Is my girlfriend letting fear of homophobic people get in the way of our relationship?
Helloooo, this is my first time ever making a post, so sorry if i go into a lot of detail.
I'm in a lesbian relationship and we have been together for 1.5 years. This is the girl that I'm going to marry, and we have talked about this. She is my personal through and through.
For some background context to help a bit:
I am an American living and teaching in korea for 3 years now. In Korea, queer couple can't legally be married, but the queer community is amazing here so we like our life. (We will move to Canada probably longterm after I finish online schooling here in 5 years.)
I have recently been trying to find long term-ish friends here and stay active as well. I played soccer my whole life, and wanted to join a club in Seoul. I have searched for 3 years and I finally found a new club that has foreigners that speak english. This is the ONLY women's soccer team here that is registered to play and had players that speak english (my korean is novice, so I struggle to make close friends). I was glad and really vibed with the team. I truly love this club and the people in it. I am out as a lesbian to my teammates. There is another lesbian on the team and she is the captain, so we all have hung out and gone out together even with my gf.
The issue im having is with my girlfriend's attitude and view about the coach. Our coach is an older korean man who is the chairman of the club. He is religious, and made one comment about another team being a lesbian team. He hasn't outright said he is homophobic, though the comment/joke wasn't necessarily said in the best way.
My girlfriend has in the past come to my games in the league and supported me for this past month. (There has only been 3, so it is still really new for me) Having someone come to support me at my games from time to time is important for me.
But now she says that she will never go at all if the coach is there. She is masc presenting and said that she feels uncomfortable now after I told her about the comment he made. (also the lesbian captain said that the coach also doesn’t know she's gay, but she is also a baby gay too).
My gf said that this isn't compromiseable. I understand that she doesnt want to be around possible-homophobic people, but the coach doesn't ever really talk to the parents or the partners on the sidelines. He doesn't come across as someone who would be outwardly hateful right away. (Time will tell)
I'm not going to hide my identity from him, but im also not going to announce it to the world, because the other teammates also dont talk about their personal lives with him. He is there to coach us is all.
I feel really hurt because I want to have her come and support me in something that is very important to me, but I dont want to make her uncomfortable :(. I think she is living out of fear, and she even told me that she doesnt even want to associate or go, even if he doesnt talk to her or acknowledge her. I think she is giving this stranger/someone we barely know too much power over her.
I feel really hurt when she says that she doesnt ever want to see me play at all. She said that she would rather stay at home then. We normally support each other in things that are important to the other. I feel really hurt, as I am really passionate about this club and am devoting alot of effort.
Am I being too harsh to say that she should come from time to time? She says that she won't come until i hear for sure that he isnt homophobic (which could take forever, as he doesnt speak english, and I barely speak any Korean. Also we all barely chat about our personal lives.)
For context, she also is masc presenting in everyday life and at work. So there is always chances that she will run into homophobic people, but she chooses to engage with life around her and not let that possibility ruin her day. That is why I am so confused. We go to concerts, travel on vacations, go to dinners all knowing that we might get looks or hate for who we are, but we dont let it stop us from enjoying life. And that is what soccer is to me. This club is to me.
Do you guys have any advice on to how I should approach to talk to her about the subject or maybe support her through her feelings? She said her fear and frustration is valid, but I feel like my feelings are valid too. Am I being too demanding of her to say that she needs to come to some of my games because it is important to me?