Violent thoughts/images of hurting my abuser
Someone close to me took their own life 2 months ago and for some reason this has spiralled some trauma stuff in my head even though the bereavement is unrelated to the abuse I experienced.
Now since my friend died every night before I go to sleep I have been having these almost intrusive violent images of hacking at my mother with a knife, or mutilating her until she’s unrecognisable.
I recognise these thoughts/images from when I was a child. I used to get these images in my head of attacking her with a knife when she was hurting me. I knew as a child to never tell anyone about these thoughts because I’d be categorised as a problem child and people would be afraid of me and they wouldn’t understand that she was hurting me. The thoughts stopped when I was a teenager and I started self harming as a way to cope.
I know on an intellectual level the thoughts are probably a normal trauma response thing but there are times where the sheer violence of the imagery makes me feel like a serial killer. And remembering that I’ve had such violent graphic thoughts since I was very young is unnerving.
My mother has been dead for a few years now and I’d been doing well keeping symptoms at bay for the last few months. I don’t really understand why all this rage is coming up of its own accord now.