u/Hair-control

So this last discard was probably the worst one for sure. She seems completely done this time. I like most of you have read the messages over and over again to find my own faults and wonder if I replied differently. Ultimately it probably would have happened again a different day. I broke down and had an anxiety attack and sent multiple emails begging to be in her life then sent one but I love you and I'll always here here message. Was told to stop sending her stuff so I listened this time and didn't chase. Ended up having panic attacks to the point my Dr said I had extremely high heart rate and I was given medication to help it. Two therapy appointments in a week. Why do we keep going back if we know it's bad for us, even now I still hope she reaches out even though my body is telling me it needs rest and can't keep doing this.

I'm at the point of our breakup where you overanalyze everything and wonder what if. I keep thinking what if I handled this response differently or what if I listened differently would it have all been saved or would I have just lost at the next time. Rereading texts and overanalyzing them on how I should have actually replied or thinking my messages were too short. I was Always exhausted but what if I just pushed a little harder would it have helped. What if this time when they said please don't contact me it's just another test since in the past I was told I didn't chase enough, Even tried to explain texts etc go both ways and saying don't contact me means don't contact her. She said a real man fights what he wants and would just show up at her house or message a different way. I'm respecting the request of no contact this time though instead of chasing harder and massaging again or in a different way like email etc like I have in the past. I got told this time it's final because our last break I went on a date and got head from her and she doesn't share. She has went on the same dates and also tried to move on but what if I didn't do my side, what if I would have waited instead.She said I was always saying the one thing she needed to hear and when I would ask what that one thing is she said she shouldn't have to teach me. I tried to ask all types of different questions like she asked but was always told it's the wrong question or I was asking self serving questions. What if I did just ask different ones instead of getting defensive when the little tests keep coming up. Is this a normal response to feel like you constantly are saying what if even if the what if sounds ridiculous?