u/HardwareStoreBird

I started getting these small, firm, non-itchy bumps on my forearms back in March. Two months and 3 doctors later I finally have a referral to a dermatologist. Problem is I still have to wait several weeks to see them, and the spots have spread all over my body and my stomach/hips are absolutely COVERED. I don't remember why the last doctor ruled out MC, but considering the first two didn't know what I have I have to assume none of them know for sure either way.

I already feel so gross, and if it is MC I don't want it to keep spreading on my body or give it to someone else. Any advice on precautions to take until I can see a dermatologist and finally get a diagnosis?

I've read that autistic people can have trouble figuring out who they are due to masking, but I feel as though whatever I have going on is different. Realistically I feel like I don't act especially different around others, like I may curse less depending on who I'm around, or I may be more talkative, but my general personality the same.

The problem is how I perceive myself in my mind's eye, or maybe it's more like how I want others to perceive me. For example, one minute I'll think of myself almost like a child stuck in an adult's body, someone who aged physically but is still immature and needs to be guided/taken care of by a "real adult". Other times I see myself as a potty-mouthed cynic who's right to feel more intelligent than the average person. I once saw a TikTok captioned "I feel like I'm in an age gap relationship with myself" and I feel that sums it up pretty well.

I also struggle with my gender identity. Since I was about 18 I've flip flopped so many times between feeling like a girl, a guy, and just about everything in between. This makes things really difficult 'cause when I feel more like a guy I get the urge to go back on testosterone and get top surgery, but then the next day I'll feel like a girl again and think about how much I'd regret transitioning. On the flip side, I worry that I'll regret NOT transitioning. Honestly I feel like being a shapeshifter would solve all of my problems, but obviously that's never gonna happen.

I have all these different versions of myself in my head, and it's almost like it's given me decision paralysis to where I can't just choose one person to be and so I just keep acting and dressing in the same way I have since I was 13. It really sucks 'cause I'm almost 30 years old and still don't know who I am. 😕