u/PsychologyMassive392

TLDR; remind me that I’m smart and strong for leaving a bad man and/or that his final pleas for forgiveness should pause my plans to divorce him. I would prefer to hear your stories of dealing with a suddenly “sorry” spouse

Long story short, three months ago I found out my husband of 2.5 years cheated on me with over 31 cam girls during the first 9 months of our child’s life, and now, very likely had in person meet ups with escorts (full story of his serial infidelity here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Christianmarriage/comments/1t8u2sx/husband_cheated_with_over_31_escorts/) and was also seeking hard drugs like cocaine…but supposedly didn’t get any…

I just had a baby a little over a year ago. This hot mess is I already forgave him for cheating on me 6 months into the marriage.

I now have a new awesome place, and will move in a few weeks. I also have put our child into full time day care (I work full time but put our kid in part time care to help us save money…money (3~4k of which was spent on cam girls and escorts). I plan on leaving (in a few weeks) and divorcing him.

A few nights ago, after a fight in which he called me evil and wicked because I unearthed that he was still clicking on links for cam girls as of a week ago, he left the house. As of today, he has messaged me how sorry he is. That he wants his family together. That he takes full responsibility for his cheating (he blamed me and at one point during a heated argument a month or two ago even told me to figure out why my husband would prefer prosititues over me…). He has a friend who threatened my life last night because I asked him a few days ago to encourage marital integrity in his friend (my husband) because they had been swapping sexual jokes/ memes in their private chat. My husband decided not to defend me and told me i messaged his friend so this is the result. But again, today, he’s remorseful. He wants to have his family again.

Okay, the question: I need to hear stories from y’all about how stupid it would be to take this man back OR stories of how after being so horrible of a husband, a ma can turn his life around.

The small flutter of hope rose in my chest (we have a one year old, own a home, and I’m a lover girl. I love being married…but not to him at this moment) , but then I replayed the recording I took of him cussing me out and yelling that I’ve been sleeping around (dearest gentle reader, I am not the type to sleep around…I think he’s projecting). I’ve actually been scared enough that I’ve hidden the gun in our home (he’d never hit or touched me before, but I know that a man who isn’t sleeping and is under stress can snap) and I lock all the interior doors just to be extra safe in case he comes back in the house before I move out.

Cheating , infidelity , and marriage as a cross to carry

My husband paid over 3-4k on over 31 online cam girls and digital escorts (amongst many other terrible things, e.g, even finding women who live a few minutes from our house… but he claims he never met up with them). We’ve been married for less than 3 years and have a one year old.

Our family priest , who has been working with us for almost 3 months in this issue, states that his sin and this marriage might be a cross for me to carry. That the fact God showed me his sin might be because God wanted me to help him with his edification process.

Biblically speaking, is any of this valid? Would God want me to stay with a man who cheated on me 6 months into marriage (chatting with women in person and making plans to meet up again) and who dealt with digital escorts and alcoholism almost immediately after I gave birth? Is there any Biblical standing for what our priest told me?

He had already gone to confession 24 hours before God revealed to me step-by-step how to find everything. He feels that his repentance to God is enough, and my request for access to credit cards, his phone, and his social media is a sign of me trying to control him. He says God has forgiven him so he will not allow me to make him feel shame.

He had been a follower of Christ his whole life, and when we were dating, he was even someone who convicted me to do better in my faith and to read scripture even more (we did sooo many Bible studies together). This is not a man who could’ve been considered an atheist or an unbeliever. He was one of the youngest members of their churches council frequently did readings at church participate in activities as an events and even supports with communion. He’s also one of the people working on a multi year rosary Congress occurring throughout Latin America and Africa. So his behavior, which he says came about because he was lonely because I had just given birth, is horrid. He was praying for us and anointing our head with oil in the morning…hours after he had been on calls with these online prostitutes .

Cheating , infidelity , and marriage as a cross to carry

My husband paid over 3-4k on over 31 online cam girls and digital escorts (amongst many other terrible things, e.g, even finding women who live a few minutes from our house… but he claims he never met up with them). We’ve been married for less than 3 years and have a one year old.

Our family priest , who has been working with us for almost 3 months in this issue, states that his sin and this marriage might be a cross for me to carry. That the fact God showed me his sin might be because God wanted me to help him with his edification process.

Biblically speaking, is any of this valid? Would God want me to stay with a man who cheated on me 6 months into marriage (chatting with women in person and making plans to meet up again) and who dealt with digital escorts and alcoholism almost immediately after I gave birth? Is there any Biblical standing for what our priest told me?

