r/lovewithaSexAddict

For a spouse, sex addiction and acting out is often felt as the ultimate show of disrespect. I know for me the feeling of being disrespected was visceral. To counter that I think increased self-respect is so important, not just for us but for the addict in recovery to see how much we value ourselves. I'd like to hear from other partners, what do you do to show yourself respect while dealing with betrayal trauma?

A few of mine:

* Call out any gaslighting or past manipulation tactics.

* I never reply to his messages immediately anymore. I don't jump to his attention.

* I don't return the "I love you's".

I remember the "peaceful" feeling before discovery day. The days that I woke every morning with a happy, content disposition. It was a fresh day, life was good (or so I thought). I felt loved, cherished, adored and those feelings were reciprocated. I had the deep love and respect for my husband. He was mine; I was his, a simple yet comfortable life together, everything I needed.

The "peaceful" feeling rarely finds me now. Sex addiction has so many tentacles, they reach into every aspect of life. I miss knowing who I was married too, I miss the belief that we had been living the same life, naive in the belief that we were always going in the same direction, together.

Sex addiction dissolved our connection. The solid, all-knowing links that held our lives together vanished in an instant. One moment we were tied together tight! The next I was standing in complete despair staring at a human I didn't recognize. That shift in reality is life changing, life shattering.

He tells me he loves me every day and he thinks that means something to me, it doesn't. He's been free of all acting out for 6 months now, he wants me to see him for who he is now and I do. I see him exactly as he is, a man recovering, a man that hurt me to my core, a man that took all my love and respect for him and demolished it. Recovery doesn't stop the images of him I now have to carry with me forever. Recovery doesn't absolve; recovery just moves him closer to who I thought he was being all along, but really can he get anywhere near? As a wife, as a woman is there anything more shattering than realizing the man you were married to was actually your worst nightmare?

Wishing all the best to the women fighting the daily struggle to find some peace. xx

I found out 7 months ago that my husband of 24 years was going to massage parlors. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this but he never admitted to it 10 years ago when confronted. I’ve seen things through the years between then and now but always minimized/gaslit myself. Since dday, he told me he went to massage parlors before marriage (new info) but hasn’t admitted more than the massage visits I know about , I’m assuming there’s a large probability he’s been going throughout our whole marriage. There’s also been dating apps on his phone and what I suspect as an emotional affair at minimum. As well as strip clubs searches on craigslist for massages and back page searches years ago.

Now that he’s been caught, he is trying hard to do all the work. He’s doing all the things. And I just don’t feel like I want to work on this at all. I don’t want to stay with someone who would treat me this way and deceive me for my whole marriage. Sex addict or not it just seems like too much for me to get past. And I feel bad for not even wanting to try. I feel like my teen and college age sons are going to see me as the villain when I don’t want to stay after they see their dad doing the work. I’m really worried they won’t understand. I haven’t really been able to talk to them about things. They know their dad has been unfaithful, but they have no idea the extent of things and for how long it has gone on. I want to tell them, but I also don’t want to bad mouth their dad to them so it’s a fine line to walk.

I guess it’s hard because people don’t see the trauma of a lifetime of being neglected ignored and lied to. My son’s and other people don’t know how I was told bad things about myself when he wasn’t interested in me sexually. And so now it just feels like an insurmountable mountain to overcome to even want to reconcile. I feel guilty for just wanting to leave and be done and start over. Like I’m not a good person. Can anyone relate? I would consider myself an extremely empathetic person. I see the good and all people I’m very compassionate and forgiving. But after giving almost a quarter of my life in a marriage where I haven’t been valued and respected, it’s like I want to respect myself and choose me. How do I balance that person who is deeply empathetic and not feel guilty for blowing up my kids lives? I am in so much pain with the gravity of what might unfold if I leave. I know that if I stay, I’m going to betray myself and be miserable in this marriage. How do I choose peace for me when I know it means upending their lives forever? I hate what my husband has done and the decision that he has given me to make.

