Advice on how to move on
Well when I was around 5~6 I was molested many times by my cousin who was around 13 at the time, he used to manipulate me into accepting these acts and I didn't understand anything of what he did to me, I knew deep down that what he did to me was wrong and that I should tell a trusted adult but I didn't because I didn't have the most open relationship with my parenst and he made it seem like we would both share the blame if anyone found out, I didn't understand anything except for when he always told me that he loved me, and I guess he made me feel special that he used to treat me different than my other cousins and others of the same age, this constant torture of not knowing whether to tell my parents or not (bcuz I believed that he loved me truly but in his own different way and that he couldn't help it), this torture made me get constant nightmares and PTSD episodes in my sleep where I would feel like I'm trapped in the nightmare and just keep crying irl while I'm asleep, my parents are sorta fanatics when it comes to things they don't understand so they just dealt with it wrong (even though they didn't know better) they used to pray for me nad whatever but never have they tried taking me to a therapist or a psychiatrist, these traumatic experiences made me try to forget everything just to run away for many years, ff to 3~4 years ago I tried to understnd what happened to me and all and then I developed a hatred for my parents for not teaching me better about my private space and my safety but I know that they love me unconditionally and that they weonged me yes but idk it's just easier to forgive them, the real hatred tho was to my cousin, he now grew up to be this devoted religious person and he also works as a teaching assistant at a university and seemed like a different person especially if we're being honest he was just 13 at the time and I know that he was just a kid too, so I wanted to forgive him too, but I wanted to see if he had any remorse for what he had done to me, for context I used to avoid him all these years, ff to September 2024, before my last year in high school started I wanted to get a new pair of glasses from an area near where he lives so he offered to go with me, so I agreed mainly bcuz I wanted to give him the chance to show remorse in any way, but on the contrary, after we bought the glasses we went to his home and he played this spanish high school series that is full of just nudity and gay/straight sexual relationships, which I wanted to ignore the awkwardness bcuz it's clearly not something that you play when you're with your cousin, but then he started to make some moves towards me to hook up, but I rejected him and told him how he's just disgusting and after that he backed up and I took some rest and left, after that I knew I'm not ever going to forgive him, but then after I finished high school on July 2025, he asked me to go out with him again and that he would buy me a gift to celebrate me finishing high school, I thought I'd give him another chance since it was easier to forgive him than to out him to our entire family, especially since he's talked about as a role model and I genuinely love his mother (she's the kindest soul) so I didn't want problems, so I went out w him, and we had a nice day until he tried to rape me and I pushed him and then he blatantly told me how we used to do these thing when we were young and why would I refuse now, and that was it, I left
This experience ruined my childhood, I always used to have sexual thoughts about my peers and it disgusted me about myself, I always thought I was a bad person for having these thoughts even though I couldn't help it, I'm completely healed now but I still want revenge of him, I don't know if it's easier to just avoid him all my life or should I try and expose him, I still need help deciding, even though I'm leaning towards leaving him be, because it'd be too hard for me to expose him w/o evidence but even then it'd be easy to debunk an evidence by saying it's an AI or some shit