How to show up to a close friend with anxiety/depression when they get passive aggressive?
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**TL;DR;** : my friend is not doing well and has put a lot of distance with me after I didn't show up enough. I tried to talk about it but she cannot because she's not doing well. If I don't show up and write her she thinks I don't care. And I think it will be the end of our friendship if I stop. But if I keep doing it I feel like I'm annoying her and I'm the one getting hurt.
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I've been close friend with her for 2 years. I know she has high expectations of her friends and has anxiety, health issues (no proper diagnostic, always something new, I start to think it is really anxiety induced as some of her doctors pointed out), abandonnement issues, and other personnal difficulties (family/work).
Over the last 2 years, everything went mostly good. She only got upset with me twice and when upset she gave me passive aggressive reaction. Once at the beginning because I was not opening up enough to her (when going through things, I process things on my own, and then show up a bit less), she was upset I wouldn't talk to her about what's wrong (I think mostly because she wanted reciprocity in sharing, and also if someone show up a bit less, her anxiety will make her think it's sth about her). I felt the reaction was bad, especially if someone is going through sth, being upset at them as if they're doing sth wrong by not coming to you to tell you about it, will just make them feel more bad. But we talked about it and went through it. Eventually I learned to open up a bit more and that's something good for me.
The second time, was because I organised a party. She showed up to my place at the party with a fake smile, very obvious she was having a problem with me. I had no idea why, but it felt very passive aggressive. Especially because I wanted to have a good time, did a lot of efforts to organize a party which is easily stressful for me, so if soemone I'm close to come and show me they're upset it kinda ruin my mood. Eventually the end of the evening she was being warm and normal again to me. She already told me that when she's upset at someone for something, it just that she cannot hide her emotions, but it doesn't mean she wants people to do sth about it, so basically that people should be able to bare with her being upset. But that's quite frustrating, then you keep wondering what you did wrong and mostly the real reason is not what you thought about. Even if she was warm again after, I needed to "resolve" or have a talk so I'm the one who did the job to create a discussion over it (even though she was the one being upset). Turned out she was upset because when I mentionned I wanted to do a party, we talked about it together and she thought we would organize it together. Which I had nothing against but I just didn't know she wanted/thought that. But those were 2 very isolated incidents over 2 years of amazing friendship that were resolved very fast and easily.
However the past months her mental state has degraded, going through depression. As for me a few months ago I most my grandma and socially got very exhausted as other dramas came out. I also started dating someone (for the first time in 6 years). So I needed a bit more time for myself and going less out. But I think I was still showing up to her often, we would see each other at least once a week, sometimes more.
One day I organised a dinner at my place very spontaneously. As I was planning to cook sth I know she cannot eat because of dietery restrictions for health issues, I instead invited another friend (also going through depression and having his own issues) she's not in good term with. It sometimes felt very hard to manage being friends with both. That day she asked me what I was up to (which she usually doesn't, so my guess was another person I invited told her about it, cause they work in the same office and he probably though). Anyhow I had no intentions to hide so I told her about the dinner. She just answered "ok. Have fun", which from her sounds heavy. Then kinda apologized and explained that I invited that other friend knowing her dietery restrictions, that it just made more sense (after that I regretted it, thinking it must be hard to feel like you might miss out because of health issues, when it was actually not so much about it. If they were in good terms I guess I would have proposed her also even though she would not have been able to eat what I made). So I let her know the next day that I didn't want her to feel like dietary or health issues have a big social impact on her life, cause it doesn't and ultimately that was not the main reason. She told me she knows I'm busy but I seem to manage to make time for other people, thinking I might see her out of guilt, that it might be easier for me with others because she talks about deep/emotional stuff. So she was feeling like a burden, being too heavy. She wants me to spend time with her, not because I feel guilty, but because I want to (which is very reasonable thing to want).
Which is also what I want. Even though I did pressured myself to show up to her (and this other friend in depression). I know both of them are going through bad stuff and wanted to be there for them, even if that was going above my social needs and would have feel guilty indeed of not to, I still everytime enjoyed spending time with her and I wouldn't have if it didn't feel good.
I know she also felt like this because we were seing a bit less. But at the same time, she was the one I was seing the most and my other friend she doesn't like even complained to me later that I seem to have only time for her (and not enough for him. Which had created a situation that had broke us apart).
So I let her know that sometimes I need a bit of time.
That week we saw twice, on tuesday and Friday, and was very nice. Her boyfriend came back on saturday after a month of being away (before which they were talking about having a break) and I know this was going to be heavy emotionally for them. I was spending the weekend with the guy I was seing.
And we were supposed to meet with her on monday evening. I didn't text her anything that weekend. I wanted to let her time with her boyfriend to sort out things (even though she already told me in the past that she still likes it better if I do, even if with him) and she knows she can call me anytime.
On monday, she sent me a vocal telling me she has told me the week before and many times before that she likes me to ask her how she is doing (especially when going though sth). Now she realizes I can't, and it would be nice if I can tell her I can't but I probably can't even do that. That she's not upset at me, but she just wanted to let me know she'll stop expecting it.
