u/HappyRipeMango

Maybe “compassion” is the wrong word? But…

Today, I came across a woman venting on Reddit because she found out her husband was still sleeping with his mistress of four years. This woman and her husband have been together for 20 years and when she first found out, she left him and they separated but he came back begging intensely. I think she said it happened two more times with the same mistress and now again she’s found out they’re still together.

During two of their separations, he moved his mistress into their marital home for a week at a time, kicked her out and went back to begging the wife. But he clearly is not leaving the mistress either.

I caught myself judging the mistress a little and wondering why she’s still with this man too, but then I thought… kettle calling the pot black.

I feel like, in a lot of cases, the wife and the mistress often stay for similar reasons, no?Love, attachment, hope, fear, history, dependency, loneliness, promises, chemistry etc. The difference is that one has the ring and social legitimacy.

People are way too gleeful about shaming the other woman because the common thought is that she saw a married man and went hunting.

And look, even as “the other woman” myself, there are situations where I draw a line too. I’m not talking about sleeping with/ seeing your sister’s husband, your best friend’s boyfriend or intentionally going after someone you know is taken from the jump. I’m not talking about those situations.

I didn’t know the man I was seeing for almost a year was married. When his wife somehow found me and reached out to me to leave her husband, I was completely blindsided and devastated. I left, blocked him and cut his access to me for 4 months. It was one of the darkest periods of my life but he came back pursuing and begging me.

I was depressed from the betrayal (I thought he was my forever person), vulnerable, lonely and already in love with this man. Years later, I’m still here. And yes, now I knowingly am with a married man, so I know people may say I’m wrong and honestly, yes. I get that because I could have still said no.

But the same way wives are told to leave after cheating and many still stay because human beings aren’t robots… I stayed too.

The intensity at which some of these men come at their affair partners is crazy. Some other women are being told for years that he’s going to leave his wife and people (including me sometimes) look at them like they’re stupid for believing the lies. But the same nuance people give wives often disappears when it comes to mistresses.

The same way he probably begs, promise’s, pleads and loves on his wife is probably the same way he does with the mistress too. And she believes it because she loves him.

At what point do people stop acting like the women are the whole story and acknowledge that the common denominator, and the person actively maintaining both relationships..is the man?

I’ve never gone after the man I’m with. If anything, I’ve done more to push him away than reel him in, but he continues to pursue me and shows up for me in many ways…

During our relationship, there have been times I’ve tried to walk away or threatened to but the way he has passionately fought it? I hate to even think about it, but maybe if his wife has tried to leave him before, he comes at her with the same energy because why else is she still with him? I’m not his first AP. Most women in love want to believe the things the man we love tells us.

He has never once promised to leave his wife for me..but stupidly, I’m still here…

Obviously, as much as it would set me back in many ways and also hurt, it’s much less complicated for me to leave than it is for her to leave a whole marriage. I’m just pointing out how complicated some of these situations can be and how led on some women can be by men who are probably trying to keep both relationships alive.