My therapist/mentor/friend is very sick
I have been in therapy for years now, but in last september i hit rock bottom and my then therapist didnt even care so i urgently found someone online.
I was extremely lucky, she literally gave my life back to me and became more than a therapist. Nothing romantic or stuff, more like a mentor. She was available basically 0/24 if i needed help, when i was scared of EVERYTHING she provided safety. It helped a lot, and i didnt even have to call or text her in emergency, just knowing i can count on her was enough. I could message her anytime i had concerns, and did answer when she could. My healing was extremely fast, she provided anything professional and personal i needed for progress. Now thanks to her i am in a post-anxiety stage where old intrusive thoughts come sometimes, but have little to no power. I am basically healed and started building my life again, while working out the last remaining stuff in therapy.
I know the relationship is semi-professional, therapists don’t tend to be mentors or friends, but this is not the point now, just context why i am so fucking sad right now.
After the last session, we stayed a bit longer in our usual online meeting and she said that she can not give an appointment for next week. At first i was happy, she needed a break, she works her ass off, but instead of a holiday it would be a hospital visit. She has a rare, uncureable disease and was fine for long years, but got worse all of a sudden, and now they say she has maybe a few weeks left.
I am sure i will do fine thanks to her (even if it is scary a bit), but it is so fucking unfair that probably wont be able to see and know it. I feel stupid how sad i am, i am hoping and grieving at the same time, thinking about her and myself too. I will miss my mentor and friend, but still have hope that somehow it was a false alarm or something.
Anyway, i could write a novel right now, the point is that it sucks so bad right now. I had the privilege to not have to deal with strong grief for almost 30 years, but now it caught up to me.