How to turn off my heart
I love my partner. I like my partner. I don’t want to break up with my partner. I also recognize our relationship is unhealthy.
He can twist my words and assume the worst. He can list all my faults and flaws. He can be dismissive and cruel. He can blame me for his bad day, his unfinished tasks, his horrible feelings. And I know often he is deeply hurt by me. So his behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere.
I want us to do better. I don’t know if we can.
When I am strong and calm, I can be okay. I can accept things as they are. I can recognize that we have different realities. I can recognize that realities can shift: he may think I’m an uncaring and dramatic one day, and appreciate me the next. I can remember that we have different brains and different strengths - what’s easy for me isnt always easy for him (and vice versa). And I can feel secure that he likes me and wants to be with me.
But when things are hard, my sense goes out the window. I just hear that echoing list of everything bad about me, and how I’m ruining his life. I can be the adult in the room for a while, but eventually I turn into a kid too.
I know I should step away. But I get so desperate for repair and reassurance and understanding for both of us. I overestimate his capacity and my abilities (maybe if i try rephrasing again? What about a clumsy metaphor?) So I keep talking. Or I keep responding. And everything gets worse.
I want us to be able to communicate and care for each other better. That is not possible right now. So right now I have to figure out how to turn my heart off. To put aside hurt feelings and just move on with my day. To be steady and strong. How the hell do I do this when I am dying inside?