r/lovewithaSexAddict

This has been a long-term issue in my marriage. Early on prior to us being married, but while I was pregnant, my husband was cheating on me with someone and I found out about it a year after we got married at that time I also uncovered that he regularly watch porn, used only fans, and even when is far as to look up the only fans of women we actually know in real life. That has all stopped however, last night I rediscovered on his computer that he was watching porn again and had messages in his unsent, but deleted folder and his email to women from YouTube asking them from videos or pictures outside of only fans. His reddit was also riddled with porn as well. I’m at my wits end because I complain frequently that we do not have sex often enough(roughly twice a month) this has been going on for 9 years and I’m not sure of this is worth fixing. He refuses to see a therapist and I just feel like this is hopeless. I don’t want to be a second choice or an after thought is that too much to ask? I would really love advice on what to do.

TL;dr husband has porn issue and I’m ready to call it quits.

D-day was basically a year ago (August 2025). We’ve been together 4 years. He was messaging SWs the first 3 years we were together. I only got proof of him meeting one in person (but given how many times he reached out + his “reviews” on Mr. Number, I fear there are probably more times that I don’t have proof on, but I’m digressing).

I think paying hookers/escorts for online services was his main way of satisfying his addiction. But since he lost his job back in (April 2025) I don’t think he has the means to pay for these services anymore (works part time at a gym now, but that barely gets him by). However since college (before we met), he has also technically been a pusher (I guess you can call that another “part-time job”), so we get party favors essentially for “free”. I also dabble in the community as I like to rave and party as well. Difference between us is that I know my limits and when to stop. I’ve asked him since the beginning of this year if he could try to do (coca cola) less, like to do it once a week rather than twice a week (we are pretty sociable people with plans every weekend). He never took my concerns or ask seriously and ended up almost od’ing on our 4 year anniversary (June 2026). He basically pulled an all nighter doing coca cola and was drinking for 21 hours straight (even after I had already called it a night and he was up alone). Anyway, he began having really scary symptoms and I ended up calling 911. Even after that all happened I asked him to be sober from coca cola for at least a month (not even long) and he couldn’t even last 3 weeks.

If you were me, would you see this as him overcompensating his sex addictions elsewhere? Or would you question if he can’t even handle his substance abuse, how on earth would you trust he’s handling his other sex addiction?

I do keep in mind being laid off from working at a big 4 company after 5 years and unable to find a job after a year a half can take a toll on someone, but while trying to navigate his so called sex addiction and then still have empathy for his almost OD… I don’t know how to feel or what to think. He doesn’t update me on his progress on his sex addiction, we honestly hardly talk about it. He also doesn’t like me bringing up my feelings/emotions on the matter either and tells me I keep bringing up the past.

I’m stuck thinking that if we weren’t dealing with him being unemployed for 18 months that things would be different. And I fear I am just making excuses for him, because even if he gets a job, are his addictions to these things ever going to go away? Once he gets a job and has money again, wouldn’t it be easy to revert back to paying for SW?

I was with a sex addict for 3 years and we recently broke up. Throughout our relationship, he shared his issues and went to therapy, but it just wasn't enough. The "ugly compulsive craving" as he called it and the thrill of pleasuring other people casually and more more more always won - he wouldn't cheat but he would breakup with me for fear of cheating on me. I'm sure there were also things I don't know about.

Anyway, all that's to say...I don't think I'm delusional (I'm actually painfully self aware, too much so sometimes) but I know 100% that we were in love. Neither of us had ever been in love (both had previous marriages that were stale and full of resentment) and our sex life was amazing. It was the first time we both felt so intimately and emotionally connected enough during sex to explore everything we could ever imagine, not just have casual hookups. But he still chooses casual meaningless sex over me? Someone he literally worshipped on all fronts.

My question is - how do you NOT take that personally? How do I get out of this mindset that - well, what I offered clearly wasn't good enough so you had to go find something elsewhere? He's consistently maintained that's not the case, it's a compulsion and habit ...that's it's just like choosing to drink if you're an alcoholic, even if the person you love asks you not to. But that feels so much less personal than... I'm choosing another body/bodies over you. Any help or reframing to make this less painful would be much appreciated. I don't post on Reddit really but I'm just feeling desperate.

