Hi everyone. I am new to this community. I never thought of myself as an alcoholic but it runs in my family. I been addicted to marijuana, hallucinogens, cocaine especially and random pulls- whatever I could get my hands on since I was a teen. That stopped in my twenties. So did drinking. I still vape- I consider that my last addiction. I gave up cigarettes almost three years ago year ago.
Tonight I had a drink. I short, I have an unbelievable amount of mental and especially physical health problems. I can’t get help for most because of all the comorbidities and I am so allergic and intolerant to medications I am a very medically complex patient. I am also on disability and state and federal insurance so that certainly doesn’t help things.
I bought a small bottle of alcohol tonight. I haven’t taken my psych meds. I moved in with my mother over a year ago to help her out as she has many health issues and I’ve always promised her and my father in his death bed that I would care for her. She is an alcoholic. Sober for almost 31 years. Which makes the drink tonight all that more significant as she does not allow alcohol in her home.
But I could t take it anymore. I needed something to bring comfort. To bring a distraction. To bring some semblance of comfort as I am dealing with so much crap right now. So I did it. And had myself a few drinks. And now I am feeling so guilty. Maybe I am a recovering alcoholic. I don’t know. As I said I have abused alcohol in the past and certainly it has been an addiction. But I don’t know if I am an alcoholic. What does it truly mean for that to be the case? Do I need to consider myself an alcoholic to go to a meeting? I don’t want to offend someone who has a more serious problem or offend someone because I think they have a more serious problem than I.
I know I shouldn’t have drank. But I feel better. And I know that that is not a good sign. I know that I am much more likely to pour myself a drink tomorrow night and the next.
I also am trying to recover from 26+ years of eating disorders. When I drank in the past eating wasn’t an issue. I didn’t feel the need to restrict nor the need to binge and purge I have been struggling n with recovery from bulimia for four years now. The longest this particular eating disorder has plagued me.
I don’t really know what I’m asking. I’m just feeling that I made a bad decision. I’m going from one bad habit to another I think.
Perhaps I’m just needing some support. I really don’t know. I’ve seen what my mother has fought. What her family members who have been alcoholics have fought. They are so strong and courageous for what they have accomplished. And I know it is a daily struggle. I don’t want this to affect my mother. Who by th way has been without my father for ten years as he passed from cancer. I am her only significant support.
Even if she doesn’t know I’m drinking I really truly feel I am deceiving her.
Compassion is my heart’s compass. To end suffering or preventing it is my life’s purpose.
I feel like I am acting completely opposite of my true self right now.
Any advice or comment or even judgement would be helpful right now in this mentally and spiritually confounding place I find myself. Please