He had already gone to confession 24 hours before God revealed to me step-by-step how to find everything. He feels that his repentance to God is enough, and my request for access to credit cards, his phone, and his social media is a sign of me trying to control him. He says God has forgiven him so he will not allow me to make him feel shame.

He had been a follower of Christ his whole life, and when we were dating, he was even someone who convicted me to do better in my faith and to read scripture even more (we did sooo many Bible studies together). This is not a man who could’ve been considered an atheist or an unbeliever. He was one of the youngest members of their churches council frequently did readings at church participate in activities as an events and even supports with communion. He’s also one of the people working on a multi year rosary Congress occurring throughout Latin America and Africa. So his behavior, which he says came about because he was lonely because I had just given birth, is horrid. He was praying for us and anointing our head with oil in the morning…hours after he had been on calls with these online prostitutes .

He has also spent the past three months, blaming me telling me to see my part and all of this and creating lies about me to his family and close friends… and then saying he never said such things. For example, on Mother’s Day, his brother called me and asked me how I was and I told his brother what was happening. His brother said he didn’t know that this was going on and as I was telling his brother all that has happened my husband started yelling out that I’m lying and not telling the truth. As recently as a week ago he said that they weren’t prostitutes that they’re just women …. He will apologize and say sorry and that he wants to stay married and to work on the marriage, but then he’ll also do stuff like that.

My husband paid over 3-4k on over 31 online cam girls and digital escorts (amongst many other terrible things, e.g, even finding women who live a few minutes from our house… but he claims he never met up with them). We’ve been married for less than 3 years and have a one year old.

Our family priest , who has been working with us for almost 3 months in this issue, states that his sin and this marriage might be a cross for me to carry. That the fact God showed me his sin might be because God wanted me to help him with his edification process.

Biblically speaking, is any of this valid? Would God want me to stay with a man who cheated on me 6 months into marriage (chatting with women in person and making plans to meet up again) and who dealt with digital escorts and alcoholism almost immediately after I gave birth? Is there any Biblical standing for what our priest told me?

He had already gone to confession 24 hours before God revealed to me step-by-step how to find everything. He feels that his repentance to God is enough, and my request for access to credit cards, his phone, and his social media is a sign of me trying to control him. He says God has forgiven him so he will not allow me to make him feel shame.

He had been a follower of Christ his whole life, and when we were dating, he was even someone who convicted me to do better in my faith and to read scripture even more (we did sooo many Bible studies together). This is not a man who could’ve been considered an atheist or an unbeliever. He was one of the youngest members of their churches council frequently did readings at church participate in activities as an events and even supports with communion. He’s also one of the people working on a multi year rosary Congress occurring throughout Latin America and Africa. So his behavior, which he says came about because he was lonely because I had just given birth, is horrid. He was praying for us and anointing our head with oil in the morning…hours after he had been on calls with these online prostitutes .

He has also spent the past three months, blaming me telling me to see my part and all of this and creating lies about me to his family and close friends… and then saying he never said such things. For example, on Mother’s Day, his brother called me and asked me how I was and I told his brother what was happening. His brother said he didn’t know that this was going on and as I was telling his brother all that has happened my husband started yelling out that I’m lying and not telling the truth. As recently as a week ago he said that they weren’t prostitutes that they’re just women …. He will apologize and say sorry and that he wants to stay married and to work on the marriage, but then he’ll also do stuff like that.

I’m the one who posted a week ago about her husband paying over 3-4k on cam girls/ digital escorts and alcohol.

I appreciate the responses you’ve all given me. All my pastors (from my childhood church to the church I attend as an adult, to family members who are clergy etc) have asked me to keep trying. To stick it out. To pray for him. That I might be part of his edification process. That God can change him and I should pray, show grace, understand he may understand things differently, etc.

I am too scared to do that. I’m only 31. We haven’t even been married for 3 years. I truly want to cut my loss here and not worry about a sunk cost fallacy.

But I’m deeply scared. I’m scared to raise a toddler on my own. I’m scared and ashamed of how I know other Christians will judge me. I feel a deep shame even though I did nothing wrong.

I’m scared to have to co-parent with him forever. I’m scared that if I leave, I would’ve missed out on him changing. I’m scared that if I stay I’ll miss my next blessing.

