I’m really struggling and honestly scared of myself right now. I’ve been reflecting on my behavior over the past few years, and I’m realizing I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of—lying, manipulating situations, and damaging relationships. I’ve also had issues with impulsivity, obsession in relationships, and making decisions that hurt both myself and other people.
There have been times where I acted in extreme ways to get attention or avoid being abandoned, and it’s affected people I care about. I’ve also struggled with intense emotions like rage, jealousy, and anxiety, and sometimes I feel disconnected from how I should feel in certain situations.
I don’t feel like I was always like this, which makes it even more confusing. Something shifted in the last few years, and since then I’ve felt more unstable, more impulsive, and more out of control. I’ve also had periods of deep depression and some really dark thoughts about myself.
I’m worried there’s something seriously wrong with me (I’ve been wondering about personality disorders, but I’m not diagnosed), and I don’t want to keep hurting people or living like this. At the same time, I feel a lot of shame and fear that I’ve already done too much damage.
Has anyone else experienced something like this or found a way to actually change these patterns? I’m open to therapy, accountability, whatever it takes—I just don’t want to keep going down this path.