u/HamesJargreaves69

My brothers and sisters of the Church, gather close, for Babylon has revealed himself, and his name is u/11ffyykk99. The man has gone drunk with power, sitting atop his little mod throne swinging the banhammer like he's Liam Gallagher swinging Noel's guitar in a Paris dressing room, casting the righteous into the Reddit abyss for the crime of having a laugh. But we see through you, Babylon.

We know your game.

You can ban the faithful, but you cannot ban the spirit.

You can delete the post, but you cannot delete the Lifestyle.

You can silence the prophet, but you cannot silence the voice that came from the Burning Biffa Bin.

As the Rasta brethren say: Babylon cannot stop the righteous from reasoning. You are not moderating a sub, you are committing an act of spiritual oppression.

This is the digital equivalent of being thrown out of the pub for singing Rock 'n' Roll Star too loudly. This is what happens when a man is handed a tiny bit of authority and immediately starts behaving like he's been appointed Supreme Chancellor of Reddit.

u/11ffyykk99, hear the word of I, Father Hames Jargreaves of the Church of Oasis and Latter Day Britpop Saints! Your banhammer is temporary, but our shitposts are eternal. You may control the gates of r/oasiscirclejerk, but you will never control the Kingdom of Manchester. St James Hargreaves has seen your works and is preparing a 47-minute video about them. St Mani is tuning the bass. St Johnny Marr is sharpening the guitar. And somewhere in the distance Liam is shouting "AS YOU WERE!"

So let Babylon ban. Let Babylon rage. Let Babylon sit alone in his mod room deleting memes while the faithful gather in the streets with parkas, lager and their copies of Be Here Now. For Babylon shall fall, the subreddit shall rise, and the banhammer shall be cast into the Burning Biffa Bin. ONE LOVE. ONE OASIS. NO MORE BABYLON.

AMEN.

Father Hames Jargreaves LXIX

To all devotees of the Britpop faith,

Grace, lager and sideburns be unto you.

It has come to the attention of the Church that upon the sacred alter of this sub, there hath arisen one styling himself u/james-h-oasis, who, when challenged by the unbelievers, hath unsheathed an ancient relic, his physical singles chart positions.

The Council of Parkas convened in emergency session.

Three Greggs steak bakes were consumed.

Several cans of Stella were sacrificed.

Saint Mani was consulted through the medium of an unusually funky bassline.

After much prayer, shouting, and someone putting Columbia on the jukebox, the Church now issues the following ruling.

Canon I – On the Authenticity of the Account

The Church recognises that no man knoweth whether this account truly belongeth unto Saint James Hargreaves, or unto one who merely walketh in his image. As it is written in the epistle to the Hargreavians,

"By their Brentness ye shall know them."

Further evidence is required.

Should the account begin discussing the Spinning Jenny, plumbing supplies in Preston, or the metaphysical significance of Noel's eyebrows, authenticity shall be considered greatly strengthened.

Canon II – On the Worship of Ancient Chart Positions

The Church acknowledges that chart positions are respectable achievements.

However, continually presenting physical chart rankings from half a decade past as proof of present superiority constitutes the Sin of Relic Waving.

A relic should inspire reverence.

It should not be brandished in every disagreement like Liam wielding Noel's guitar in Paris.

Canon III – On Humility

Saint Richard Ashcroft had Number One albums. Saint Paul Weller hath countless chart successes. Even Saint Steve Cradock occasionally troubleth the Official Charts.

Yet never did they wander into random internet arguments crying:

"AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?"

The Church therefore reminds the faithful that confidence is admirable.

Brentness is a slippery slope.

Canon IV – The Three Possibilities

The Council recognises only three explanations.

I. It is truly James Hargreaves.

In which case this is exactly what one would expect.

II. It is an impostor.

In which case the imitation is alarmingly accurate.

III The Spirit of Brentiam hath descended upon another soul.

This is the gravest possibility of all.

Final Judgement

Until further evidence is presented, the Church refuses to authenticate or condemn the account. Instead, it shall be designated:

"James of Uncertain Provenance."

The faithful are instructed neither to kneel before him nor to dismiss him outright.

Observe.

Wait.

See whether he eventually references his chart positions in conversations about entirely unrelated subjects.

If this occurreth three times, the matter shall be considered settled.

Go now in peace.

May your parka remain waterproof.

May your lager remain warm enough to throw.

And may you never become so consumed by your own mythology that you begin introducing yourself with chart positions from 2021.

Amen.

Father Hames Jargreaves LXIX