I’m feeling extremely frustrated with the process of finding a new CSAT. My husband and I have both been speaking to one for 3+ years, but with my husband’s relapse and our uptick in sessions it’s becoming SO expensive. We’ve been paying our current provider out of pocket, and I want to find one that takes insurance. Is that even a thing? Do these therapists take insurance? Zero luck so far.

If you have suggestions or resources on how to find one please share.

If you know of any telehealth providers, please share.

If you happen to know an amazing CSAT that takes blue choice and is in South Carolina, please please share.

Praying that I don’t get sucked back into the chaos. For those who remember my story, my big dday was a year and a half ago. Escorts and message parlors. Multiple times a week while still having daily sex with me. I moved out, he got a CSAT, after sex months “sober” we got back together. About 6 months ago he relapsed with dating apps and escorts. He committed to additional therapy, daily group, and couples counseling. I travel a lot for work and when I come back, I’ve noticed he’s not dying to have sex like usual. I posted his photo in a Facebook group called Are We Dating the Same Guy. Turns out he never deleted the apps and many have claimed they met up with him. We share locations and have phone monitoring but he is very clever. I broke it off but he’s adamantly denying the claims and I have no hard evidence other than hearsay. These women have no reason to lie but the gaslighting from him is making me question if I’m the one that’s going crazy or if he’s on the apps and meeting people when I travel. I know deep down it’s probably true. But I can’t seem to accept it without hard evidence because of his denial. I can’t live like this anymore. I almost admitted myself to a mental hospital last week because I feel like I don’t have a grasp on my own reality anymore. And while I was spiraling out he continued to utter “it’s all in your head.”

Sorry for the long rant. I just need him gone for good but my mind is playing tricks on me. I wish I never met him…

So I have been in hyper vigilance mode once again due to some events, and went through his bathroom cabinet and found a bottle of very specific lube that wasn’t there before. It’s specific for “suck and blow” and is basically a flavored lube for oral. First off, we have never used anything more than your basic Astroglide, and rarely so in our 13 years together. We also have had a semi dead bedroom for a while and recently finally were intimate and discussed a plan to increase our intimacy. For the record, he has multiple affairs in a 2.5 year span…one main one and then monkey branched to others. He claims he has not physically cheated for over two years (long story, he was still sexting and even in contact with AP and others).

I found this odd not only because it would be out of character for us, but furthermore because you can apparently only purchase this on the company website. It doesn’t appear in any stores or Amazon from what I can tell. Then I dug further. This particular flavor is not even currently available on their site. I then shined a light up to it, and guess what? Clearly some of it is missing. I then see lube marks and even an eyelash stuck in the rim. I am spiraling.

This is clearly not something you buy for personal masturbation. I don’t know why he would put this in his cabinet knowing I do “snoop”, but it seems to me the only logical explanation is he is still acting out. I am gutted but have no definitive proof and we now have a baby.

Not sure what I’m looking for but advice/support is appreciated.

Someone in a different group said I should post here too. My husband admits to being a meth addict. I haven't considered whether it is also sex addiction. This was my post in a different group that got me the suggestion to come here too:

Husband and chemsex

We've been together for 14 years and have two kids. He started using 7 years ago. It was weird because he was hanging out with this gay dude constantly and wouldn't let me. I accused him of having an affair with him back then because the guy called him papi. He got furious. Eventually told me they just did meth together.

Over the years I've been focused mostly getting him clean. I'd find dating apps on his phone but never go through them. Even found Grindr a few times but never went through them. I guess I just wasn't ready to know.

2 months ago I found it on there again under a different icon. He had been meeting up with men, multiple men, repeatedly, getting high and fucking for close to two years. He had also been sexting all genders through Reddit and probably Snapchat which he also had.

I obviously freaked out. This was different. This was confirmation.

