Decided a week before our poly that I was walking away from the relationship due to a boundary violation.
I still want to go through with the disclosure. Has anyone else done this before? He said he doesn’t see the point in being vulnerable if I am walking away.
Long story “short”, there’s a woman at his work that makes me uncomfortable, and we had an agreement that he wouldn’t try to interact with her more than needed.
Well, turns out a week later he “suggested” to his boss that he should move to her office section, instead of the promotion they wanted to give him. This didn’t come out until later.
When I found out he was moving sections, I made a boundary that he would let me know of any close work he did with her, or lunch breaks taken together, so that I wasn’t feeling the need to ask at every work story. (There’s 15 people in the section).
Well, one week in and he failed to mention they started a project together, and have another one coming up until I asked. She’s now also texting him about work and asking for one on one training.
I ended the relationship after finding out he didn’t follow the boundary, and said I can’t do this to my mental health. Also, that he knew the office request would destroy our attempt at repair.
He said he didn’t know that, “because [he] thought we were stronger than that. And had way more trust than that, but apparently [he] was wrong.”
For those of you that left, took time to process and heal, and started dating again…. How did you manage without feeling like you need to check their email before committing?
I felt completely blindsided during discovery with the AMPs, escorts, and secret phone.
I’m in therapy and S-anon, but I’m curious how I will ever trust someone without verifying they aren’t a total creep.
Due to a lot of loss in other areas surrounding my miscarriage, I hadn’t started grieving my daughter until a couple of weeks ago.
I was processing the passing of my soul dog while pregnant, and then was hospitalized due to blood loss from trying to handle the miscarriage on my own at home without any friends or family.
It took a couple of months for my blood count to get back up, and once it did I found out my fiance had been living a double life and cheating on me at massage parlors for years.
I’ve been in shock for the past seven months, and I feel like I’m just now coming out of it.
My baby is buried at my ex’s house, and he has the memorial tree. I so desperately want to be a mother again, and I feel very alone and isolated.
Just wanted to reach out for some support.
Hey yall. Just met with my SA partner, my CPTT, my partners CSAT and myself for a pre disclosure meeting.
My partner keeps swearing up and down that I know everything, and it was only hands at massage parlors. And he thinks he never used a dating site, and if he did, it was downloaded only for a mere second then deleted but never actually used. His CSAT is confident he’s telling the truth, and has told me everything. My partner hasn’t even finished the first draft of the disclosure, and it was originally due 3 weeks ago.
My gut, and my therapists gut, says otherwise. We are doing a poly alongside the disclosure.
What do you think? Is he fooling his CSAT and hoping to fool his poly?
TLDR; how to stay grounded in reality while being gaslit by the addict, and how to distinguish when we are in the wrong or if we actually are the ones with a personality disorder.
Like many of us, I was gaslit to believe that I was the sole problem in our communication. I understand that I’m not perfect and I, myself, have many issues and I contributed to a lot of the issues immediately after discovery. However, I have done a lot of work on myself and I’m doing a lot better with the help of s anon and two therapists. My CPTT recently gave us sexual communication exercises, which showed me that when he expressed anxieties or worries, he was able to express them clearly and was heard without a fight. When I expressed my anxieties, there was a huge fight that lasted a long time without fail. This pattern continued each, and every time. This was extremely eye-opening to me, because he has blamed me and said that this is exactly what I do, even though I clocked this pattern from the beginning of our relationship before sex addiction had come to the surface. I questioned my reality and had started to believe that I was the manipulator, the gaslighter, maybe even a narcissist.
Every time I ask him to take accountability for the hurts he causes (not supporting me during triggering events, not disclosing minor betrayals until I ask or discover them, and blaming other people for the repercussions of his addiction) he simply says “I take accountability”, yet does nothing else and then turns it on me and says I attack him, yell at him, and I’m the problem and need to take accountability. If I set a boundary and walk away or stop the conversation, I’m accused of being irrational and not listening.
He will send texts and it seems like he rewrites history, telling a completely different story than what happened… From my perspective, of course, and it’s very disorienting. Once I read them, I feel like I can’t remember what happened anymore. I think to myself “did I start attacking him? Did he really just express something I did that hurt him and I started yelling?” It really makes me question my own reality. Last night was the first time I put my phone away and didn’t respond so that I wouldn’t get confused.
I just don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be self-righteous thinking that I’m in the right if I really am the manipulator.
TLDR; how to stay grounded in reality while being gaslit by the addict, and how to distinguish when we are in the wrong or if we actually are the ones with a personality disorder.
My SA and I haven’t had sex in 6 months. He was doing his 90 day sobriety but had multiple slips with porn.