My ex PA and I have had intermittent contact over the past month due to owning property together, shared pets, and sorting out belongings.

He has told me he is no longer attending meetings, been out drinking multiple times with his friends going home and punching holes in his drywall at 2 am, I saw in his new house copious amounts of empty alcohol containers and pizza boxes, not reading, watching ++ TV and working 60-72 hours/week. Claims he is still not watching porn but who knows.

I honestly feel like slapping him across the face. When dday first happened he was Mr. I'll do anything not to be sick, I'm doing this for myself to be a better man yadda yadda.

I do not want to be with him but I feel like he is this child that i have corraled for 7 years and i can see that he is completely spiraling. White knuckling, addiction swapping, completely stuck in shame. It makes me so angry that he blew up my entire effing life and now is just rotting away like a huge POS. Of course when i tried gently to let him know i think he is not well, he just brushes it off and says "everyone has a different vision of what doing well is, im working hard and focusing on my business." YET when i met him he said he had been working ++ overtime for years and going out drinking and he was lonely and wanted to settle down. My biggest nightmare is that he is so unintelligent that he will trick himself into believing i was the problem, drink and work heavily until he feels lonely, do absolutely no work and then do this same thing to another women. It truly causes me to lose sleep at night.

I have asked him to use my dad aa a middle man for contact because i know being in contact with him exacerbates my rage, (my dad knows every messy detail from his PA but also from my betrayal reactions early on including flipping our coffee table, having the police called on me etc etc), instead my ex wants us to use his friend, who knows nothing of the PA and only that my ex had to call the police on me. Additionally, my ex and his friend used to make fun of me via text message about being controlling, lame etc which i found when pain shopping early on and meanwhile my DAD asked my ex to reach out to him if he needed support because my dad felt sad that my ex was not comfortable to tell people or talk about the PA openly. It seems so selfish that my ex just refuses to face his PA at all its insane.

Am i crazy? How do people let go of the absolutely fury of these things? I feel like im talking to a 12 year old with ODD. He's a moron and it makes me feel furious. I just want to not care what he's doing but it's hard not to want to just grab him by the shoulders and shake him. I've considered telling one of his friends or his sister what has actually happened in hopes that they will step in to support him but i also worry that that seems vindictive and is again me picking up the slack for him.

EDIT to add that he was supposed to a disclosure post separation and the last time i asked he scoffed and said there's nothing you don't already know which we all know is a lie. i have come to terms now with the fact that getting a trash disclosure or finding out more will not help me in my journey forward so i don't want it anymore anyways but another infuriating moment in time post separation.

I've shared a lot in other places about my soon to be ex husband (written here and here). In quick summary, he paid 31+ escorts and cam girls over the course of 9 months after I gave birth, was doing cocaine, and was an alcoholic...all without me knowing.

I am in therapy and group therapy. I'm getting lots of mental help because the betrayal is beyond anything I could have ever expected, especially after I had already forgiven him for stuff 2 months and 6 months into marriage.

Despite the therapy, and despite final d-day brain back in March, my brain feels off. I haven't felt like myself in a while. Some days are good, but days like today, I remember how low he made me feel about myself. How he asked me to ask myself why my husband prefers prostitutes over me. I just feel so off somedays. I stare off into nothing, have a hard time holding conversations on a regular basis, and this is bad given the nature of my work requires a very sharp brain.

Today, despite telling him to no longer contact me, I sent two crying screaming voicemails and probably 20+ texts. He hasn't responded. He let me know he tried to apologize for all the betrayal but i was unwilling to accept his apologies (this is true, because he said sorry so many times...and still dealt with so many sex workers).

Saying sorry just is not enough for all of this. The nature of who he cheated with (sex workers) the sheer number (30+) the amount spent ($5000+) makes me sick every time i recall the details.

I just mentally no longer feel like myself. I was once a very chatty person, and now I prefer quiet. I was bubbly, and now I feel somber. I'm just so tired all the time.

