u/HealthWeird9766

I found out 7 months ago that my husband of 24 years was going to massage parlors. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this but he never admitted to it 10 years ago when confronted. I’ve seen things through the years between then and now but always minimized/gaslit myself. Since dday, he told me he went to massage parlors before marriage (new info) but hasn’t admitted more than the massage visits I know about , I’m assuming there’s a large probability he’s been going throughout our whole marriage. There’s also been dating apps on his phone and what I suspect as an emotional affair at minimum. As well as strip clubs searches on craigslist for massages and back page searches years ago.

Now that he’s been caught, he is trying hard to do all the work. He’s doing all the things. And I just don’t feel like I want to work on this at all. I don’t want to stay with someone who would treat me this way and deceive me for my whole marriage. Sex addict or not it just seems like too much for me to get past. And I feel bad for not even wanting to try. I feel like my teen and college age sons are going to see me as the villain when I don’t want to stay after they see their dad doing the work. I’m really worried they won’t understand. I haven’t really been able to talk to them about things. They know their dad has been unfaithful, but they have no idea the extent of things and for how long it has gone on. I want to tell them, but I also don’t want to bad mouth their dad to them so it’s a fine line to walk.

I guess it’s hard because people don’t see the trauma of a lifetime of being neglected ignored and lied to. My son’s and other people don’t know how I was told bad things about myself when he wasn’t interested in me sexually. And so now it just feels like an insurmountable mountain to overcome to even want to reconcile. I feel guilty for just wanting to leave and be done and start over. Like I’m not a good person. Can anyone relate? I would consider myself an extremely empathetic person. I see the good and all people I’m very compassionate and forgiving. But after giving almost a quarter of my life in a marriage where I haven’t been valued and respected, it’s like I want to respect myself and choose me. How do I balance that person who is deeply empathetic and not feel guilty for blowing up my kids lives? I am in so much pain with the gravity of what might unfold if I leave. I know that if I stay, I’m going to betray myself and be miserable in this marriage. How do I choose peace for me when I know it means upending their lives forever? I hate what my husband has done and the decision that he has given me to make.

I’ve posted a few times. Hopefully no one is tired of me yet. 😊 H (55) and me, BS (46) have been married 24 years. We have 3 boys 21,18,14. In 2017 husband had an Asian massage( I assume happy ending) but never would admit to it and just DARVOED me. Two years later I saw a google search for erotic massage; I just minimized and said it probably just popped up on a porn site or something. Lots of years have gone by since then where I didn’t trust him but also didn’t have solid proof and thought maybe I was crazy. Also during this 10 year period he’s had zero interest in sex so we’ve had a roommate marriage. I was blamed for his lack of interest. Well 6 months ago I see he’s searching up Asian massages again and it’s in his maps searches a lot. Along with strip clubs. I got a GPS tracker and finally confronted him and he did confess to going to massage parlors recently. He said he’s gone 4 times but only got a HE once. And he finally confessed to the one 10 years ago. So now I assume he’s been going off and on our whole marriage but have no idea. He admitted he used to go before we got married so it’s logical to assume he never stopped.He has only admitted to exactly what I know.

I’ve asked him for a basic timeline of when these massage parlor visits started in our marriage up until what I know. I’ve asked him for this for about 2 months, have reminded him and still he hasn’t given anything. Dday was 3 months ago.

He’s got a CSAT (virtual and she’s in training but I guess it’s better than nothing). He’s going to some recovery meetings I think. But I’ve told him it would go a long way to helping me if he would provide this so I can know what my marriage has been but he won’t do it. Am I being unreasonable to expect this from him? I want a full disclosure with polygraph at some point and I plan to ask my CSAT on Monday about how to start that process. But until then which could be months …. It’s hard to live without the truth of what my life has been

That seems to be what I’m really struggling with most right now. 24 your marriage. Recent discovery of massage parlor visits and lots of other suspicions but no answers yet. This isn’t the first time with massage parlor visits in question.

For so many years, he hasn’t wanted me. And after trying several times to confront and ask why it was always met with blame to me. You’ve let yourself go, you’ve gained too much weight, I’m not attracted to you anymore, etc. I admit it. After so many years, I’m not being interested in me no affection, etc. I quit trying. I would initiate on rare occasions, but if I didn’t nothing,l would’ve ever happened. So after years of a roommate marriage, I finally discovered a few months ago that he’s been going to massage parlors.

I think the recent discovery paired with years of basically being abandoned I just don’t feel the same for him any more . I know I loved him when I married him, but I just don’t feel it now. I don’t really even like him I care about him and want him to get better and do what’s right, but I just can’t seem to get to a point where I can feel love for him anymore

This scares me the most. I’m looking for people in maybe similar situations with a long-term marriage where they were able to get that spark back. I don’t know how I can stay in this and try to help him through recovery without love and desire to make this work. I know I’m only three months out from discovery which by the way was not a confession. He got caught, and I confronted him.

Anybody have hopeful words for me? Worrying about this makes me feel really distraught.

Maybe I’m just in a bad mood. After dday just 2 months ago I’m really in a bad headspace. I feel like I just want to walk. I don’t feel I love him after years of neglect, emotional and sexual. While also being made to feel inadequate … And I’m worried that love isn’t coming back.

My husband is in IC and looking for a CSAT (seems to be dragging his feet ), reading books on SA and listening to podcasts, etc. He’s constantly texting me to tell me where he is and when he’s coming home.

And I just don’t care. I told him I don’t want to have to babysit him. I don’t want to have to know his locations and all his plans. Just do what you should be doing. Maybe it’s because I tracked him like a hawk for the last 4 months and saw just what he was up to and all the deception. Maybe it gave me ptsd.

Can anyone relate? I love him in the sense that he’s all I’ve known for the last 24 years and the father of my kids ad a good provider but with so little connection and then the massage parlors and more I probably my don’t know about I just feel out of empathy to want to work through this.

And I feel terrible about it. I want to want to try but I just feel nothing . I feel like I’d be fine alone the rest of my life. Even if my standard of living has to suffer a bit. We have 3 sons (14,18,21) and I want to try for them. But how do you do marriage counseling when you feel like you have one and a half feet out of the relationship? I don’t know that I have the energy or desire to try fixing this addiction for the next 2-5 years but I also feel so guilty for feeling that way.

Has anyone felt this down about things? I read all these comments about how much everyone loves their SA so much and is so freaked out when they leave the house. Because they worry they’ll act out. I legit don’t care anymore. I’m tired because I haven’t been important enough all these years, because he didn’t give a flying flip about me when he was ignoring me and seeking out other women, I’m mad that he lived a secret life while pretending to be a great family man and church leader, that I have to carry this secret of what he’s done and pretend to my boys that everything is good while I’m in indescribable pain, and that there’s no end in sight I’m mad the rug has been pulled out from under me after 24 years, that I have to choose to live my life with him and have no guarantee that he won’t do it again in 5 years OR. leave and blow up all our lives. And I’m supposed to want to help him through this?

Has anyone felt like this initially but was able to get love back and want to stay? I’m scared of how I’m feeling .