Groomed at 15, wanting closure
Groomed at 15, looking for closure.
I’m looking for advice on how to get justice after the statute of limitations has run out and the DA said I didn’t have enough proof. I really want to expose my abuser because he now teaches in colleges and writes both adult and children books. I was approached by another student that he did similar things to her too.
Here’s the background:
When I was in HS at 15 my boyfriend killed himself and I was a wreck. It was some of the darkest times in my life where I was like a zombie just going through the motions. His 40 year-old English teacher approached me to share in this loss. Eventually, he began to blur the boundaries, pass me notes, text and use AIM to communicate with me. I want to clarify that I have a lot of shame for my role in the relationship and through processing and legal counsel was informed that this was a power differential with him being the 40 year old adult that knew better and was manipulating me. His attention got a need met during a difficult experience that I was already trying to just survive.
This gradually turned into sexual advances, inappropriately pouring his hand down my pants in school, secret meetings at concerts and eventually meeting in his home. The reasoning behind going to his house was because I was recording music that he was putting in an educational project that he was editing for the Spanish teacher’s documentary. The Spanish teacher had no idea the situation she apart of until I later told her years after it happened when she asked me due to suspicions. The English teacher’s home was full of kids toys like Smurfs, ninja turtles and transformers.
I hated how sneaky he made me because he threatened to jump in front of a Mack truck if I stopped seeing him and that it would be my fault if he went to jail. The threat of suicide was so manipulative because the suicide of my boyfriend was the only reason he approached me. Things continued to escalate as time went on. He knew all the right words to say. He’d chaperone the French club trips and spend most of the time playing music on his iPod with me or sitting next to me on the trips to Canada. It came to an awful point where he convinced me to go to his hotel room when all the rest of the students were sleeping to have sex. It’s petty traumatic to recall the glow of the tv and him being pantless. The full sexual act took place in France on a school trip.
Upon getting back home, (supposedly) his best friend called my mom and told her about what was going on. I have to say supposedly because my mom is an alcoholic with bipolar and BPD with a history of lying. The teacher immediately contacted me to delete my AIM history again with the threat that he’d Jill himself or go to jail. He had already been demanding all physical notes to be handed back to him so he literally had all of the proof or had me destroy it.
My mom contacted the school district to report him and I had a meeting with the superintendent where I denied everything due to how high the stakes were. The school district was able to find enough cause to tell him he either needed to surrender his teaching license or resign, with him choosing the latter. The last thing he said was some day we’d meet again and I’d have to apologize to him.
Since then, I’ve carried so much shame and it’s shaped my fear of a man talking advantage of me and my body doesn’t feel safe with sex so I dissociate. People that I went to school with used to spread rumors (which were mostly true) and I was described as the girl that fucked a teacher. I think it’s certainly shaped how long I considered myself fully responsible for the harm that happened. What changed things for me was watching the abducted in plain sight documentary back in 2019. I had no clue what grooming was until that point and was super triggered. I ended up looking up the teacher’s name only to find out that he was now teaching at several colleges, stole some of my creative writing pieces to develop a book he published and also wrote a children’s book. I decided that I needed help with addressing the inappropriate relationship and wanted to stop any possible manipulations he could do with future students (even though they would likely be adults). I was connected to PCAR (Pennsylvania coalition against rape) where their lawyers helped to connect me to the district attorney. I found out that I only had a few months left on the statute of limitations (12 years after the age of consent (18)). Recall, the teacher had me delete all physical proof. The police department called me for a statement followed by the DA saying sorry, there isn’t enough proof for charges. I did talk to one of the title XI coordinators for one of the colleges he worked at that took me seriously (he was also a former Baltimore detective) and they launched a complaint but the college (Arcadia) said that they would not pursue and further action. I did revive a Facebook message around 2020 from another student that was in his photography and creative writing club who was treated very similarly. She came to get own realization that she was groomed and manipulated. Someone more than twice our age knew better and had the responsibility for holding the ethical relationship and boundaries, not breaking them.
This brings us pretty much to today. I really want closure and justice. I want him to hurt like I’ve hurt for the past 20 years. The grooming and sexual actions took place from 2005-2008. What would you do? How would you heal? The recent news coverage of the Epstein files uses language that just keeps bringing this content to the forefront of my mind and I don’t want to be held down by it anymore.
I do ask for respect and kindness. I doubt that you’ll say worse things about me than what I’ve already thought about myself over the years. The self-hatred can be so strong. I don’t want to be bound by this anymore.