u/Hannoose

I guess I can't give smoking all the blame. I'm depressed. I am suddenly thinking of all the things going wrong in my life, and how much I don't want to be here anymore. Who cares if I die from smoking? I also don't want to look in the mirror anymore because I am getting fatter by the second, even though I am trying to eat less and eat healthy. I exercise. Nothing works. I am not getting any mental benefit from exercise either. I've just been powering through and holding out and sticking it out and hanging in there and to be honest, I just don't want to anymore.

I'm not going to start smoking again because then I will just be fat AND a smoker, but I really wish I had never stopped. Suddenly all the benefits seem pointless.

I've heard these types of dreams are normal, and I had my first one last night. It was a very vivid dream in which I went for a walk (I've been going for walks a lot more after quitting), and at some point I just lit up a cigarette. I was very upset with myself initially, thinking "Damn, you've come so far and now you have to start over again". Interestingly enough I switched over to forgiveness right after that, and thought "I can't even remember buying cigarettes, how did they show up here? Oh well, it's okay, we'll just start again. At least you tried".

It was such a magnificent relief waking up and realising that it was all just a dream.

I was at an outdoor event today with wine, perfect weather, excellent company, a beautiful sunset, a glorious moon, and fireworks. I did not smoke. I had a passing thought of wanting to smoke after a few glasses of wine, but I didn't. I was able to enjoy all these things without nicotine and it was lovely.

I do, however, really wish that the weight gain would CALM DOWN ALREADY. I cannot stop eating everything in sight. I am Gigantor the Insatiable. But tomorrow I will go for a run again.

In one of my previous posts early into my quit, I mentioned the intense feelings I had been having during cravings. Someone commented and said that things get better after the third week. I have to say, today was a very tolerable day. Pleasant even.

I enjoy being able to breathe better, and my lungs feel cleaner. I also managed a hearty laugh earlier today that didn't end up in a smoker's coughing cackle.

Initially I also felt that life would be a lot more boring without smoking. What would I do with all the free time? Interestingly enough, the seemingly mundane things start to become more interesting because I feel like I am more mindful and present instead of constantly planning my next smoke break.

Thanks for all the support from everyone in this sub. And well done to everyone who has made the decision to stop. Let's keep on keepin' on.