r/lovewithaSexAddict

Does anyone else have problems with minimizing what their partner has been doing? For years I’ve known something was up but haven’t really 100% known or maybe that it’s that I didn’t want to know. Like I would see searches on his phone for erotic massage, but I would explain it away for some reason. Or when I saw a charge for an oriental massage years ago, and he never would admit to it, I just let it go and explained it away somehow like maybe he didn’t really go and I’m crazy or maybe he did go but nothing happened that was inappropriate. Even still now in the past six months I found out he actually has been going to massage parlors but I find myself minimizing it like well. Maybe it was only a hand job… Or maybe it was just a hand job, but she wasn’t naked or at least it wasn’t a full-blown emotional affair or it could’ve been so much worse.

I don’t even have the full story yet so it’s very possible. He has been having full sex at massage parlors for years. But even still, I think somehow I would find some messed up way to minimize it.

I asked my husband to move out about three weeks ago and it’s been really difficult on my oldest son who is 21. I feel like for me. It’s the right thing to do so that I can have some space and some clarity to make decisions about the future, but seeing how much my son is hurting, makes me wonder if I’m blowing things out of proportion and doing the wrong thing. It’s like I’m doubting everything and again trying to minimize and say oh it really wasn’t that bad compared to what other people are dealing with. But on an emotional level for me, it is really bad because not only has he been engaged in sexual behavior with other people for what I think is years, he’s also been neglecting me for a long time and making me feel bad about myself. So I’m at this crossroads of trying to figure out what I want to do ….to stay or to leave ….but I don’t think I’m doing myself any favors by continually minimizing what he has done. It’s like I can’t see the actual damage and the gravity of what he’s done. I can’t even get that angry for some reason.

My friends and family are appalled and more upset than I am. What is wrong with me that I keep minimizing everything? I think even if he’d had an affair, I might still feel this way and I question what is wrong with me that I’m responding like this? Is it because I’ve dealt with this for a long time, living like roommates and pretty much no affection in the relationship and maybe I just feel numb to it all? Like I’m not angry because I don’t care that much. Like we haven’t had closeness or connection for so long that I don’t feel like our relationship has been devastated by this. I guess I’m more devastated and upset for my kids and what leaving will mean. But even still it doesn’t explain why I’ve minimized for years. I know this is something I can work out with my counselor, but just thought I’d ask if any of you have done or do the same thing in minimizing..

7 months since discovery, no relapses, CSAT, 12 step meetings, anxiety medication, open phone etc location tracking and over all doing all he can to recover.

The thing is even though we are staying together while he is in recovery (one relapse and I’m done) I see my future so differently. Before discovery we were planning to build a house after our property we are in now sells. Not anymore, he still wants to but not me. I want the money from this property divided and half each in our own accounts. I want to be tied to this man as little financially as possible.

If he has a relapse I want to be able to get away quickly and easily. Sadly he will always be a ticking time bomb in some ways. Even with all the recovery work, I still need to think of myself first and be fully aware that relapse is possible.

How are other spouses who stayed in the relationship with their sex addict feeling about your future together?

I’m a proud s anon member. I have been in recovery 6 months, along with my partner who has been in SAA 6 months. I have had one foot in one foot out of the relationship the whole time, as I’m sure many can relate to, until recently. I’ve seen a lot of progress and we have been able to have some difficult talks that eased my mind, so I finally decided to extend an olive branch an end our 6 month physical separation and trial living together recently. We are not sexually active.

During a long discussion about relational issues stemming prior to DDay, I asked him if he is even sure he wants to be with me. For the first time he said, “I don’t know”. I was floored. My intuition could tell he had changed, but I was hoping it was in my head.

I’m now awaiting our final decision talk on Friday. I feel almost certain he’s going to end it, because when we saw each other the last two time he didn’t kiss me which we usually give pecks the past few months while courting. He also referred to sleeping next to each other as past tense, even though it’s been less than a week. When I brought up the end of the abstinence period he sounded distraught instead of excited.

