u/Happy_Ad_2575

*Sorry for any mistakes or strange phrasing, English is not my first language.

For context, I (29F) live with my mom (50F), stepdad (54M) and brother (26M). I moved back recently because my mom has been struggling a lot with her health and the doctor said she needed to get ready for surgery. I left home at 16 to go to uni and since then I've mostly come back just for birthdays and holidays. I love my family, I am just not a huge fan of my small hometown, and I don’t feel very comfortable with our family dynamics.

My brother never helps around the house, he tends to hoard plates with food in his room until they get moldy and we have to replace them. He throws tantrums whenever he’s asked to do minimal things like restarting the Wi-fi router (which finally got relocated) or picking up his laundry after weeks. He rarely contributes financially, despite earning decently, and if he does it’s only after being requested several times and arguing that the bills are not his problem even though he lives here and eats at home almost every day. The most complicated part is that even when he’s home, he’s never attentive towards my mom, to the point that once our neighbors had to come into our house and call an ambulance but he didn’t notice nor seemed to care.

We have tried talking to him but he’s dismissive and shuts the conversations acting like he is terribly offended. When my mom tries to reason with him about how important it is that he at least takes care of himself and his environment, he snaps and shuts the door at her or leaves her talking by herself and goes to his room. My stepdad doesn’t say much as he and my mom agreed to set boundaries regarding their children, but he’s clearly annoyed by this. In my case, I’m tired of seeing this as it’s obviously the result of years of my mom letting my bother do whatever he wanted and act like the embodiment of weaponized incompetence.

She has always had an incredible amount of patience with my brother due to his ADHD but their relationship has become quite strained in the last few years. To the point that she has made comments about being in this “grieving” state prior to “letting my brother go”. She was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and retrograde amnesia, on top of having severe musculoskeletal issues. She’s not in the time to be arguing with anyone yet she has begged for my brother to help more, and last year her desperation got to the point that she asked him to either clean his room or leave the house. He didn’t do any and she didn’t do much afterwards but today things escalated again.

We had scheduled a house fumigation and had to leave before 10am but my brother slept in and got very upset when my mom woke him up. He left the house and when she reminded him he needed to clean his bedroom to ensure he wouldn’t come in contact with any traces of the venom he snapped again. Afterwards, he told me he was planning to call our former housekeeper, the one we stopped calling after finding out she had stolen from us. When I reminded him of this fact, he told me to let him be annoyed.

 So, I’ve been thinking that since he’s financially stable, our city rent is quite affordable, and he doesn’t feel like following any rules or advice, he might be more comfortable moving out as he’s mentioned before. Instead of wasting my time trying to reason with him again, I thought I could send him some apartment listings.

My brother has never lived on his own. The only time he’s left my mom’s home was to leave with me and he came back after two weeks of having to cook his own food. I know it’s not my place to kick my brother out. I know that the easiest thing to do would be for me to leave but I feel quite guilty knowing that if I’m not here my mom is mostly on her own.

So, reddit, would I be the asshole if I sent my brother rent listings in hopes he moves out or at least fixes his behavior a little? How would you handle the situation?