Help with difficult situation regarding a child in my life
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You guys... I'm having such a hard time with something.
I have a preteen in my life. She's my niece. By marriage. So we are not blood related. But obviously that doesn't matter. She's the only child in my life and I love her more than i thought was possible. I've spent years trying to cultivate a good relationship with her and it has worked. We have an excellent relationship. I take her places. Sometimes free/low cost places, such as a park or the beach. Or sometimes places like a trampoline park or the mall. I've taken her clothes shopping. We sometimes so sleep overs, watch movies, play games, do painting, make slime. All sorts of things. And I have more ideas that we could do in the future.
Basically even though I'm not her mom and don't act like her parent, I still am very invested in her wellbeing, her safety, her mental health, etc. She doesnt have the best relationship with the other women in her life (her mom and grandma). I'm basically like a big sister to her. If she was my kid, I would have raised her very different. But she's not. So I'm literally just here to help her navigate life and try to help support her by filling in the gaps where she's not getting support at home. As well as to give her experiences and opportunities she might not get elsewhere. That's the intention anyways. It doesn't always work like that but sometimes it does.
I do not feel qualified one bit. Sometimes I feel like the least qualified person. But nobody else seemed to feel the need to do anything. And i seemed to be the only one who is seeing what she needs and has the ability and willingness to connect with her on a certain level. Aka I'm not just another adult to tellcher what to do, to boss her around, to enforce my will on her. I try to be a friend to her. We talk. She tells me things and I listen. And I take her thoughts and ideas and feelings seriously.
So despite feeling very unqualified, I'm trying. My short comings from my audhd definitely make me feel like I'm not doing enough, or not doing things right. I've made mistakes. Said things I immediately regretted (sometimes I treat her more like a friend/equal, and have to remind myself she's still really young). At the same time my audhd makes me feel extremely empathetic. I feel like I'm the only adult in her immediate circle of family who truly sees her for who she is. I don't criticize her. Im not pushy. I don't think she's difficult. I see that she is a human being who is still developing and is still learning and needs to be guided and shown how to do things. Shebhas her own unique personality and her own struggles. She is so kind and smart and I love her energy. And we both always have fun spending time together.
So with this context, there's things I want to say: I worry about her a lot.
Most of the last few years I've had the mindset of just wanting to keep her busy so she's not stuck at home. To give her opportunities and experiences that other family might not have the ability to give her, and providing her a safe space where she can shine and grow and be herself. Judgment free. Without criticism. Without constantly being told what to do. Where she can make choices and have her voice be heard and valued.
But as she gets older, I feel like this isn't enough. Like I try to provide opportunities to develop her curiosity, to try new things, and to allow her to do age appropriate tasks. But it still doesn't feel like enough.
There's a lot of gaps I see in her home life. I don't see her primary parent giving her skills to succeed in life. Cleaning, taking care of her belongings, cooking basic food. I don't remember at what age girls are supposed to start learning about basic hygiene, like using deodorantor or body spray. But she always has a certain scent on her that smells like her house and it smells bad. Because her house is not well kept. Do I address that? I don't want her to get teased or rejected at school for having poor hygiene simply because nobody taught her. But i also dont want to be rude and make things awkward. Another thing: she wants to get her ears pierced, but I don't trust her primary parent to help her with that. And I personally have never gotten my ears pierced so I don't have experience with that. Do I bring that up? Do I offer to help with that? Normally, her mom or grandma would handle that, but like I've mentioned,she does not have a good relationship with them. I've tried to get in the middle of those situations with her mom and grandma, but it always ends in disaster and too much pressure on me. Plus, I'm afraid of making things worse.
Those are just examples of some gaps. There's more, but I'm trying to keep this short.
I no longer just want to focus on going places to keep her busy. It's fun, but it's essentially short lived entertainment. I want to do more. I desperately want to help her develop skills to succeed in life. Normal, age appropriate skills.
I also want to help empower her. The women in her life are not good role models for female empowerment. And her dad, aka her primary parent is incredibly mysoginistic. I genuinely cannot tell if he is getting worse or if I am becoming more pro female empowerment. Hes constantly making mysoginistic jokes around us--even in front of his daughter. And i hate it. She's too young to understand them. But i often call him out and say how its not funny. But it doesnt matter. He still makes them. If thats how he is around us, (me and my spouse who is friends with him), i dont want to know how he is when its just him and his daughter.
And it's not just about mysoginy. It's about just dealing with life and money and people. Nobody seems to be teaching her useful skills. I desperately want to help her develop a mindset of being able to take charge of her own life, create her own future, not be dependent on anyone--financially, or to take care of her. I know she's still so young. But she's growing up fast. And even though I'm not a parent, I know from being a human being that you don't expect a kid to turn 18 and suddenly know everything. You teach them age appropriate things over time.
I don't see any of the other adults in her life thinking this way about her. I dont see her dad teaching her things. I could be wrong, but based on what I know about him and the state of their house--well, basically he does a lot of working and a lot of gaming. He doesn't seem like the kind of person to think ahead very much.
I see that she is so smart and kind and has so much potential to not just be in survival mode like most of the adults in her life, but to thrive. I see what could happen if things continue this way. She will end up like the rest of them. In poverty. Dependent on someone else who's not good for her, but with zero ability to leave. With very few skills to get by in life.
I have hope that if I interject by doing more--by speaking up, by taking the lead and being more... intentional and active, instead of passively letting things happen, then she could be better. She could be more well off. Able to take charge of her life and her future. She could have more opportunities.
Meanwhile, this situation is forcing me to be a better human being. To tackle my issues such as my tendencies to people please and go with the flow and be a follower. This completely goes against my nature. I normally just let people exist how they want. But when it comes to my niece, I love her too much to just let it be.
So I guess I'm asking for help. What would any of you ladies do if you were in my shoes? If you sae a child in a situation and had the ability to help because you saw their parents weren't able or willing to do the things you know she needs? And maybe it's just because I remember what it's like to be a young girl that I feel so passionate about this.
Also I don't want her to grow up and ask me some day why i didn't do anything to help.