I wanna start this off by saying that my name is Harper, and advice would be greatly appreciated
I genuinely hate myself so fucking much, I hate the way I look, I look like the Michelin Man, I'm so fat, I hate it, I'm so hairy, I have short, ugly hair, I have an ugly, round face, I hate my freckles, I hate my pimples, I hate how fat I am, I eat and I feel bad about it, I dont eat and I feel bad about it, I eat enough to make the growling go away and I feel bad about it, I eat too much and I feel like the biggest lard in the whole world, I work out when I have motivation aka when I have weight lifting, I have a messy, smelly room, I dont do anything any more, I dont play videogames, I dont go outside, I really only listen to music and bedrot, not even scrolling on my phone, just laying there staring at my screen just looking through apps to fill the void and get rid of the ringing, I just really hate myself
I can't help but feel like I'm eating too much whenever I eat, I'm poor so I can't really afford food that's good for you, and my school doesn't serve any healthy options other than baby carrots, I can't really control what I eat, I try not eating but since I told my therapist I was suicidal my family has been treating me like an atomic bomb on a motion sensor so they constantly ask me if I e eaten, but I genuinely feel sick eating, like I'm forcing myself to swallow, even if it goes down easy I still feel like it's forced, I hate eating, I haye how fat I am, I am almost 15 years old and I am 6'1" (which I also hate) and 230 pounds or 110 kg (I think), so yeah, I'm quite obese, and I absolutely hate my giant belly
I recently kinda found out/accepted that I don't want to entirely be a guy anymore and I want to start cross dressing, but that's hard, because again, I'm poor, and I can't afford new clothes, and my family is supportive enough but I don't really feel comfortable talking to them about being a crossdresser/femboy/trans woman, and I hate myself even more because I want to be short and lean and skinny and I am tall and fat and obese, I wanna dress how I want but I live in a very red state, even though I'm in a blue county, all the people at my school are rednecks and hillbillies who would make fun of me because I don't wanna dress up like a guy, I hate how hairy I am too but I can't just shave my legs, because again, the rednecks and hillbillies who would genuinely beat the shit out of me
I hate that I have nobody who I can talk to that would understand, I have my older brother who is also trans, though I don't wanna talk to him about this because I don't wanna worry him out, I have my parents though I just don't feel comfortable talking to them about this situation because I know they wouldn't understand, my little sister, even though she's a year younger than me, I don't wanna stress her out and we don't really get along that well, I have a couple friends though Im going through a rough patch with one of them, one of them is my bestest, most amazing friend in the whole world, although despite them being a trans man, I don't wanna talk to them about it because their mental state is absolute shit (even though I let them talk to me no matter what, even when my mental state is terrible) and they seem kinda uncomfortable about me being a femboy/trans girl/crossdresser now, I don't even know why, and my other friend is his boyfriend, and we're close, but not super personal close, I'm close enough to him to tell him that I wanna be a woman but not that I hate my lard body, I have one other friend but they're not really a good listener and when I was going through a rough patch with all my other friends I constantly relied on them for support and I don't wanna drain them any more because they have another friend like me and I dont wanna be more of a burden then I already am
I genuinely hate myself and I have wanted to kill myself, I've made plans and stuff but I've never acted on them, I also wrote multiple notes to all my family and friends, I feel like a burden in my room, I do nothing, I scroll on tiktok, I scroll on reddit, I scroll on Pinterest, I scroll my apps, I listen to music, I stopped playing videogames, I started getting out more but only to smoke weed, I also am so lonely, I have some online friends I talk too, but those convos only last for a little bit, and I am always the one to start a conversation between me and my friends, its agony, my friends never text me first, I always ask them how their day is and they say fine or good, I was talking to this guy but I think he's ignoring me now, I try to text him and he always responds late saying he was busy or he never responds at all, then I have to text him again until he does reply (not spamming), I don't know, I know it's selfish for wanting them to text me first I guess, but I feel like a burden when I try to talk to them
Well that was my rant I guess, I know its long and I'm sorry for that, I just need random internet people to tell me it's fine because nobody in my life will, goodbye ig, Harper out, or Logan if you wanna call me that, or OP