I’m struggling after a breakup and confused about what was “my fault” vs his. Need honest perspective.
I (F 37) recently broke up with my boyfriend (M 35) of a little over a year, and I’m really struggling to understand what actually happened and whether I “ruined” a relationship that could have worked.
We had a lot of good things—he was affectionate, attentive in many ways, cooked for me, planned dates, and showed care in daily life. But conflict was where everything fell apart.
During arguments, things often escalated. He would get angry, call me names (like “asshole”), and sometimes say things that felt degrading or dismissive. I often felt like I had to fight to be heard or to get basic respect during disagreements. He did start therapy for his behavior and anger issues but it didn’t stop.
The final fight started because I mentioned wanting to do a boudoir-style photoshoot for my birthday (just for myself, in a private setting). He became very upset (we are Asians so culturally I understand), said he was uncomfortable with it, and the conversation escalated quickly. He told me to stop talking, called me names, and eventually said we should break up.
In that moment, I panicked and tried to reach him repeatedly—about 36 calls over a short period—because I was overwhelmed and trying to fix things. He then told me I was harassing him and threatened to call the police if I continued contacting him.
I feel a lot of shame about my reaction. I know that was too much and not healthy. At the same time, I also feel hurt because I spent a lot of the relationship feeling like I had to push hard just to get basic emotional respect during conflict.
Now I’m stuck in my head wondering:
- Was this relationship actually unhealthy or just two people who handled conflict badly?
- Did I ruin something that could have been worked through?
- Is it normal for apologies to still leave you feeling unresolved if patterns don’t change?
- How do you separate “I acted badly in a moment” from “I am the problem”?
I’m not trying to villainize him or absolve myself. I just genuinely can’t tell if I walked away from something fixable or something fundamentally unhealthy.
Any perspective would really help.