To that I was a bit baffled, thinking that seing her with 3 days apart I would have obviously asked her how it went and how she was doing when meeting her on the evening. So I told her that I was sorry, indeed I cannot, or rather that I can and want to but at a lower frequency. That I care and think a lot about her but reaching out that much easily feels overwhelming for me. I thought we were ok.
But for the next 2 months, whenever I was trying to meet her and proposing her she would tell me "I think I can", very evasive. Mostly cancelling last moment because she was not feeling well (has been struggling for 2 months with stomach issues). And the moment we would meet, she would easily be annoyed about things I would tell her. Whenever I would ask her in a conversation by message how she was doing, she would answer to everything except that. And if asking only that such that she cannot avoid the question I would have as a reply "not good but managing. Last weeks have been obviously shit. How are you doing?"
Of course I don't want her to tell me she's doing well when she has not but I find this kind of answer quite aggressive, such that I don't know how to show up to her.
One day when she expressed again "I think I can" when asking her to meet, I asked her if she wanted to, that lately I had a bit of hard time reading her and needed guidance, because I don't want to overwhelm or annoy her, and I can give her some time but at the same time I want to be there for her if she wants me to.
She told me she is overwhelmed and not in a good place at the moment to have this conversation. That she already shared before what helps her when she is doing bad but that I made it very clear that it doesn't work for me. So my message confuses her. I didn't insist. And tried to send messages from time to time, for her to know I was thinking about her, tried again a few times to organize sth with her very unsuccessfully.
(She also didn't come to a party I organized saying she has stomach issues so she cannot drink, so she cannot come. Health issue I understand. Not coming to a party of your friend because you cannot drink I don't.)
Until I realized she managed organizing things with others. We wanted to pick a date to watch a movie at my place, she said when she was not free and for the rest she doesn't know yet and telling her to go ahead with planning and she'll see if she can. We picked a date, then she told us she forgot she was going to the cinema that day with other people, but we are free to join (in the end we joined her). Then a week later I proposed them to go watch another movie of the same director (a movie we talked about together). Turned out she had already planned with him to go and even took tickets in case for 2 others, but didn't propose me, when she knows I like the director.
I have no problem with people doing plans without me or having other friends, but it felt off, when I've been trying to organize sth with her and she always cancels because she feels sick and not initiate anything with me back, when she manages to organize things herself with others. When seing her she seemed cold to me and giving me again those fake smiles.
So I tried again to engage a conversation, thinking she probably took to strongly my message telling her I cannot send her message that often, probably thinking I cannot at all, and I doesn't want to show up to her. So wanted to have a discussion about it to correct possible misinterpretation.
So after the movie I texted her that I felt something was off, that there was some distance between us and I don't understand and would need us to talk about us and the way we feel.
She answered she is in pain but talking about it is very heavy and stressful for her. That my message pressured her. And the next day gave me a bigger answer
"I understand how distance can feel, and I’ve been there too, even sometimes from your side. I really tried to respect it and accept it each time without taking it personally.
Last night, I was in a lot of pain and had barely slept the night before. When I told you how bad things were physically, I think I was hoping for a bit more empathy or warmth from you. When that didn’t happen, it did hurt me a bit. I still didn’t take it personally at the time because I thought maybe you just weren’t in the space for it, so I tried to be understanding.
I think that’s also part of why I feel a bit confused now. When you told me certain things don’t work for you in a close friendship or that you sometimes need your space, I really tried to respect that and not push you, even when it was difficult for me. And lately life has honestly been a bit too much for me, more than before, so I also pulled back because I didn’t want to overwhelm you or pressure you into giving more than you comfortably can.
Right now though, I do feel a bit of pressure from these messages, and as much as I want things between us to feel normal and easy again, I honestly don’t think I’m in the mindset for a deep conversation yet. Things are and have been really heavy for me, more than I can properly explain right now.
It’s not personal towards you. I don’t have anger or a grudge, and I do care about you. I’d just really need something softer and easier at the moment, and for things to go a bit at my pace. I’d really like for things between us to feel nice and natural again.
I also have this talk in May which is adding a lot of stress on top of everything else, so maybe after that we can have a calmer conversation about everything when my head is in a better place for it."
And I really don't know what to think about it. I feel her message is blaming me and is unfair when I tried to create a space without blaming her even though I was myself hurt. Also she keeps telling how I told her I'm the one who expressed that it doesn't work for me, when it's not what I expressed, and she never allowed me to have a discussion about it to make it clearer how I feel about it, correct possible misunderstandings. I miss her, I miss our friendship. I want to be there for her if she is not doing well. I want to give her space if that's what she needs from me, but for that I need to know because I feel stuck in a situation where whatever I do, it's wrong. If I stop taking news of her or trying to initiate things, she will think I don't care about her, that I'm not being a good friend and I feel that it will be forever over. But if I continue, I just feel like I'm annoying her. And the fact that she makes it impossible to talk about it is very frustrating. I understand she's not in a good place, and everything that comes up just bring more anxiety and stress. But I don't know what to do anymore.
Of course the portray of her I'm dressing right now is not very flattering, but she does have a lot of quality and had been a great friend until now. Life is just not very tender with her, and depression and anxiety (and personal issues) has brought a lot of anger to her.