Well first off, what a hell of a journey this has been. My BF and I have been together for basically 8+ years (all long distance due to school/career). We broke up twice officially, but then got back together ultimately. Finally had plans to move in with each other next year but then I found out he cheated on me by dating other women on apps. At least, that’s what I first found out almost 3 months ago. 1 month ago I find out he actually had sex with multiple women over the past 3 years on top of going on several dates. I kept digging for more and more - turns out he lied about so much and now we are looking at a full on active sex addict. He has told me several times he doesn’t remember the full extent of every infidelity. And we went over sex addict definition and yep - we have a winner. He says he gets this feeling where he’s on autopilot and gets into these mindsets of being someone who can do anything he wants. He told me he likes the feeling of being wanted, his ego gets a boost, and he loves the dopamine hit. But then after, he is disgusted with himself and shame:guilt eat him alive. Basic addict.

Before finding out about the SA, we started talking to a couples therapist that works with infidelity. The thing is, it’s useless IMO because he just sits there and lies to her and me. He hasn’t been transparent and can barely look at the things he’s done to me. He’s obviously very remorseful and is constantly in shame/guilt about the things I’ve confronted him with. He’s also in IC who specializes in ADHD, childhood trauma, infidelity. But his IC is not CSAT officially.

I guess my main question is, we should stop the couples therapy right? I feel like right now it’s doing nothing. We just sit there and talk about my non negotiables that he can’t even complete because this is now an addiction we are dealing with. I have to make a whole new list it seems. I’m joining SAnon and then I also have my own betrayal trauma IC weekly.

I just wish someone could tell me that everything is going to be ok.

We've been together for almost 14yrs, a year and a half ago, following me having a major mental breakdown, he started seeing sex workers. The last time appears to have been in February this year.

Nothing like this has ever happened before. Other than way too much time watching porn (which i knew he did but discovered the extent of during disclosure) as far as I know prior to this he has been entirely faithful.

I love him so much, he's my whole world (not in an isolated codependent way) and I truly feel that he was going through he own kind of mental breakdown. That doesn't take away the hurt but it makes me hopeful that it is something he can prevent from happening again. Am I crazy? Is my man still there or have I been lied to for over a decade?

Am I going to regret trying to fix this?

I was so torn apart by this compulsive sexual behavior disorder that caused him to cheat all over me. He is now doing all the right things and giving it his all. Now the sight of him makes me cringe. He was naked getting into bed and I think I threw up in my mouth a bit. The thought of sex with him makes me gag. We had an incredible sex life previous to him getting busted and I could never get enough of him. Knowing he's had unprotected sex with so many women makes me physically ill and I don't think I could bring myself to touch him again. Now I see him as gross, dirty, contaminated. Like he held my hand and I felt the need to go wash them. I feel like I need to be doused in Lysol when he tries to hug me. I am looking at him in a completely different way. I once looked at him as my amazing, perfect, loving husband. Now he just looks like a walking virus and cesspool of bacteria. STI tests were all clean miraculously but the sight of him just creeps me out now. I thought he was a god, I thought he was the sexiest guy ever. Now he's not even remotely attractive and I find him completely repulsive.... not even out of anger or sadness. He just looks gross to me now. How do you ever get past that?

I (42m) write erotica for a living and made a friend on Reddit as a result. Before I ended it, she helped me think about stories and characters and changed my approach to writing.

Long story, but our connection was real and short lived, and I find myself thinking back to it from time to time.

It’s made me realize that my connection with my wife is lacking this kind of erotic depth and insight. I know this is dangerous territory, but the reality is that some people operate on the erotic wavelength, and some don’t.

My question: is this kind of online connection healthy? Or should I abandon it and go back to my ordinary life?

I'm almost 3 weeks out after learning of years of infidelity, mostly with random people and his details are fuzzy even when it would work in his favor, so I know he's being honest.

He's been doing all the right things above and beyond, hasn't blamed me, gave me open access to everything, put himself in therapy once I pointed out to him it could be a mental disorder. I can't stop attacking him. I can't stop the moments I lash out in anger and belittle him. One minute I'm supportive and encouraging the next I'm in a rage putting him down.

