Flying for the first time in 7 years with agoraphobia and traveling internationally
I (25F) cannot even believe I’m typing this right now, but in 2 days, I will be boarding my first flight in 7 years and traveling internationally for 5 days.
7 years may not seem like a lot, but as I’m only 25, 7 years is a quite a bit chunk of my life. A big reason I haven’t travelled internationally is because I’m a nervous wreck on a plane, especially during take off (it’s not the actual flying part that scares me, it’s the feeling of taking off as it makes me a bit dizzy, which is a bit triggering as someone with chronic vertigo.) Another reason is because of agoraphobia. I’m not the biggest fan of being away from the comforts of home. There was a time not too long ago where even just the thought of having to travel so far would’ve made me physically ill.
The last time I flew in 2019, I had to be pretty heavily sedated (thanks Dramamine and Klonopin), which helped a lot with the flight anxiety but also that panicky feeling of wanting to exit the plane before takeoff and go home. I plan on using those same tools, and my other coping tools (fidget toys, sound proof headphones, snacks, playing on my switch, downloaded movies, etc.) I will also be flying and sitting with my family which definitely helps a lot. The reason for such a large gap in traveling is a bit complicated, but also something I think will be pretty relatable for this page.
Back in 2019, I had some small symptoms of agoraphobia, which at the time felt pretty burdensome, but looking back, I can see it was only the beginning of my agoraphobia journey. I didn’t want to go on that trip in 2019, but I bit the bullet and did it anyways. My agoraphobia was luckily at bay the entire week long trip, and I came home successfully.
However, from 2020 to now, my struggle with agoraphobia has been something that has stolen years from my life, robbed me of opportunities, made me majorly depressed and made my panic disorder/GAD/BED worse. There were a few months in there I didn’t leave the house at all, where even stepping into my backyard gave me symptoms of a panic attack. Even just typing this out, I can remember those days and how ready I was to call it quits. I had truly thought that was how the rest of my life was gonna be. That I was gonna spend the rest of my days hiding in my bedroom, with too much fear and self hatred to try to get help. Whenever I had tried to step up and challenge myself into getting better, everything quickly came crashing down again and I fell into an even deeper hole. The depression was so bad, I remember how matted my hair became when I just fully stopped caring for myself. It was like I was preparing myself to die. I would lie to my psychiatrist and say my meds were working just fine because I was terrified of being further medicated and losing even more of myself. (I know now that I should’ve advocated for myself and discussed my options with him instead of shutting down the idea entirely.)
But then, in 2023, while on the job market after being fired from an in office job (I had called too many days off within too short of a window, because, well, you guessed it, my agoraphobia), I received a call from a job recruiter for a remote temp job. That job changed my life. Yes, it was remote, which may sound like it wouldn’t change much for me. But it was the structure and financial security that truly changed things for the better. Over time, I became more confident and started taking pride in my work, which in turn, gave me the push and confidence to want to better myself. I started going outside, which as sad as it may sound, was scary at first. I felt like everyone had their eyes on me, like as if they were staring at some ugly monster that had been hidden away and was finally being let out. I started going to my local convenience store, which at first felt so bright and loud, but then I realized how it wasn’t as bad as it was in my head. I started to see my family again at family parties, and slowly started to return to my lively self again in social settings. Yes, there were times I had to run to the car and sit in silence because the panic in public was overwhelming. There were times I would leave and go straight home. But then there were times I would go back inside after calming down in the car, and start again. Being able to prove to myself over and over again that yes, this feeling of panic is going to happen and yes, you will eventually feel better, and you will be glad you gave yourself a shot, made all of the difference.
I started ordering healthy groceries. I remember I got really into making beet juice, which was great for my blood pressure which tends to rise when I go out. I started researching and taking supplements. I started walking on my treadmill. I started doing some light stretch training, gaining more confidence in how strong my body is, how capable it is, how even after hundreds of panic attacks, I am still here, standing strong.
I started doing all of these little things which added up into one big thing: turning my life around for the better and putting up a fight against agoraphobia.
Little by little, I began to remember just how fun life can be. How fun it is to eat on a patio at a restaurant with loved ones, eating yummy food and the sounds of conversation and music filling your ears. How beautiful it is to spend a sunny day swimming in a pool and see how tan you’ve become. How wonderful it is to go grocery shopping for yourself and not have to pay those delivery fees. How resilient you feel where even in those wonderful moments, if feelings of panic begin to arise, you have the inner strength to know that it will pass as it always does and soon you will be back to enjoying the moment.
I was then hired permanently from my temp job, further motivating me to change for the better. And I will not lie, yes I had times where I relapsed into agoraphobia-induced days and weeks of not leaving home. I had, I mean, HAVE, many times where I have to begin again. The fight can feel exhausting. It can really drain you. It can make you hate yourself. Like, why? Why is something that everyone else can do without thinking about so difficult for me? I spend a lot of time with those type of thoughts. But unfortunately, nobody is coming to save you. You have to save yourself. Saving yourself can be something as simple as stepping outside for 5 minutes. Or it can be something as major as flying and traveling internationally for the first time in 7 years after a years long battle with agoraphobia. I am terrified, of course. I have ruminated over every possible bad scenario. “What if I have a panic attack on the plane?” “What if I feel ill during take off?” “What if I ruin my trip for my family?” These thoughts have been keeping me up at night. But these are all what-ifs. What I do know for sure is that giving myself enough time to prepare has been making the world of a difference. I have been going a bit crazy with buying what I think will bring me comfort. Okay, not that crazy, but I will definitely have many options on the plane. Have the comforts of home, no matter where I am, truly makes the world of a difference for me.
I decided to post in this subreddit for the first time because I wanted my story to be a story of hope. If you’re someone who is currently in a phase of agoraphobia where even stepping outside of your home is too much for you right now, just know that I see you and I believe in you.
I personally don’t think I will ever be 100% cured of agoraphobia. I think it is something I will always have waves of. Like yes, there is a small part of me that wants to cancel this upcoming trip and stay home. But what matters to me is keeping that part of me small. I do that by reminding myself how lucky I am to be able to travel. How lucky I am to have a passport. How amazing it will be to be at a resort in paradise. How wonderful the sand will feel on my feet. Although my body can sometimes mistake excitement for anxiety, I have to remind myself that ultimately, these feelings are side effects for being alive. And what a beautiful thing that is.
The morning of traveling, I assume I will be a nervous wreck. I assume I will be using all of my coping skills and tools. I assume I will want to run out of the plane before take off. I assume that at the resort, I will have moments of wishing I was home. That I may even have a panic attack (or 2… LOL). And that is okay, for I have had some of my worst panic attacks at home. Might as well be somewhere beautiful, right? It will all pass. As the Italians say, tutto passa. Learn to laugh at life more, and remember that disrupting your routine may feel bad at first, but do not worry. It will be there waiting for you when you get back :)