Hello everyone!
Perhaps someone here can share my experiences and, ideally, even offer some ideas on how to deal with them.
So, here's the thing: I'm completely blind and became very good friends with a sighted woman last year. We share a huge number of interests, have the same, often somewhat unique, sense of humor, and do a lot together. Up until now, this has mostly meant day trips, but recently we went on our first trip together. And that's when things started to change a bit in our dynamic.
Perhaps I should mention beforehand: One of the qualities I particularly appreciate about her is her empathy, her attentive observation of the world around her, and her genuine interest in how I and others are doing. This will be important in a moment. The first few days of our city trip went pretty well, pretty much as expected. We explored the unfamiliar surroundings together, laughed, marveled, and enjoyed ourselves. Then, however, the situation began to change. She became increasingly irritable and impatient. Small things that had never been a problem before suddenly became major issues, and the overall atmosphere deteriorated for both of us. At one point, she said she simply needed a break, that I needed to occupy myself for a while, and that she wanted to watch TV in peace for a few hours.
Of course, everyone needs a break sometimes, but this relatively sudden shift really made me think. So, I brought it up again later and asked her more explicitly, because I wanted to understand the problem better: "Is it just too much of another person for you right now, or specifically too much Till?" And she replied: "It's just too much responsibility for me."
Apparently, I triggered something in her that neither of us had considered, probably because she has quite a lot of contact with blind people, and our daily activities had always worked well together. When she has me around all the time, she seems to feel an enormous burden of responsibility. Of course, she does have some real responsibilities—she watches over me, reads signs to me, and so on—but she apparently can't just let many everyday situations happen or go unchecked. For example, she said it's almost unbearable for her to watch me eat breakfast. Why? Well, sometimes, after eating yogurt, for instance, you accidentally spill a bit on your plate. And when you're looking for something on your plate, you might accidentally reach in there. No big deal, though.
Or we're standing by a wall, maybe about 30 cm wide. I've bought a bottle of water and want to put it in my bag. So I put the bottle on the wall, roughly in the middle, with space on both sides. And while I'm trying to put the bottle in, she gets all flustered—my girlfriend, not the bottle—because she's constantly afraid I might accidentally knock it off the wall at any moment. "Not to offend you, but sometimes it almost feels like when I had to look after my one-year-old nephew; I was similarly overwhelmed."
After I gave her some space, things were okay again the next day, but then there was another situation that I think perfectly illustrates the problem. On the way back, we drove to a waterfall, a nice contrast to the urbanity of the last few days. On the way, we had to cross a small stream. I misjudged the distance and landed just shy of the other side, landing in ankle-deep water. No big deal for me. She, on the other hand, was now berating herself terribly, simply imagining how it must look to strangers: "If they see us now, and you with your wet trouser legs, they'll wonder, 'How could she have been so careless that something like this happened? How could she have even taken him along...'" I tried, of course, to reassure her: "But these are people who don't know you, and only because they don't know you can they think such things about you," but it didn't work. She felt bad about my clumsiness, the consequences of which hardly bothered me. So, this attentiveness, this empathy that I admire so much in her, has its downside here.
``` Now I'm wondering, of course: Have others in blind/sighted relationships had similar problems? And if so, have you found any ways to deal with it and defuse the situation a bit? I'm afraid that I, above all, will have to do something, because this problem seems to be deeply ingrained in her. We're starting a ten-day vacation next week, which we planned long before this recent experience. Canceling it is out of the question for both of us, but given this situation, it would be important for us to try to minimize potentially difficult moments as much as possible.
Sure, it won't work perfectly 100% of the time; it's simply a clash of disabilities and mentalities, and neither of us can do anything about that. But just saying "that's how it is" and accepting the tensions as inevitable isn't the answer either. I've already thought about some things myself. For example, we've booked vacation apartments with private rooms in almost every place we visit on our trip. And when we get back to our accommodation after our activities, I'll usually go to my room first. If she wants to do something with me after that, that's fine, but then she has to take the initiative and actively come to me. That might help regulate closeness and distance so that she feels comfortable and doesn't only speak up when it's already too late.
But perhaps there are other suggestions and ideas here? I would be extremely grateful for any tips that might simplify things a bit. Firstly, for my own sake, but above all for hers, because it really made me unhappy to see that this issue was preventing her from enjoying our time together nearly as much as I was.
Thanks in advance for your replies:
Till