Last night he had the urge to text people and go do something. I was relieved he told me but devastated my amazing husband is next to me in bed telling me he is thinking about planning to see women.

How do I help my rage? I am in weekly therapy to begin intensive outpatient therapy this week. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I see he is a broken man who finally knows what's wrong and I'm struggling to see that sometimes through my own pain.

just found out my boyfriend has had only fans for the three year span we’ve been dating. i used his phone recently, and saw all the transactions - over $5,000 (easily) talking to these only fans creators, multiple of them, like they are his girlfriends, along with sending videos to them etc.

sure, porn. even though it is a boundary for me. on top of this, he admits he’s had a very long drug and alcohol addiction - he has been getting high, drunk, and emotionally cheating on me with girls on only fans.

our entire relationship he hasn’t had any money, now he’s in debt over this. i’ve supported him through everything, and he couldn’t tell me any of this. i feel sick, hurt, numb.

he said none of this was him… he has addiction issues. he’s booked in with a therapist and said he will never do it again but i just don’t know where to go from here. i thought i had my entire life to look forward to with him.

is change possible? am i naive for believing him/this was all out of his control?

DDay #3 now and I think this is it.

I think I’m done.

I’ve been trying to heal the past 3 months from this and I keep finding shit out.

I didn’t know someone could be a compulsive liar and cheater yet believe he could heal our relationship without telling me every single thing he did to destroy us. Me.

It never ends does it?

And now I think it’s more than cheating. We think it’s a sex addiction, how do I move forward?

My husband told me almost 48hrs ago that for a year and half (most recent being Feb this year) he has been seeing escorts and going to massage parlours. Around 15 times in all. I think he's told me everything, I made him make a list and I dug through every app on his phone.

I'm furious, I'm hurt and I'm embarrassed but mostly right now I don't want to shower. I don't want to be naked. I don't want him to think about me naked.

And part of me really does.

We've had a fairly dead bedroom because of me and there's a part of me that wants to take back my power with him, show him that I am still good enough.

Then I get disgusted with myself, I know that would be a horrible idea, and I want to shower even less.

UPDATE: I talked to my husband about how I was feeling, about the trauma he had piled on top of and a lot about my past. Some things he knew some things he didn't. I had a panic attack so violent I threw up and then I went to bed, still wrapped in my robe. Yesterday I woke up and I felt back to normal. I was able to shower, I walked around in my underwear while I tried to figure out what to wear, just the regular ease of being.

Partner wants more safeguards/guardrails after the last d day (3rd). He’s gotten a sponsor (was going to SAA but not working the steps and wants to now) and agreed to get rid of the lap top. We were already sharing location.
What monitoring apps are best for him? He has an android and I have an iPhone if that matters at all. Thanks in advance.

How could he do the things he did. How could he repeatedly sleep with each of these 10 women and come home and profess his undying love for. How could he perform oral sex on another woman, have sex with her and then come home and kiss me with the taste of her still on his lips. How can I ever be expected to believe that after years of lies he ever loved me at all?

Not that I ever would but I damn well want to.

I feel like he’s just got away with being a lying cheating prick for 10 years.

I feel like all the effort and sacrifices I made to be a good wife and partner was totally disrespected.

I feel like he’ll never fully understand and realise the total pain and heartache he has caused.

I feel like he’s treated not just me but all women badly by being such an objectifying creep.

Sometimes I just look at him and wonder how it is humanly possible to have been such a selfish, pathetic, coward of a man.

I have no respect for him at all and I feel like he stabbed me in the back for 10 years while I was devoting myself to him.

Somedays I just hate him!

Long story short - found out my boyfriend of 5 years was addicted to porn (spent $ to watch, onlyfans, texted people and escorts) in March.. I've been on r/loveafterporn since then.

Found out 3 days ago that he actually met up with people from Grindr and did sexual acts with them. Found this sub today.