He for some reason decided to get clean from all of this. He's been sober 44 days. During that time he confessed to being bi. Said he prefer feminine...which made no sense because the men he would seek repeatedly looked masculine as fuck minus the few transwomen he'd see once and never again or the cross dressers.

He was still sleeping with me this whole time. Would ask for it so much I couldn't keep up so bi might be right, but it has been messing with me that the people he would legit seek out time and time again were masculine men. He'd call them daddy and papi which is what I call him. Most of their messages where just about meth and sex. But every now and then he'd help them around the house if they needed say they're sink fixed or garage or something like that. He'd use those few opportunities to tell me where he really was going to sell it like he was just doing a quick handyman gig or helping a friend.

He wants to fix it. He wants to get clean and stop cheating. But I'm just such a fucking mess. Like why just men? It would almost make me believe he was into me a little more if he at least slept with a female too every now and then. He says clean he's not really into men like that, but that makes no sense to me. I've checked meth subs and straight dudes in there say no way does meth make them crave dick.

I'm half waiting for when he's sobered up more for him to confess I was the outlier and he's actually into men most of the time and this isn't going to work out after all.

Is anybody in this boat? Or has been? I just want someone to help me understand.

I am bi. I've known since I was 11. I've been with all gender identities, but faithful in this relationship. I know it's possible to be bi and faithful.

TLDR - How do I just make it through a brutal few weeks when R isn’t going well and I’m completely depleted?

I (33F) have been dreading this period for months. On top of full-time work, I have my final major degree assignments (significantly disrupted since DDay) and an interstate conference next week where I’m presenting and feel nervous as hell. WP has historically acted out during my work trips, so travel is already a trigger.

It’s been 2 years since DDay1, one year since DDay2. Despite a brief early separation over WP’s ambivalence, I’ve been hopeful, committed and patient through most of R - enough to get engaged and start TTC until recently.

The last few weeks have been bad. Defensiveness about his efforts, mismatched expectations about “the work,” and a realisation he wasn’t as far along in his recovery as I thought. I asked for one meeting a week, IC, and some shared reflection. In CC he said it felt like a full-time job, that it wasn’t balanced, the work gets in the way of him living life, and that he doubts he’ll ever be enough for what I’m asking for, doubt that we’ll make it.

That’s shaken me hard. To offer everything I have to someone who put me through significant levels of deception and betrayal and he’s still just… not confident and not sure he can do it despite asking me to marry him and TTC, makes me feel rejected and worthless on another level.

I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am professionally and academically, somehow held onto my job and nearly finished my degree, and I’m applying for other roles without success because my employment feels uncertain. The last few months have brought real isolation, loss of routine, relentless anxiety, and a level of depression I haven’t had in a long time. No savings, no family nearby, no real social support.

We spoke tonight and we are at breaking point. My life feels like it’s about to blow up again, right when I mentally prepared so hard for this period to just be about getting through things that used to feel so easy to me pre-DDay.

I don’t have the reserves I used to. I’m so tired. Any advice welcome.

6 months from D-Day. Most of my days I'm emotionally okay, with a few very dysregulated episodes thrown in for entertainment! A few months ago, I truly believed I was destined for a lifetime of daily pain and anxiety around my husband's sex addiction, but slowly life is calming.

For the wives that stay with their addict I think we all go through something such as "marital disassociation" or a "psychological separation". A way of keeping ourselves emotionally safe and to retain our mental strength, to keep from falling into a pit of despair when the awful thoughts come to us unannounced, physically present but also emotionally guarded. An outcome of this is that I struggle to access thoughts regarding what I need.

What do I need? From him, from the relationship, from myself, and the answers don't come. I know he is doing the work and has been sober from all acting out since D-day but other than that what do I really need to move forward with him? I think sex addiction discovery puts us in a permanent state of "limbo". We are dealing with an altered past, a painful present and an unsure future. The security of the life we thought we had has been replaced with constant uncertainty, about us, about him and about what I now need.

Do you know what you need?