He's not asking for much from the divorce, but I truly want nothing from him. I don't want child support. I don't want co-parenting. I just want him to leave me alone.I worry my brain will not get well again if I keep having to interact with him. I feel like i'm in a fog, or like i'm swimming through some thick molasses in my head. I zone out too easily. I ramble. I forget my words. My therapists say it's betrayal trauma PTSD, but I just want to get out of this fog.

My therapists, one being a Christian therapist and then the other being Christian wives of sex addicts group therapy, keep telling me that this can take years to get out of. Some people become physically ill and get autoimmune disorders, some women end up mentally ill and even end up in psych wards. The damage is that serious, so I thank God I'm not there, i'm not at that point, but I feel so off, and it's not getting better.

I feel my options in life have been limited. The good guys are snatched up already. The course of my life has changed. I am away from family and friends. I have very little community where I am. It's just very, very hard. The cruelty I received from him at the end of this has been too much, and despite some falsely earnest attempts by him to make things right, everything is too wrong.

​

So I met this guy as friends and then we went on a date. We made out and he told me pretty early on that he was a drug addict.

I was like okay… that's definitely something to process 💀

Anyway, he said he wanted something casual and I was fine with that. We ended up having sex and after that this man literally disappeared.

Like bro 😭 you told me you're a drug addict, you told me you don't want anything serious, but somehow the part where you disappear after sex was not mentioned in the terms and conditions???

I wasn't expecting a relationship or anything. I just find it funny that I got ghosted by someone who was already giving me enough red flags to start a parade.

Anyway, I'm Done with Casual Dating .

It's my husband... he did try last time he was in jail. He got out and was wonderful. We got married and months later started displaying all the same behaviors again. His drug abuse was intermittent rather then unhinged like before. So it was believable. I noticed he had a hookup app downloaded the month of our miscarriage. The day I left he instantly unblocked and began talking to the girl he cheated on me with while pregnant with our child. He also started drinking and using meth eratically and obviously. He went to jail 2 weeks later. I now have his phone. He downloaded tinder the day I left due to him making me and the kids homeless. He promised to repay me money but spent it on himself. And had about 3 girls he was trying to create a romantic obsession love with while trying to get back with me. I've sent him letters and proof to jail, he just has apologetic one liners and sometimes "im begging you to please let me change" im intellectually and physically out of his league, not full of myself its just the truth. I know he does love me in a twisted way. Has anybody been in this situation and had success?

Hola necesito su opinión

Hace una semana ví en el historial de Google del celular de mi novio videollamadas+18 y venta de contenido

Al principio negó todo pero después de insistir me dijo que sí lo había hecho, que siente que tiene un problema por ser abusado por su familia durante años cuando era niño

Que le hicieron normalizar ese tipo de conductas

(Actualmente tiene 23 años)

Nunca le contó a nadie ese problema

Pero me dijo que no me lo decía para justificar sus acciones

Al día siguiente tuvimos una conversación más a fondo sobre todas esas cosas, me dijo que estaba comprometido en cambiar porque le daba asco haber tenido esas conductas y en general su vida porque siente que no puede hacer nada bien

Así que empezó por ir a terapia y distraer su mente cuando tuviera esos impulsos

Hubo una época donde se quedó sin trabajo durante meses y no tenía dinero para pagar cosas básicas ni siquiera, y su familia no podía ayudarlo, debía muchas cosas y tenía deudas

Yo algunas veces lo apoyaba invitandolo a comer

Lo animaba a que buscara trabajo y no se fuera por vencido

Porque en ningún lado lo llamaban para la entrevista

También lo animaba para que siguiera estudiando y practicando

(Quiere ser compositor y toca el piano)

Y bueno, le dije que fueramos lento y que no tendríamos contacto físico de índole sexual por un buen rato hasta que dejara esa adicción y se redimiera por completo

Yo me quedé con la duda de saber si no había hecho videollamadas con otras mujeres o había tenido sexting

Así que le pregunté y me dijo que no, pero finalmente terminó diciéndome que sí, que había hecho eso en intercambiado fotos íntimas y había pagado por ello en páginas

Ahí tomé la decisión de terminar nuestra relación pero seguimos en contacto de vez en cuando

Teníamos casi 4 años y los primeros había sido una persona bastante afectiva y transparente, muy amable en general

