u/HairMundane8105

First time posting on here but I'm at the point where I am seriously doubting myself and need some opinions outside of my circles.

I (36F) and my husband (36M) have been married for 14 years. The beginning of our relationship was pretty rocky and our first year of marriage was horrible. I almost left at least twice. He had been in the Iraq war a few years prior to us getting married and PTSD was something he was trying to ignore. It got to the point where I said we had to go to marriage counseling or I was filing for divorce. He agreed and we went for about a year while he was transitioning out of the military for medical reasons. Things got better and we had an amazing relationship up until 2022. He stoped really participating in his PTSD therapy and became extremely depressed and feeling like he no longer wanted to live. I tried doing everything I could think of to be supportive while still going to school full time and taking on the primary parent role with our 2 sons. In September of 2023 I had become so miserable I decided to make some time for myself and go to therapy. Talking to my therapist really helped me talk about some abuse I had never spoken of before. It was sexual abuse that happened before my husband and I got together. At the time it happened I was only 18 years old. It happened in the work place with my direct supervisor. He threatened to kill me if I told anyone and at the time I truly believed he would. I buried that trauma deep down and tried to pretend it never happened. Little things would pop up over the years but for the most part I kept myself extremely busy and for the first year I self medicated with alcohol and treating my body like absolute trash. Then when my husband and I got together I felt like I was being seen and loved for the first time in my life. I felt like with him I would be happy and I foolishly believed that I could forget anything terrible that happened in my past. Going to therapy got me talking about the abuse I suffered when I was 18. I had started hinting to my husband that I was talking about past trauma and that it was nice to get it off my chest. He asked me what the trauma was and I told him over and over that I did not want to talk about it. I wasn't ready. We argued and he got it out of me. I do not want to go into any details about what it was but he didn't believe me and told me that there was no way that could've ever happened to me. Him not believing me was my #1 fear when I was deciding on telling him about it with my therapist. He's been mad at me ever since. Saying that I betrayed him and lied to him for our entire relationship because I didn't tell him about this trauma. I keep reminding him that I buried it deep and the only person I told about it was when it happened and they decided that they didn't believe me and refused to file anything against my supervisor. He says that doesn't matter and I ruined his life by keeping this from and but I also ruined his life by telling him about it. So for the last 3 years any feelings that I have for pain that this has caused me has been completely dismissed since he believes he's hurting more and that should be the only thing we are focusing on. I'm at the end of my rope. I told him I would leave and he could be happy without me brining him down but he tells me if I leave he'll unalive himself. He doesn't want the kids being raised by another man. I told him I have no intention of dating ever again. I have little faith in the male population right now. He tells me I need to stop rushing his healing process but I'm not trying to rush anything for him. I am tired of being treated like crap and him acting like I cheated on him while I am trying to heal from this trauma at the same time. He said he wants me to understand how he feels. Other then understanding how he could feel betrayed I am struggling to just put myself in his shoes since its my trauma that has him feeling this way. I don't know how much longer I can keep getting punished for this and I wonder if it's even worth it to try. He told me he doesn't think he'll ever trust me again. Is it worth it to try and work things out? Im really struggling and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

thanks to all who listened.