I hate:

* that my husband is a sex addict
* that my husband has cheated
* that my husband has lied
* that my husband gaslit me
* that my husband manipulated me
* that my husband have given me trauma

I hate all these things with a passion. But one thing I would hate even more is to be living in the complete darkness that I once was. Oblivious that I was married to a sex addict and what the reality of my life actually was. My eyes are open, I see him more clearer now than I ever had in the past. He’s working hard and he damn well needs too.

He no longer gets the benefit of the doubt with me. He no longer gets to play victim with me. The DARVO is now called out instantly instead of blindly accepted. He is treated exactly the way he deserves to be treated from now on.

My husband is 6 months sober tomorrow from all
his acting out vices. He’s determined and adamant to never return to the life he had. I’m deeply hurt and saddened but while he shows me the man I deserve I will stay but my place in this marriage is no longer set in stone, and he knows that.

I often wonder how many women are walking around living their lives in the oblivious, naive state I once was. I also wonder how many women are like me, awake to the charade. This problem is bigger than we could ever know.

I’ll take this life even with my constant mind gymnastics over being someone’s emotional and physical puppet. Living in obliviousness is the ultimate nightmare and I’m so glad to be awake now.

This comment pretty much encapsulates the way I’ve been feeling for five years now. I thought perhaps he might catch up, but eventually I realized that has always been impossible. SAs select their partners for intelligence, self-discipline, and morality, to make up for their lack of purpose, character flaws, and awareness. Don’t squander your talents on someone who cannot mature. Find connection elsewhere.

I’m wondering if anyone is having this experience as well.

My SA had a lot of traits that I was looking for in a man, he wasn’t everything but to me there was enough positives to outweigh the smaller things that I would have liked. Examples, he’s not romantic, he doesn’t take initiatives (outside and inside the bedroom), he’s nerdy and doesn’t give very masculine energy, I wasn’t that attracted to him psychically but other qualities about him let me moved past that and then eventually I loved him no matter how he looked (before dday), and just other everyday life things.

Now with the betrayal I am REALLY struggling to look past those things that weren’t my ideal but weren’t a deal breaker. I’m increasingly struggling to be romantically attracted to him and because of that our sex life is struggling. The only time I have sex is when nature ups the hormones and I’m purely wanting sex because I’m horny and that happens for MAYBE a couple days out of the month when I’m ovulating. Otherwise I have no desire for him.

I know I’ve fallen out of love with him, for a long while now. I think I still love him in some way because when he does mess up I get upset. I imagine if I didn’t love him and he messed up then I wouldn’t care? He tried to get couples counseling and he ended up flaking and I told him now is not the time because he is obviously not serious about it. There are other moments that shows he lack of consistency and consideration and those moments are making me go further into this hole of “I’m not attracted to you”

Someone recently commented about having an “ick list” and I think that is what’s happening here. There are so many “icks” that I am sinking into this hole.

Has anyone else experienced this?

I'm going thru a restraining order process and divorce with my SA spouse of 8 years. I have the house, the bills, the children, the responsibilities. He goes to work and stays at a bachelor pad w/ a friend. I worked and made more money for the first almost 6 years in addition to all other obligations. I stopped working 2 years ago and he agreed. I did all the paperwork for his current job to get him in. He's by far the most diabolical monster I've ever encountered in this life.

The restraining order went into effect on Wed night. This morning he got paid into our joint account. He took $200 cash out of an ATM at 7:30am. Tonight he spent $40 out of the account/debit at Quickchek. If you took $200 this morning and have zero personal financial obligations, how did you need $240 by tonight? He's clearly trying to get a rise out of me so I break the restraining order. I won't, but I'm losing it.

Has anyone gotten a PI and if so, what did it entail and did it help in your process? He is manipulating everyone in our lives to believe he is the victim and Im spiraling in the process. I'm such an emotional mess right now while he's fine and cozy somewhere else w/ no problems. I need some wisdom rn.