Pero después de esa época cambió un tanto

Yo actualmente estoy tratando de alejarme de él, pero no sé si está siendo realmente sincero al decir que quería cambiar porque nunca había tenido la intención de hacerlo de verdad hasta hace unos días

Sus últimos mensajes han sido diciéndome que ya ah tratado de dejar esas cosas de lado y enfocarse en sus estudios

No me forzó o chantajeó para quedarme con él, de hecho me dijo que deberíamos terminar porque merezco a una mejor persona, que ya entendia el daño que me estaba haciendo y que si en el futuro coincidimos tal vez las cosas podrían ser diferentes para ambos

Y si no, me deseaba éxito en mi vida

Yo tengo la decisión de alejarme y seguir con mi vida, si llega a presentarse una oportunidad en algún momento de conocer a un buen hombre la boy a tomar, yo solo quiero confiar en lo que la vida tenga preparado para mí

Si estoy pendeja por tomar esas decisiones de en cierta parte creerle nada más díganmelo directamente JAJAJ

Porque yo siempre eh escuchado que una persona infiel no cambia

Sorry this is long..

They don’t understand how scary it is to wonder almost every if the life you’re living is a lie. To wonder if up really means up, if down really means down.

The acting behaviors are one thing but the lying, the manipulation, the gaslighting? That’s a whole different beast. THAT is what I’m terrified of. That is the part of my husband that makes me want to run and hide. Thinking about it makes me want to turn into a scared little girl that just wants to cry in my mom’s arms.

The years of manipulation destroyed whatever I had left of self trust because my SA wasn’t the first person to betray my trust. I had already took a big hit in high school when a long term best friend turned out to be lying about almost everything, that set the sage for my self doubt, when I started questioning my gut and started choosing to believe others instead of myself.

Anyway. My SA has had an increase in lying and defensiveness. The lying over stupid shit too, nothing major. He claims out of “fear” but it’s worse after he lies so make it make sense?? Then there has been a few instances of defensiveness, which up until now he’s never really had issues with. So of course alarm bells are going off. I’m pulling back, not having sex again, being short, just overall disengaging. So I asked to join a meeting with his CSAT, his CSAT agreed and we will be meeting this coming Monday.

Two nights ago he told me that he’s been feeling more guilty about his past actions. That he wonders where we would be if he didn’t mess up so bad, how happy we would be, etc. He says the guilt has been weighing on him recently. My thoughts? He’s full of shit because I haven’t had sex with him in weeks and he’s now being “vulnerable” maybe trying to get me to see that he’s “trying” and so I’ll have sex with him? Idk it’s weird timing in my opinion. Why is he only guilty when shit is going south?? Why is he never guilty when shit is going good?? Highly suspicious to me.

BUT to put the cherry on top. This morning I went to check his spam email (which I haven’t checked in a couple months because it’s been clean for a while) and it was filled in porn spam. So FML….

It hasn’t been that bad since he was acting out! His spam folder has been pretty clean, maybe he will get a random one every 3-6m, I’ll delete it and move on but my god, there was SO MUCH. So now again alarm bells are going off and again I’m wondering if he is acting out. He’s is saying he’s not (ha I’ve heard that before, haven’t we all) Ik the spam email isn’t the most reliable thing to go off of but to me I think there is a reg flag going on there.

I think there is something going on that he’s not telling me, I just don’t know what and I don’t have any evidence.

So yea. I fucking hate this shit.

D.day was about a week ago 3 weeks ago I had found messages and he was adamant it was only messages and he would stop he started going to therapy at that point but was still adamant it was only messaged then 2 weeks later I found really old messages so I kept pushing and he admitted he’d seen then before me and kept seeing them because his needs weren’t met (bj) he’s now going to therapy and AA. We have been together 1.8 years and living together. He’s telling me to give him one last shot that he can fix this. He’s admitted to 3-4 regulars 10-12 encounters but says he’s not sure. Is this too far gone?

Decided a week before our poly that I was walking away from the relationship due to a boundary violation.

I still want to go through with the disclosure. Has anyone else done this before? He said he doesn’t see the point in being vulnerable if I am walking away.