I was willing to be around for therapy and him trying to get over the porn addiction but this exceeds what I can handle. I feel dirty, violated, disgusted, my reality is completely distorted (I am a woman and he never said anything about men/trans people). We had family plans, everything.

I am struggling with looking at him as the person I knew and then realizing that I never knew him. And I'm so... I don't even have the words. The messages, pictures I saw. He sent photos of himself, his body, videos that were sent to me as well.. nothing is sacred clearly, and I just cannot agree with the idea that he loves me despite those actions. It's just impossible. You don't do that to someone you love and care for...

How do you accept it's over? I find myself wanting to extend talking to him.. the idea of blocking him forever hurts me so badly. That was my person but I was not his. I am not ok.

How can I process this? It doesn't make sense.

I genuinely feel like I'm in another universe all of a sudden. The way it makes me feel is dangerous to my wellbeing. I just can't accept this is real.

The deception, the lies, the manipulation, the deceit. I look at him and he's not the man I thought I was married too, and never actually was. I always saw him as kind, caring, reliable and a man of his word. Now, I know that's not who he has been and I'm struggling to ever think I'll see him that way again.

The information about him I have now is not something I can just push aside. I understand addiction, but the lies. . . . . To be able to lie and hide and manipulate these men need to have a very good understanding of how they "should" be acting. They know what type of person we want and expect them to be and they knowingly put on a mask to be that man. They know what sort of man we have agreed to be in a relationship with and what sort of man we would not want to be with.

I think mostly it's about respect. I am not sure I will ever respect this man. He's weak, he's a coward and I know he's more than capable of lying without feeling and guilt about it.

I'd like to hear about how the "lying" part has changed your relationship and the way you feel in it.

Hi, everyone. I’m struggling a lot and I guess… looking for understanding. And hope, if you have some to spare.

A few weeks ago, I found out about my husband’s sex addiction as he was in chatrooms and reaching out to people online. Based on the content, I can tell he never actually met up with anyone, but it’s such a slippery slope and I feel so betrayed. It was all this ridiculous, cheap fantasy. I do have compassion for him… he had a terrible childhood and has had many traumatic events and injuries throughout his active duty military career… but I am SO broken and angry.

I am thinking about it constantly, and been having panic attacks almost every day. I just… want to feel better. I don’t want a divorce, and he is willing to do anything I ask… but it’s not like he initiated getting help until I found out. I don’t really trust anything anymore and the steps he took to cover it all up really bother me. I’ve scrolled through this sub, looking for hope, and I just feel more lost.

Does anyone have experience with their spouse/partner actually getting into and staying in recovery?

I’m sorry for being all over the place. Thanks for making it this far.💜

Me (21F) and my boyfriend (31M) have been together for 3 years. I never knew about his porn addiction. He had mentioned he used to watch it but he stopped since we were together. Fast forward 2 years. We have a baby and I caught him jerking off in the bathroom as soon as he got home from work. He swore it was a one time slip and it wouldn’t happen again. And it was something he had struggled with in the past. I was broken. (And 6 months postpartum) I felt so betrayed. I’m a stay at home mom whose sole responsibility is to raise your child and you come home to do that. Anyways. We struggled with that and I never really got past it. I stopped brining it up. I checked his phone periodically. And left it at that. I tried not to make my inability to get past it continue to affect our relationship. Well a couple days ago I checked his email and he has had random log ins into his twitter account. Constantly changing his password. Well I found that off bc he told me he didn’t use twitter anymore. I didn’t want to bring it up but I did end up mentioning it. I know I shouldn’t be going through his stuff because it’s an invasion of privacy and I’m just asking to find stuff but it’s just something so constant I think about every second of everyday and I can’t help but just CHECK. So turns out he’s been watching porn again for “about 3 months” but “not jerking off”. Just logging on. Watching it. Logging out. And deleting the app so I don’t see you still have it!!!! On top of other issues I think im out of energy to fix this. We went to our first therapy session and i don’t know. Is it worth the time??? Will I ever be able to trust him again??? Do the thoughts of “is he watching it” do they ever go away????? I know I need to leave. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has had ANY success in couples therapy. Or how it went.