyone there is anti-porn either. I’ve thought about seeing a CSAT, but I don’t think I can afford one right now and none seem to take my insurance. So I feel kind of stuck without real support.

Part of me is also questioning why this matters so much to me, and I think I have yet to experience true understanding in real life that doesn’t include weird comments about how “not all porn is bad” or “you’ll never find a man who doesn’t watch” or that “not everyone who watches is addicted.” No matter the support I get from someone, they ALWAYS slip in comments like that. After what I went through, I undeniably associate porn with secrecy, deception, and being reduced to something disposable. It’s hard for me not to see it that way.

I’m also scared to date again because I feel like I might latch onto someone just to feel safe and then end up betrayed all over again. I also just don’t want to date anyone who watches it. I made peace with being single, but not completely alone with no support system.

I just feel really alone and like I have no safe space to talk about this without being dismissed or told I’m unrealistic. Has anyone else felt like this or found ways to cope or find community? Maybe I should try to find an S-Anon group where people are actually anti-porn?

Ugh. I hate this. I really just hate all of this and who I am now. Kinda just feel like the burden my ex-boyfriend probably saw me as when I demanded he stopped.

I really just need to keep to myself. I feel like I have no safe space to vent or talk about how pornography and the normalization of certain kinks is harmful. I’m just so freaking done. DONE.

Last night I made the stupid decision to talk to a friend about my last therapy session about my (now ex) therapist. I explained to my friend that the original conversation was about how objectify-y sexual comments and porn culture triggers me, especially after what I’ve been through. I explained how the session shifted to kinks, and I said that things like age play, “barely legal,” or schoolgirl roleplay makes me really uncomfortable because they feel PDFILE-adjacent to me. Just for context, my therapist pushed back hard, saying those aren’t inherently harmful and are common fantasies if two adults consent to them. That they aren’t predatory or PDFILES as long as children aren’t actually involved. The session turned into a debate. She cut me off a handful of time while I was talking and I ended up feeling like we were having two different conversations.

This is the part that hurts. I told my friend about this and how did the person respond? They said they get why I’d be uncomfortable and that just means I don’t have to participate in it, but that yes, just because someone engages in “age play” or an “age regression” kink doesn’t mean the people involved are predators or that it is a PDFILE-related. That people will engage in these behaviors as a way to “explore safety in a time they didn’t feel safe.” And I shouldn’t make a blanket statements such as that “age-play is PDFILE-ic.”

Y’all… I am tired. I am so EXHAUSTED by the “no-kink shaming” mindset. Yes, I’m going to shame age-play. The words kink, arousal, and ANYTHING pertaining to children, should not be in the same sentence. I believe that those communities and normalizing this behavior is a breeding ground for folks who have bad intentions. And us normalizing these spaces and normalizing these kinks only allows those with bad intentions to feel justified in their behavior. Predators can, and do, use these communities to interact with minors. Any person who wants to be physically intimate with other people while they call them "dada" in a baby voice is a PDFILE (or at least has very concerning tendencies).

Repeatedly pairing of childlike cues with arousal raises ethical questions for me. Even when it involves consenting adults, I believe that sexualizing childlike roles can blur important psychological and social boundaries, and in open or poorly moderated spaces, that creates risks that shouldn’t be normalized. I hate that I’m so sensitive to this.

Lmao I hate that I could potentially LOSE friends over thinking this way, and that I am immediately told to “see the other side” when talking about ANY OF my view of porn, porn addiction, (some) kinks. I am done. I’m just so done.

(Sorry also adding that I love this friend to death. I’m just more so frustrated with the “don’t kink shame” culture and it SUCKS not having friends in close proximity who share my views, beliefs, and experiences. I have one friend who does but she lives far away and we don’t talk about these things anymore for whatever reason).

Hey everyone, I need advice about something that happened in therapy because I feel really shaken and don’t know if I’m overreacting.

I’ve been seeing my therapist for almost two years and she has helped me in some ways, but this last session really triggered me.

I was telling her how certain comments from friends trigger me. For example, a friend said about people on TV that “they wished they could see them have sex together.” Stuff like that makes me feel angry and uncomfortable because it feels like people are just casually objectifying others and “undressing them with their eyes.” I don’t say anything to my friends because I don’t want to shame them, but internally it bothers me.

I also explained that after everything I’ve been through, I value feeling safe, intentional, and emotionally connected when it comes to sex. I’m not engaging in casual sex right now, and sometimes I feel like the odd one out in my friend group because they are more casual, make sexual comments, or are into things like porn and polyamory. I told her I feel almost “too pure” or overly conservative compared to them. I told her I feel so angry about how normalized it is to objectify people and I don’t want to have judgmental thoughts.

Her response was basically that most people have fantasies, most people watch porn, and that if I keep having judgmental thoughts about others, I could end up isolating myself and harming my relationships. She also said she’s concerned my thought processes could turn into me seeing sex or masturbation as dirty, which I clarified is not how I feel at all. I more so just see porn-influenced sex as “bad” or “dirty” (if I can even use that word?)

The conversation shifted into kinks and she said “you would agree that if people consent to having sex with each-other/doing a kink, you shouldn’t yuck someone’s yum” if it’s consensual. I said I mostly agree, but I do think there are some kinks that feel wrong to me, like age play, schoolgirl roleplay, “barely legal,” or anything that feels pedophilic adjacent. I made it clear I wasn’t saying my friends are into that, just that those things make me uncomfortable about our culture.

She pushed back pretty strongly and said those things aren’t inherently pedophilic and that lots of people have those fantasies and it doesn’t mean they are predators unless they act on it in real life. She started getting more intense in tone, even raising her voice a bit, and I felt cut off and not really listened to.

I tried to explain that I feel like porn has normalized a lot of things that make me uncomfortable, especially taboo categories like age-play, and that I struggle to believe there are truly “casual” porn users given what I’ve experienced. She kept emphasizing nuance and that not everyone who watches porn is addicted or unhealthy.

I do understand there is nuance, and I even agree that I don’t want to isolate myself or judge everyone. But the way the conversation happened made me feel dismissed and honestly kind of alone. It felt like a debate instead of her trying to understand my triggers and where I’m coming from.

I also feel like I blocked out parts of the session because it was so overwhelming.

Now I’m left questioning everything. Am I becoming judgmental or developing an unhealthy view of sexuality? Or was I not being heard in a moment where I really needed support?

I feel fragile right now and this brought up a lot for me. I’m even questioning whether I should continue seeing her, but I don’t want to make a rash decision.

Has anyone else experienced something like this in therapy? How would you handle bringing this up again? And does my reaction to these topics sound unhealthy, or does it make sense given the context of betrayal and trauma from porn?

She obviously isn’t anti-porn but she does believe that porn addiction is real and it destroys relationships and can involve abusive dynamics and betrayal trauma. I really just need some perspective because I feel kind of lost and afraid. Kindly, be gentle with me.