I figured it out.
I finally did figure it out.
And how terrified you must be to know i see through your game.
Or was it even that?
I believe you love me, I even believe you thought you were doing what you thought was best for me.
You forgot that I have a right to make my own decisions. You refused to listen when I said I needed time.
Time to heal,
Time to grow
Time to find myself again,
Because you were right I did lose myself in him.
That seems to be my outstanding lesson I seem to keep missing all these past traumatic events. These karmic relationships.
You see I thought maybe it was the way I react and to be fair some of it most definitely is.
I show the person I love passion that is hard to come by and not appreciated when seen in these modern times.
And to most who dont know that kind of fire,
Who cant recognize a woman who loves fully aflame,
Well I can understand that would be terrifying.
I must terrify you.
But its the fact that I put my all into those around me, which is admirable sure sometimes, until I forget to give to myself too.
Was that why you did it?
Was my fear of being fired keeping you from your supposed happily ever after?
Just because I worked with him?
Yes I told you I was afraid to lose my job and if I didnt work so closely with him that we probably wouldnt be together still.
And yet. You and my mother devised that plan over 3 months ago ive been out of work.
You probably didnt realize that I caught on to the truth of the reality when those tears you tried your damndest to hide did not go unnoticed. That I didnt hear the Crack I your voice as you said it was nothing and rushed from the room.
I do not take kindly to manipulation, no,
Not even from those I love so deeply as I have loved amd still do love you.
You took my career, my life, my sense of independence and frankly the last thing I had to hold onto of myself, and you ripped it away so easily. So very easily. Like it was nothing to you to watch my dreams to dust, you could wipe them off the surface of the TV and it the layer would be so thick youd need multiple swiffer clothes.
Metaphor aside I believe you had good intentions for sure, but they were severely misguided and selfish, and cruel. You werent ever going to tell me the truth of what you did were you.
You would've let me think that for years to come that it was me. You would have left me to find a new career while feeling helpless and hopeless and just not fucking good enough for any job unless I settled. And then you would have said to everyone well she had "so much potential, if it wasnt for that moment and that job...blah blah blah blah blah."
You see, ive been discreetly testing you. Testing my theory, watching your reactions when certain things ive said seem to have a triggered you in an unknown way
You thought I was so naive. Hell I believed I was too. But here's the thing. I started to ignore you when you said some dots shouldnt be connected or that I was just overthinking.
And I started listening to the things in me that were telling me to wait. To say certain things and watch. To listen to your body language instead of the pretty words you said.
You are a truly splendid actor. You could go to Hollywood and make as much as any of your favorite. Too bad you decided to use your gifts to sabatoge a career I adored just for a chance that I would choose you over him.
You let me blame him too. Now that, that is sad for real.
You never thought id catch on.
You thought id be easy bait.
You were wrong.
You dont see it now. But this is why I will never choose you.
You fucked up bro.
You'll see that in time.
For now,
I mourn the best friend I thought you were.
For now I grieve the most meaningful friendship ive ever had.
I will always love the you before you fell in love with me.
Im sorry I ruined you.
I still understand
I forgive you
But you won't be allowed access to my energy any longer.
We certainly will be parting ways.
Sincerely,
The girl you helped destroy for love.
Ps. Were these the results you wanted? Are they everything you thought it would be? No? Hmm, who would've thought as much