Long story “short”, there’s a woman at his work that makes me uncomfortable, and we had an agreement that he wouldn’t try to interact with her more than needed.

Well, turns out a week later he “suggested” to his boss that he should move to her office section, instead of the promotion they wanted to give him. This didn’t come out until later.

When I found out he was moving sections, I made a boundary that he would let me know of any close work he did with her, or lunch breaks taken together, so that I wasn’t feeling the need to ask at every work story. (There’s 15 people in the section).

Well, one week in and he failed to mention they started a project together, and have another one coming up until I asked. She’s now also texting him about work and asking for one on one training.

I ended the relationship after finding out he didn’t follow the boundary, and said I can’t do this to my mental health. Also, that he knew the office request would destroy our attempt at repair.

He said he didn’t know that, “because [he] thought we were stronger than that. And had way more trust than that, but apparently [he] was wrong.”

Is there some framework for how you're supposed to respond to acting out behaviors? Should we be withholding sex? What are you supposed to do if he's lying?

When I saw him the other night, I saw he started taking "Masculin-T"

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00G05FHLQ?lv=shuf&channelId=500&plpRedirect=mhFallback#averageCustomerReviewsAnchor

I asked why he was taking it and he said it was for more energy because coffee wasn't working anymore. The last time he saw me before that, he declined sex, saying he we needed to abstain for religious purposes. He said he hasn't been acting out lately.

When I saw him again last night I asked again about the Masculin-T, he said he bought it a few weeks ago because it was on clearance and he was curious and he wanted to see if it would make him last longer in bed with me when they were having sex together more often. But it wasn't sitting out on his table last time I was here?

Why did he change stories and is this legitimate?

I hope this is allowed. I was wondering if anyone actually wanted to talk one to one about this. I’m a partner I’ve just found out for the second time. I can’t leave.. I don’t really want to keep doing post etc but do feel like I need someone to talk to

After inhad a git feeling of something being "off" I started my fbi work which was exhausting. At first I found he had visited a strip club (i want to say not a "nice clean" one) he lied and denied until he couldn't. Then it was "only for an hour". He didn't get any dances , he was asked but said maybe later. He also couldn't remember if he ordered beer or a red bull. The feeling there was more kept me looking discovering (at least)about 3 years of a chinese brothel visits. He says he didnt go very often every 3 or 4 months. Amd it was always a hj with one of the same 2 prostitutes. (Wellnhe didn't call them prostitutes) he described them one was old but gave a good massage. (Pissed me off) what 10minute?) You didnt go for a massage so stop saying that!)apparently once she just took it out and started the "hj: without asking so he only tipped her $20 that day.(prices changed during different recounts or questionings) I found out she might not have been as grandma as he let on to be once I compared her to his mommas age. The other was described 'ugly" she offered fuk-efuk-e 2 times but he said no. Scared of disease. 🤦🏼‍♀️ supposedly neither had tits. I.alsmost defended them.like don't talk about them.now. He "always" took just the amount for the 30 mins (massage or room fee) and the tip. His location timeliness shows another place 30 mins he said he didn't go there...(his phone) it was on the way home so??

Them another where it looks as if he he just sat in the truck a few.mins and decided not to go in. He denied ans denied but later admitted. I want him to prove he didnt have sex with them or any other. He won't "really". But after I've went crazy. Moved out living in hotels left our son's with him.

. Now he's sorry he won't go there ever again. He loves me. He's stupid. He don't know why. We own a successful business so the difference between a hj and full service $ which was not a problem for him. He said i denied him sex he had to beg (sometimes true because we did not talk or share oir lives but you want tonpoke me at night time?) our relationship was rocky very stressful . He has a pattern of being caught trying to cheat although he claims he "NEVER" had sex with any of the women. Sometimes I want to believe him. Sometimes it makes me furious and disgusted and sick. The movie and images my brain makes yp to fill gaps has me a wreck. Sometimes I feel like fu*k him. I'm more than he can handle other times I'm I'm low self esteem and telling him he don't want me hes made it clear that I'm an ugly dumb ass.

