u/Head_Cloud_61

I’m in a bad place and I know it. I’ve posted for help before on here but it didn’t bring me any peace. You see, something happened along the way. I became this person. I don’t want to be this person but also I can’t help but feel it was my destiny to become.

I have been chasing all the same as other people. But in my later years of life I’ve become burnt own from an inexhaustible amount of failures. I have never been able to keep a job. And at every turn I feel people are attacking me.

Like if I got a minimum wage job. People literally come out of nowhere to humiliate or yell at me. Idk what exactly that is. In Christianity they call this persecution but strangely enough I see no other Christian’s dealing with this. I see no other Christian not being allowed to merely exist in society and in peace. I’m a walking magnet for evil to just come and yell at me.

Because of this, I gave up. I stopped leaving the house and developed agoraphobia. There is humiliation in how others treat me and why I can’t seem to climb the ladder. I’m serially unemployed. Every time I get a job I get fired within a few weeks.

There isn’t anything wrong I’m doing persay. Just people end up not liking me and trying to use me. I got my trucking license because it’s very good for my agoraphobia. I found that as long as I’m confined to the trucking rig I’m good. But then my boss would not give me work.

He would only send me out to clean up everyone else’s mess and keep me on call only. So it never was a real job. And I never understood why everyone in the world got decent jobs but I kept getting suckered like this. He would only send me out to snowstorms and dangerous extreme weather when other truckers refused to work. And I took it because I needed the money but almost got myself killed.

I ended up getting burned out from trucking because the danger from driving on straight ice and snowstorms in Minnesota as a new driver and with ADHD was way too much.

But I’m writing because I can’t seem to move to even apply for work anymore because some part of my brain says it’s a waste of time because capitalism and I know they will just fire me in a week. I’m 38 and I’ve been living like this my entire life. Switching careers thinking it’s better.

I’ve built some type of hatred towards people in general. I dislike everyone. I have no needs to socialize and when I do have to interact with other human beings I get deathly sick. I just end up feeling like how you feel before the flu hits. I get this hot flash feeling all over my body and nauseous.

It’s gotten bad where my family has given me no support and seems to think in time it will just fix. But they are toxic and abusive to me. But I have no where to go because I became this man child.

During today’s argument I went to a parking lot and just sat for 6 hours fully well knowing my mother will be yelling and screaming. And I knew if I go back it would be worse. I came back and still was bad. She wants me gone for the 1 millionth time. Being told repeatedly I’m not wanted and to go has really taken a toll on me.

For a while now I’ve had resentment to my loving parents but it’s passed the point where I also can’t help but feel the same way towards them as I would a stranger. No love nothing. Just disgust. Because when it really came down to be parentally they had absolutely no advice or help for me. My mother stares blankly when I speak to her and gives no response so long as it’s about tv or news. My father, he’s not physically or emotionally present.

I’m really hurting inside. I know none of you have a solution I came here to just vent because internally the suffering is to a point I cannot bare it anymore.

Part of me just wishes I can go get a job. But clearly I’m disabled with adhd. A debilitating adhd. And a man child. Not because I’m incapable but because no one ever gave me a chance to have money or opportunity. The difference in our society from being a man child to a man is just financial.

To tell you how bad it was. I didn’t eat lunch in my car sitting there 6 hours. I couldn’t get to the drive thru not because of lack of funds. But Executive function and just humiliated with the fact I even exist. I couldn’t even get through the drive through. So I’m not even sure how I’m meant to exist.

I wanted to cry but the tears no longer come out.
My entire Christian faith has been shaken. I’m not sure where God is but he’s left me here to suffer. He doesn’t help me like my parents did. Everyone keeps saying to help myself. I prayed God would just take me away. I’ve been praying everyday for years but I’m still here. Not sure why I exist or why I’m here.

But I didn’t ask to be born. And I didn’t ask to have ADHD. There’s clearly no purpose. I’m a short way away from a screw loose. What do I do? I can’t think of anything besides GTA things. I tried doing the honest legal stuff but society just won’t let me do it or have a break.

Do you think this is how criminals are born? I’m struggling with whatever feelings I’m feeling. My issue is to sit in silence and suffer for so long is not a life that is worth it to me. I feel like I would prefer to live my life faster whatever that means. If I get taken out at least I did something or at least had some fun. I’m not currently enjoying being alive. I see the world around me going on and I just don’t get it.

People say to leave the house you will feel better. But when I leave I hang my head down in shame. I can’t even look at the flowers or trees. I just don’t care about it. Or all the people driving around. They got some type of purpose. I’m a glitch in the simulation.