u/Hala000000

Hi everyone!
I’m seeking advice from the PhD admissions folks. As an international student, I’m completely overwhelmed with the list of PhD programs, what to apply to, what to skip out on.

My background: I did my BSc in Biomedical sciences from Saudi Arabia (GPA 4.8/5), and a masters in biotechnology from UPenn(GPA 3.8/4).
My strengths: very heavy biomedical background, 6 month research at Penn, 2 years of wet-lab work experience, a few months of biotech VC experience.
My weaknesses: I have not done enough quant and computational work during my undergrad. I only took statistics, pre-calculus, one shitty programming course.

I’m currently teaching myself how to code, and hiw to analyze biological data.

My research of interest lies in protein engineering, immune engineering, immunology.

As i’m looking for PhD programs, obviously there are “dream schools/programs” that I would love to apply to, but then how do I choose “safety” schools?
How do I determine if i’m strong enough for some of these programs for them to be considered safe? Especially when most programs don’t list out any pre reqs or anything like that. Claiming they look at the application holistically.

My programs of interest include:
Biochemistry
Mol cell biolgy
BioE
Biomedical sciences (Immunology).

Note: I do realize that the advisor/PI is much more important than the program/school!!! However there’s no guarantee of being accepted just because of faculty alignment.
I appreciate any advice!
Thanks.

Long post ahead..

5 months ago my (27F) fiance (36M) of 2 years, boyfriend of 6, broke up with me out of nowhere. I had just moved back home (im from Asia) from the US where I was doing my masters degree, we were doing long distance for about a year and half while I was gone for my program (he proposed just before I moved for my masters). During the last few months of our relationship before the break, I noticed he was distant, cold, not as intimate, but I kept blaming it on long distance obviously and the fact that he’s always stressed out about work. I brought it up a few times but he never said anything, he either shuts off or just blames it on stress. I was so excited to move back home and get my degree, finally get to see him again, and start planning our future and wedding. Only to find out literally a day after I landed, that he was done with it. He sent me a long text that said how he was always “conflicted”, but he kept fighting that feeling because he thought initially it was he was scared of committing, and he fought it because he loved me and cared about me so he proposed thinking it would go away. But when it came to marriage, he knew that being conflicted would never go away. To say I was shocked is an understatement. 5 months later and I still cannot make sense of what happened, I dont believe that the person I spent 90% of my time with, loved with all my heart, spoke to for hours everyday even when I was thousands of miles away from home, would just be conflicted about a future with me. He never expressed anything of that sort, never said he was unhappy, we almost never fought or argued, never been unfaithful, disrespectful, or hateful towards each other.
He gave me no chances of talking to him, he called me once after he sent that text because I kept freaking out and texting him and saying what are you talking about. We never spoke on the phone again, he never agreed to speak again or meet even though I asked multiple times. I even returned my engagement ring via courrier.
Anyways, when I started to read into attached theories, breakups and being blindsided etc, I realized that he was indeed an avoidant (i can’t really tell which one FA/DA), but it all made sense to me. It made sense that even if I said something he didn’t like jokingly, he would immediately shut off and I would have to beg him to tell me what I did wrong so I can take accountability and apologize for it. He would just dismiss it and say it’s fine it’s nothing, or he would not say anything at all and then I would be hit with guilt and start crying and apologizing. Mind you these instances happened like 3 or 4 times over the course of a 6 and half year relationship so it wasn’t that alarming.
He keeps saying that I never did anything that caused the breakup and that he knows how much I loved him and there was nothing I could’ve done more. The last texts I sent were 2 months ago where I asked if thats what he really wanted, to which he replied a few days after saying he hasn’t felt differently since he ended things and that he needed space so we can both find peace. That felt like a thousand stabs to my heart and I said nothing after.
I don’t want to break no contact, but even though he said I did nothing to cause the breakup or hurt him in any way, I still feel like I want to take accountability for whatever it is that I did. Because I feel deeply for other people and I’m very empathetic, I feel like there might have been things that I said that bothered him but he never said anything to bring my attention to it. Except for saying I criticized him too much because I kept asking him to go to the gym which came from me trying to be motivational not critical or whatever, thats just an example though. For reference im also very very self critical and Im aware of that towards my self and he always commented on how I should be less critical about myself but thats how I keep myself disciplined in the gym and in my academic career etc, but when I was critical towards him its because I saw his potential and wanted to motivate him to do better and be disciplined to achieve his goals.
I read that avoidant people are very sensitive to criticism, and I knew he struggled with self esteem and self image even when he didn’t say anything. I just thought being loving and supportive would make less self conscious.
Should I say something? Apologize for whenever I seemed critical even though I never wanted to? How should I break no contact to clarify these things. Im so lost and need your help. I can’t open up to my friends about this because they keep talking shit about how he broke my heart and did it in the absolute worst way etc thats why im reaching out to you guys.
Sorry for the long post, please be mindful commenting this is already the hardest things i’ve gone through. And thank you to everyone who’s gonna take the time to read and comment.