But the hysterical bonding and his trickle truthing - has me so confused . So ugh... idk. I feel like I'm waiting g on him to show me change before I decide to rent or buy something more permanent. I hate this for my son's. I want my life back. I want to go home. I want to get In my big comfy bed. I want the man I though I knew. I WANT ME BACK. maybe these are growing pains. They hurt.. I'm tired. I staredting mid May searching. End of May found the strip club. MId June (17/18) D-Day

I tore up so much of our business property trucks and office and his bad ass new dually with one of one rims. He sent it off to be repaired. I do regret that now but at the time I was hurting g so bad and wanted to get to him where it hurts. His wallet, things he has worked hard for ar so proud of. But risked ALL OF IT FOR PROSTITUTES. 22 yeats together (14 married) hes Mexican now a resident close to citizen. Idont know to leave or stay I'm pulled both ways depending on the day. Its also scary. Can I make it alone? With 3 kids.

I realize living in the hotels. I've never lived alone. I don't want a divorce I also don't want to keep living like this. I know if I leave him he will jave someone else of she's just around for his money and Im like ugh ugh. . I cant compete with tiny Chinese women. I told him how would you feel if Id been cheating on you with at least 2 black men for 3 years? Or if i been secretly going and seeing at least 2 men for 3 years but they just fingered me until I orgasmed. That's all. I don't know their names.

I went over there on the women. They was so scared and denied him going there. Which made me.mad. but why would they admit. This is a somewhat hidden shithole. So je drive his big truck up in there looking like king daddy with no wife and kids but NEVER had any more money for more than a hj. WOW.

These places are right under our noses. I feel like telling women pay attention even if you don't think your man would... its fast easy and somewhat cheap. They are nasty and the things I have read in the reviews disgust me. I can hardly unsee or not see the places anymore as I drive down the street. Families being ruined and the men aren't the same. Seems like he can't enjoy sex with me maybe its me but IT makes me feel like he needs something else something more. Sometimes I basically make him let me jack him off (he said that and pu**y is basically the same. Get done the same so why pay more... ok . Sometimes I act like I'm one of them to see if he's really laying quiet and still whenever he cums. Or Idk weird shit like that trying to figure it all out... I need to either cheat good on him - or give this to God its way much for me. (Might do both./ might have already done the first 😉)not proud of it if I did.

I’ve been married for about 8 months and have several issues with my husbands internet content. For context it’s all explicit content on IG and Facebook for the most part. We have discussed this at length and I’ve told him I think he has an addiction and needs to work on it. He says his algorithm is like that and this stuff gets fed to him what is she supposed to do. It’s been a real pain point for me. He’s started changing his passwords and I’ve stopped looking at his phone but I can still tell he’s doing it by the way he changes the page when I walk in and how he will suspiciously go to the bathroom way more than before.

I’m hurt, I want to make my marriage work. Recently I saw his password and looked at his Instagram search ( he doesn’t know) he searched up a girl we saw at a party three months ago. And another girl. I’m not sure what to think. The OF and IG models hurt but this feels different…

He also went to pick up something from a medical clinic and wore his scrubs to do so when he didn’t have work… when I asked why he said he was dropping off his resume ( what kind of healthcare provider drops off printed resumes anymore?) I can’t help but think this is to show the person he’s picking up things from that he’s also a doctor to try and impress her or something.

Not sure how to approach this would love some advice. I’m heartbroken and lost. Talking to him ends up with him angry and deflective. Not sure if it’s how I’m approaching or talking. Anyone delt with anything similar? Other than divorce what are my options? He’s not open to therapy.

Don't know what to flair this.

I have been spending my nights up until early in the morning trying to find hidden accounts, log into emails, losing my sanity and health because I just know there's more somewhere.

I've been waking him up (we are long distance atm and have a big time difference) and feeling mean for it although I feel entitled to him being available to answer questions and/or console me since it's his fault we're here.

But yesterday, after doing it again, a bubble popped in my head and it's increasingly growing.. I cannot live like this. I am not happy, I won't be forgetting any of this, and since he's at the beginning of trying to get rid of the addiction and has already lied to me and his therapist, I know he is capable of pretending to do the work when he is not.

I believe in his desire to stop. I also know him and have been with him long enough to know he is avoidant and minimizes big things, lies, and omits.