Now that it’s over, he said he’s anxious to resume sex, but keeps bargaining to move masterbation out of his inner circle. He also doesn’t want us moving back in together. I’m 90% sure he’s doing it (masterbation) already, which is why he doesn’t mind keeping our bedroom dead.
I’m annoyed. I’m exhausted. I’m sick of explaining things.
Edited for clarity and typos.
Tw: miscarriage; prostitution; infidelity; infertility
Today I finally got in to se my OBGYN for was was originally a long awaited follow up for my 2nd trimester miscarriage in September of last year, which also turned into a trigger for betrayal trauma because the constant cramping is more likely to be an infection my partner passed from his philandering and less likely to be the emergency surgery.
I knew it wouldn’t be a fun appointment, but I didn’t expect to feel so triggered. As I had to tell 4 different people about my daughter, and the STD exposure from SWs I felt so vulnerable. Half of which I was completely naked for. The swabbing was super painful, which is another reason why I needed to be seen. I have extreme sharp pain on the anterior vaginal wall.
My partner didn’t check in with me knowing I had to drive an hour for this appt, and “didn’t check” his phone when I texted him saying how vulnerable I felt. He was out eating lunch with a friend and then driving around getting out and walking into multiple stops, and using CarPlay. Then just sent a quick text an hour later that he’s “sorry to hear it’s so vulnerable”.
I was sitting in the parking lot of the hospital crying. I asked him to call and check in, which of course just made it all worse because he couldn’t support me in the ways I needed. I got a half ass apology, ended up having him raise his voice at me for 20 minutes while I cried. And then it clicked. I don’t deserve any of this. Especially not on a day like today. ESPECIALLY when he couldn’t even do the bare minimum to show up for me and check his phone or send a “thinking of you, I’ll check in later” text.
Just needed to scream into the abyss. We don’t deserve this.
I’m a proud s anon member. I have been in recovery 6 months, along with my partner who has been in SAA 6 months. I have had one foot in one foot out of the relationship the whole time, as I’m sure many can relate to, until recently. I’ve seen a lot of progress and we have been able to have some difficult talks that eased my mind, so I finally decided to extend an olive branch an end our 6 month physical separation and trial living together recently. We are not sexually active.
During a long discussion about relational issues stemming prior to DDay, I asked him if he is even sure he wants to be with me. For the first time he said, “I don’t know”. I was floored. My intuition could tell he had changed, but I was hoping it was in my head.
I’m now awaiting our final decision talk on Friday. I feel almost certain he’s going to end it, because when we saw each other the last two time he didn’t kiss me which we usually give pecks the past few months while courting. He also referred to sleeping next to each other as past tense, even though it’s been less than a week. When I brought up the end of the abstinence period he sounded distraught instead of excited.
They call them massages, we call them brothels. Moving on…
Is it ever really just hands?
It went from fully dressed mechanical HJs, to now after his first disclosure letter they took tops off occasionally and put his hands on her butt but he “always moved them away”.
In the heat of the moment, how are these men, these addicts** **saying no to a mouth or vaginal penetration when offered? Why risk it all for a hand?
My Q confirmed 12 visits over the course of 8 months, with at least half resulting in HEs.
So my Q has still managed to o at least 3 times during his supposed 90 day abstinence. One was PMO, one was “accidental” on my leg 🙄, other was apparently just M.
This restarted the 90 days right? This is so frustrating that he just does that every 3 weeks now and the time get pushed further and further back. I have one foot in one foot out, and I feel like for my healing I need to see if we can by physically intimate again. We don’t hysterical bond, and I had pregnancy then miscarriage complications in the months leading up to D-day so it was far and few between, and not enjoyable for me. (That’s its own issue, I know).
How would you guys work through this? I don’t want to mess up his brain rewiring, but this feels a little counterproductive for me.
After a new discovery and denial about a month ago, I created a boundary of limited contact for 30 days (2 check ins, living separately, no texting) due to the lying.
I have requested a disclosure by the end of the break, and said if there isn’t anything new included then I will not accept it and will end the relationship. He agreed to this and a poly.
I’m halfway through and anxiously waiting for it. I’m less anxious about what it contains, since I know more than he knows I do, but rather anxious if he is actually going to disclose the big stuff.
I guess I’m just venting. I’m in s anon and ic with a therapist for ‘unrelated’ trauma and seeing a CPTT next week. Doing step work and trying to focus on me, but it’s been hard after our 1st check in. I’m anxious. I’m angry. I’m impatient.
It’s been 4 months so he’s still in the bargaining phase, and changes the rules of his 90 days abstinence to fit what he wants to do essentially. He DARVO-ed again at check in which is what ultimately caused the break in the first place.