I’m at a crossroads
I feel like I have too many incoherent thoughts to summarize here so I’ll try not to not ramble. I’m 32 and just got out of the military. I got a neat job and on the outside things seem great. I have PTSD from my time in and have struggled with depression/self harm as long as I can remember. I’ve always felt like a hard person to understand or get along with but I’ve got plenty of friends and they have said otherwise when I’ve talked about how I felt. There is definitely times though that I feel just on the outside in newer settings because I find it difficult at times to relate with others. As for the way I feel I seem to be able to get a handle on it from time to time but it comes in these huge waves. It’s odd because there’s times where I really do enjoy things, I think. Like music. Or physical activities. Or when you really connect with someone. But then when I’m by myself I get this overwhelming emptiness and numbness. Lately I’ve had this thought of doing as much as possible this summer and making as big of an impact as possible and do as much good as I can then calling it quits after that. It’s not that I don’t feel like I can go on but I just can’t seem to keep on wanting to go through these motions. It just sucks because I know there’s people out there that would be willing to help and I don’t feel hopeless in that sense but it’s like I have to exert so much energy just to put on this facade that life is dandy and great and I cannot picture having to do that for years and years to come.