I want a happy fall. I want to go on cozy dates wearing cute sweaters and receiving a boo basket from someone I know is true to me. I want to have no fear and no mistrust. I want good sleep and happy wake ups. I will not be getting these if I remain in contact with him. My fall will be a fall of sickness, worries, loneliness.

He suggested I stop speaking to him because he is bringing me on a rollercoaster I have no control over and no agency in, which is true. He said this in a very selfless way, as he'd rather we did speak, but feels terrible for the state of my mental health.

And today I'm feeling more and more like I really just should stop speaking to him, even though it saddens me and I worry he gets triggered from it. However I cannot continue living like this.

We can speak again of course, but I think I need a mental reset. I need to acknowledge the intense trauma I'm living as what it is rather than putting my pain to the side to support him and be empathetic.

Today, I feel closer to choosing myself and my well-being. I feel a bit less guilty for considering it.

I think I'll be ok ❤️‍🩹

Long post alert - sorry!

15 months post d-day. When I found out, I immediately kicked him out. We were traveling at the time, I came home without him and he never came back into the house. I told him I wanted a divorce and started meeting with a lawyer, got all the cars transfered into my name, etc.

I asked him why and he said he didn't know. He said he has these feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing and inadequacy that had started to build up over the last 7 years of our marriage and when they got really bad...he gave in and saw a prostitute.

We had been married for 15 years by that time but it was only the last 7 years. I asked what caused such intense, terrible feelings and why that particular thing was the temporary "fix" and he didn't know.

I told him if there was one thing he could do for me it would be to find out the "why". I needed to know. I know everyone says this but we had a strong marriage (crazy to say that, I know but outside of this one, terrible, horrible, unimaginable thing - we did).

So...he went to counseling. Actually, he immersed himself in counseling. Now, understand that he WAS NOT doing well - his two "worlds" had collided, and he imploded so the counseling wasn't just for me. He needed it too, but he threw himself into it. Started talk therapy with a CSAT who recommended EMDR, which he agreed to. He went to talk sessions once a week and EMDR once a week for several months and the he found out the "why".

He had buried sever sexual and physical abuse that happened to him from 3rd grade to 6th grade. It was a neighbor and it happed a lot - but, until EMDR, he didn't remember. I was skeptical about that for a long time but after meeting with a CSAT myself, I was assured that fully repressed memory is a thing and often surfaces during EMDR.

With help from his therapists, he figured out that his trigger was when his mom died in 2017. We went back to his childhood town for her funeral and during that trip, his aunt asked him if he was ever raped as a child. He said absolutely not and it was never brought up again but apparently, that started the crack in his vault and all of those terrible feelings started seeping out.

I am telling you all of this because I was 100% set on a divorce until I found out the why. It mattered to me. It doesn't excuse it at all, the man still made the choices, but it did explain it some. Once I found out the why, we started talking again, him and I. We talked via phone for a couple months and then at 11 months, I started weekly couples counseling with him. We have been going for 4 months now, and he just moved back in.

My family (especially my mom and brother) think I am crazy. They refuse to even come around and... maybe I am. Maybe the why shouldn't make a difference but it did to me.

There were other things as well - he never denied any of it, never allowed any "blame" to be placed on me by anyone, did a full disclosure (which was hard), sat down and talked to our grown children and told them everything and took everything that came his way from that with as much grace as possible, he never stopped counseling and... he has never made an excuse.

BUT he still did it. All of it. The cheating, the lying, the living a double life. He did it all...he could have made different choices...and still, the why matters to me. I can't help but wonder if the man would have made better choices if the boy hadn't been so severly hurt.

Does it matter to you or am I just being stupid?

We are 8.5 months since D-Day. Reconciling and he is doing well, I am too considering 8 months ago I couldn't see a way forward at all. I'm thinking more about myself now, my goals in life have changed somewhat since discovery. Before D-day I never pictured a life without him, I allow myself to do that now. Part of that is about becoming my own person, being more "ME" and less "US".

I know I've neglected myself somewhat in regard to my looks and my health. Nothing major but a selfish glow-up for me feels like something I am keen to focus on. Anyone else had feelings similar?