u/Hamtarosaurus

My boyfriend M(28) and I F(26) met on a dating app and hit it off instantly. He seemed like the perfect guy for me. He was sweet, and thoughtful, and affectionate, and we had the same hobbies. Not only this but there was just this spark and compatibility that let us just talk and talk for hours on end. I truly thought that I had met my perfect match. He sent me the sweetest goodmorning texts and goodnight texts, bought me flowers, and showered me with affection and compliments. He was always telling me how perfect I was for him and how he really saw a future with me and how happy I made him. I had never felt more appreciated and wanted in a relationship before. We saw each other pretty much every other day and I thought our relationship was heading somewhere serious.

I noticed he seemed guarded and cautious but he mentioned that he had some bad past relationships and he wanted to take things slow. I had also dealt with a past bad relationship where I was treated really poorly, so I resonated with him and understood his desire to be cautious. We had been dating for 6 months and I still hadnt met his parents or any of his friends. We also hadnt said "I love you" to one another. He told me he had a 6 month rule in relationships where he wanted to wait 6 months until the "honeymoon" phase was over before introducing me or saying "I love you". I felt this was reasonable at the time because of his past bad relationships so even though I wanted to plunge head first into our relationship, I respected his boundary and didnt push for any of that. He kept assuring me that it was just a precaution and that once we hit the 6 month mark I would "have more of him than I knew what to do with" and that he would eagerly engage in these milestones with me. We had been dating for almost 6 months and everything was going wonderfully. I was so excited that our 6 month deadline that he had set was approaching and I could finally tell him that I love him.

Then two days ago I woke up to a text from him explaining that he couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore because he had been battling severe clinical depression alongside some pretty heavy stuff with his parents and his personal life. Apparently he had dealt with depression in the past but was in a good place 6 months ago and decided to date again. However, his depression set in again a few months into our relationship and he had been keeping it concealed from me for the past three months because he wanted to make things work. He cited his medical concerns as a reason for breaking up as well as he has a few pretty serious conditions that he takes medication for but he assured me at the beginning of our relationship that I didnt need to worry about his medical conditions because he was medicated and hadnt had any problems or complications for a long while. Anyways, he sent me a long paragraph early in the morning detailing all of the reasons why he had to break up with me and why we couldnt work it out. I immediately requested that we meet in person to talk because I didn't want to handle our breakup over text and he agreed.

I drove to his house to talk to him and he looked terrible. He said that he didnt sleep at all because he was thinking about how to break up with me and that apparently due to his depression he had hardly been sleeping at all due to his depression and had been crying every single night. He also revealed that he isnt on speaking terms with his parents and that his parents and him have been really heavily fighting because of his mental health and have been fighting to put him in a mental health facility. This all came completely out of the blue from my perspective. We had just spent time together the night before and had had a great time playing videogames and watching TV. He had been his normal affectionate self and he had been joking around and acting happy like he normally did. I was so shocked to hear that he had been concealing this from me for so long. I tried pleading with him to change his mind but it was like talking to a brick wall. He had become an entirely different person that I had never met. My once warm and caring boyfriend had been replaced by someone cold and distant. I took a long while trying to question why he didn't trust me with all this information and why he kept it all a secret but he wouldn't give me a straight answer. All of my pleading to let me help him and let me support him rather than break up were met with rigid cold responses of "no, just let me go". I tried hugging him and he shied away from my touch like I was a stranger. He wouldn't even hug me back. I was sobbing into his chest and holding him and he wouldn't even wrap his arms around me. I had never seen him act so cold and non affectionate. No matter how much I pleaded and questioned him and offered solutions to make it work and stay together he kept giving me these short, cold responses with little explanation.

He had apparently been thinking about breaking up with me for two months but was trying to make it work, so he was firm in his decision. I told him how much I cared about him and how I had been falling in love with him and he didnt respond and stayed quiet. I asked him if he had been falling in love with me too and he avoided the question and said that he cared about me and that he was sorry. After awhile of pleading to him and realizing that he was unable to be convinced I went to leave and told him to contact me if he changed his mind. He then told me to not contact him. I then told him that I love him, because I wanted to atleast say it once even if it wasnt reciprocated and he didnt say anything in reply. I then left and sobbed all the way home and have been crying and in shambles since.

When I got home I got on my phone and found that he had blocked my number and had blocked me on everything in the time that it took me to drive home. I, very stupidly, looked for anything that I wasnt blocked on and discovered that I wasnt blocked on Facebook and decided to send him a message on there telling him one more time how much he meant to me and how much I valued our relationship and how I meant every word of what I had told him earlier. I told him to be safe and to seek out his support systems as well, because I was worried about his safety. My message was met with a one sentence response of "thanks, I really appreciate that". I then told him that I wouldn't reach out anymore and that I was sorry for reaching out and he didnt respond.

I feel such a terrible mix of emotions. I feel heartbroken that everything seemed perfectly fine in our relationship the night before and then this happened all of a sudden. I feel heartbroken because I'll probably never see him again and I have no way of contacting him even if he did want to talk to me. I also feel hurt for the way he concealed his mental illness from me. It feels like I never really knew him and it has me wondering if everything was a total lie. All of the times when he was happy with me and telling me how much he cared about me, he was actually really sad and struggling. I thought we were super close, but it turns out we weren't and that I only knew the version of him that he wanted me to see. Did he really even care about me at all or was he just going through the motions of a relationship? It has me questioning every little moment and just knowing that in every happy memory we had he was actually hurting just kills me. It just really feels like our whole relationship was a facade and I dont even know if the person that I knew was the real him. It all felt so real and I felt so appreciated and cared for, but I just don't know.

It also breaks my heart to know that hes suffering so much and I can't help him or comfort him. Not only this, but he doesn't want my comfort or support. Knowing that he had been suffering and going through so much without me knowing just kills me. I just want to comfort him and be there for him and I'll never see him again. How was I not able to see that he was hurting, was I really that selfish and blind to his emotions or was he just that good at concealing them? I just hope that hes okay and that hes safe. I'm just having a really hard time processing this and working through my emotions. I really miss him. I really truly thought that I had finally found the one. I would have stuck with him through this if he had let me, but its all over now in the blink of an eye. One moment he was happy and we were falling in love and the next hes someone ive never met and hes gone. I hate that I have hope that hes gonna unblock me and come back, but I know its probably for the best. Im just having a really hard time.

TL;DR

My ex boyfriend revealed to me that he has severe clinical depression and broke up with me due to it. This decision was out of the blue and I'm shocked and heartbroken. Need support on how to work through these complicated emotions.