Blaming Hormones
Ive known about his porn for years. When I first discovered it at the beginning of our marriage, I was angry and heart broken. When I kept finding it and the fights kept coming up, he flipped the script: How could I keep him from something he enjoyed - from happiness? He is a man now and can make decisions for himself. I was mothering him and Im not his mother. Im so jealous and insecure. He's not having sex with anyone, he just likes watching. Every man does it and most women dont care. (He says he doesn't believe these things anymore, but this is what he fed me for over 20 years). I believed him.
I Stuffed my negative feelings and even would watch it with him (and without him at some points). I saw the allure, but it just left me comparing myself and feeling even more insecure. For over 20 years I fought these insecurities and stuffed them back into my mind. I used bible verses of taking every thought captive to try to replace them with good thoughts of my husband. He told me to trust God and not worry so much. I should just believe that he loves me and my feelings were wrong. He even said he tried to quit several times because he saw that it hurt me, but he couldn't quit. He thinks porn is not wrong (or right) but because it hurts me, it's not right for us.
Now that I've put my foot down and decided I will no longer fight my hurt and pain and will no longer allow porn in my marriage - it's my changing hormones causing my reactions. He thinks my screwed up hormones are the problem. Now, all the hurt and pain I have been stuffing for all these years are coming to the surface, and he thinks my hormones are just off.
Honestly - I think my hormones just might have brought me to this point.