I’ve posted a few times. Hopefully no one is tired of me yet. 😊 H (55) and me, BS (46) have been married 24 years. We have 3 boys 21,18,14. In 2017 husband had an Asian massage( I assume happy ending) but never would admit to it and just DARVOED me. Two years later I saw a google search for erotic massage; I just minimized and said it probably just popped up on a porn site or something. Lots of years have gone by since then where I didn’t trust him but also didn’t have solid proof and thought maybe I was crazy. Also during this 10 year period he’s had zero interest in sex so we’ve had a roommate marriage. I was blamed for his lack of interest. Well 6 months ago I see he’s searching up Asian massages again and it’s in his maps searches a lot. Along with strip clubs. I got a GPS tracker and finally confronted him and he did confess to going to massage parlors recently. He said he’s gone 4 times but only got a HE once. And he finally confessed to the one 10 years ago. So now I assume he’s been going off and on our whole marriage but have no idea. He admitted he used to go before we got married so it’s logical to assume he never stopped.He has only admitted to exactly what I know.

I’ve asked him for a basic timeline of when these massage parlor visits started in our marriage up until what I know. I’ve asked him for this for about 2 months, have reminded him and still he hasn’t given anything. Dday was 3 months ago.

He’s got a CSAT (virtual and she’s in training but I guess it’s better than nothing). He’s going to some recovery meetings I think. But I’ve told him it would go a long way to helping me if he would provide this so I can know what my marriage has been but he won’t do it. Am I being unreasonable to expect this from him? I want a full disclosure with polygraph at some point and I plan to ask my CSAT on Monday about how to start that process. But until then which could be months …. It’s hard to live without the truth of what my life has been

Dday was 5-6 days ago now. It hasn’t been a full week. I always thought I’d be the type to immediately decide to leave if I found a partner was cheating. I’m making him move out regardless of whether we stay together or not, but deciding what to do is so so hard. Here are the facts.

Our relationship: We’ve been together almost 5 years. He has been cheating for almost that whole time. We have no kids, no house, not married. We do have a dog together. And, other than the cheating, he was really good to me. Kind, understanding, never yelled. He’s funny and sweet. Good to my family. I did feel a little unfulfilled intellectually and conversationally. So we were in couples counseling for that and communication in general. I don’t doubt his love for me, and I still love him a lot.

The cheating: He was messaging women early on in our relationship, but said he never cheated with them physically (I didn’t even find out about the messages until 5 days ago). He has been cheating on me with men for a specific fetish for 4 out of the 5ish years. He says they never had penetrative sex. He did not tell me on his own, I found out because he handed me his phone to buy him a birthday gift. He initially tried to lie until I cornered him. But he has been so apologetic since, has not blamed me for anything, takes full accountability. Says he wants to do therapy. But also we had been a couples counseling for about a year already, and he had never come clean. Actively lying during sessions whenever I had doubts. I also, very early on, communicated to please just break up with me if ever he felt the urge to cheat. And he took that as a sign to hide his behavior better instead of as the boundary it is.

My past: My dad is a sex addict who used to watch porn on the TV while me and my siblings were in the room. He serially cheated on my mom. They stayed together until I was 12. Living in such a weird, tense house has been extremely formative in bad ways to me now lol. I’ve been in therapy for that and other things for years. So my partner cheating and repeatedly lying about it is especially triggering. But I have some sympathy for him.

Anyway, please send advice my way. I feel like I should take this as a warning and leave while we have no logistics forcing us together (kids, money). But also he was so good to me and I love him so much. And now I have more evidence that all men cheat, so should I stay with a cheater i at least like? Ugh

The thing that mesmerizes me the most when it comes to sex addiction, compulsion etc. is the entitlement. I just can't fathom what processes the brain must need to go through to justify hijacking anther persons whole life and reality. Thousands of lies, thousands of decisions to manipulate and gaslight, thousands of decisions to do the wrong thing. It's horrific.

Starting to think, after he was allegedly in recovery but found out he’s currently sexting with and trying to get in this chicks pants at his job, if I should just detach enough for my mental health and think of him as just a life partner. Take sex off the table and let him go fuck whoever as long as he never touches me again. I know I should leave instead, but my life is good otherwise. I just wish I knew how to do it without it hurting so much and not caring. Anyone else ever try this and have success?

New here. I've been a member of the loveafterporn sub for many years. My PA/SA has not admitted to anything physical yet, but I know. It's in my dreams and my gut is screaming. There's a million different arrows pointing in that direction. I constantly second guess myself thinking maybe it's just my trauma warped brain talking, but on some level, I know it's not.

When everything first blew up in 2020, it was mostly porn and masturbation. He never stopped. Faked recovery until it was very obvious he was balls deep again - no pun intended. Poor hygiene, overall unstable mood, dead bedroom, etc.

At the moment, he's trying to convince me it's only been ppl watching and fantasizing. Like any other addiction, this progresses, it doesn't go backwards. Im not an idiot. I know I'll be filing for divorce in the future, but I still want to know. Currently seeing a CSAT, but just started and he's half-assing recovery efforts.

Can anyone give me advice and experience right now?

I have been with my partner for almost 4 years since 2022. He’s had a porn/sex addiction this whole time. I found out after our first daughter was born in 2023. He’s been dealing with this since he was young. He hates it about himself but feels like he can’t control it. He’s quit for a few weeks or a month a few times throughout our relationship and then ends up going back to it. I’ve become numb to it all. Yesterday he went to a massage parlour and a club. He came home and admitted what had happened immediately, apologized, and said he wants to find help and change. He doesn’t want to live like this anymore.

I’ve done a lot of research on the addiction and it REALLY is like any other addiction. It literally requires the brain. I don’t think he chose to be like this or chooses to continually be this way. And so I try to sympathize. And I do. I feel for him. And I have stayed and I plan to stay and I support him through it.

I just don’t know where to begin on my own healing though. I feel so numb and yet so sad at the same time. I feel unloved and lost. I know he means well and I know he WANTS to change and that he CAN. I just don’t know where to begin on forgiving him and feeling emotions towards all of this again. When he told me what happened yesterday I didn’t even react.

I do love him deep down. I just want to feel love towards him the way that I used to. I want to be able to trust him again. I want things to go back to the way they were. I don’t know how to help him and I don’t know how to get past this. I don’t even know. I just needed support and a place to vent with people who understand.

A lot of the posts say they hate their partner and that I should leave but I don’t think people really understand the depth of an addiction like this. I just need support from people who understand.

I write this while I sit in the living room of a brand new house that I bought with my husband a few weeks ago. Second day into the new house I find Grindr on his phone. The pictures I find on there are shocking- not only has he been sexting men, he’s also been seeking out trans women. After a lot of digging I find out that he’s been sexting throughout our 2 year marriage. Says he is “bi-curious” and was only on grindr because it’s easier to sext with men and get things out of them.

Only been a few weeks since discovery. The wound is raw and it hurts in places I didn’t know existed inside of me. Partner says he’s never acted out in person, but he only says that because I don’t have proof that he’s met anyone, once I do, the trickle truth will begin. I’ve had a raw and honest conversation with him, but it seems like every time he opens his mouth, he can only manage to tell a lie. He’s a compulsive liar.

At the same time, I see pain, guilt, shame in his eyes. I see a broken man who will only break further if I leave him. He’s started therapy since but why did it only start after I have threatened to leave him?

And what about ME? How can I be a part of solution for a problem that I didn’t know existed? How do I give my life to a man I know is capable of hurting and destroying me?

I sometimes hope that I’m living in a bad dream, I’ll wake up one day and it’ll all be gone. But it doesn’t go away, every morning I wake up and I have to remind myself of the betrayal and the suffering starts again. Every. Single. Day.