I’m scared he’ll be destitute if I leave. We share my car (bought before marriage). I carry the whole family on my health insurance. If I leave, he can’t afford bills, child support, and our house. He would need to get a car because I’m taking mine. I feel terrible, that despite the evil he’s done to me, I don’t want him to struggle too.

I’m scared for my daughter to grow up in a single parent household.

I’m an academic and doctor/phd , and I know that if this goes through, I want to head back to where my family lives, but I would have to give up my career and do something new (very niche and openings don’t happen all the time). I spent over a decade in training…just to throw it away because a man ruined my life with his serial lust?

I had two pastors, one who knows him quite well, seriously inquire if he might be mentally ill. As in bipolar of schizophrenia. I’m not too sure, I actually doubt it, but they all say this is too much and all too crazy and too intense and too sudden for it to be just a bad man doing bad things.

It all just hurts so much. I’m just so scared. The fear is paralyzing me.

He has suddenly become kind. Back to the guy I married at the start. But now I know for a fact he wears a mask, so I do not trust this kindness. There’s no more yelling as long as I don’t press too much. He’s back to praying and all his sermons even more than ever, but he was doing that while also paying over 31 cam girls. I see it all as a farce.

I’m just so scared. I don’t know what to do. One of my pastors said that’s nobody will tell me to leave my marriage. Only I know what’s happening to me in it, so only I can make a decision.

My parents are willing to support me to leave (they are Christian, marriage counselors, and have a heart for reconciliation) but after my mother saw how he abandoned me after a surgery and staid out at night and told me he doesn’t care and wants to go out, my mom realized this isn’t someone I can stay married to. She was pushing for reconciliation for 2 months until she witnessed how he cared more for himself and his social world than for me (he said “your butt insert the swear word version doesn’t look sick to me” despite the fact I was bent over, can’t lift our own child, and had wounds still from the surgery…)

Again, just scared. Just scared to be doing this alone. The house is calm again. Our kid is playing and talkative again, but I don’t trust this man anymore. He still won’t give me access of his phone or credit cards. I was able to get into his phone, and there’s nothing horrid there, so I don’t know why he just won’t share. He’s told me I haven’t eared the right. That’s Ive broken his trust for my anger at his infidelity. There’s no trust. No trust.

Edited to add: when this was all discovered, he instantly gave me access to two of the main credit cards. The third was one I forgot existed, and he suddenly remembered d bad things may be on there too (I wanted us to work on our finances, which is why it came up). Because I reacted so poorly to the first two cards, that’s why he refused to let me see the other. He don’t like giving his phone because I always ask questions (who is this, what screenshot is that, etc)

I see no evidence he’s still doing this (talking to cam girls) our pastor in convo with me said he did this because he was lonely (I just had a baby) , so are there things we can all implement to help him with his longlines… this is a good thought but a better man wouldn’t turn to cam girl and digital escorts and alcohol and drugs out of loneliness …

If you click my profile, you can see my post history. My husband paid over 31+ cam girls (escorts specifically of Twitter/X) during the first almost year of our child’s birth.

He claims a few things:

1. he was just talking with them. He was curious and just talked . Here’s the thing, I know the sell themselves on Twitter /X , and I find that hard to believe although “just talking” is in line with his personality type (really needs affection and attention)

2. he states he had quit this and repented and deleted accounts before I found out. This is true. He did delete the secret Twitter/Xaccounts and secret emails and CashApp account about a week prior and had repented at church about 24-48 hours prior to me finding out.

I am having some difficulty with all this, and I want to know, specifically from those that do this stuff (but anyone really) if it’s actually possible to just talk with cam girls and never have it escalate sexually online or turn into a real life behavior?

Basically, I’m trying to see if this is a dopamine hit gone wrong or the extension of a major character flag? I’m deciding if this is something I can stick out and work with him on or if the sheer number of cam girls he paid and the 1000s$x4 he spent is a sign he’s too far gone.

(Editing to add he emotionally cheated for like a day or two in person and continued through a few texts with a girl he met at club when we had only been married for 6 months; he also has low moral boundaries and was taking inappropriate photos for a female friends Instagram when their friend group thing out. He was deeply remorseful for this and we made it though

Although he says sorry for the cam girls, he has difficulty taking accountability with family and friends and sometimes smears me and blamed me, which is wild, but then later apologizes, and then repeats it. He also flip flops on if they are prostitutes or just women he talked with…

He shared I was mean postpartum (and he needed people to talk with and this is what he chose …he was even begging some to FaceTime him on Valentine’s Day…but I got a card and a balloon and that’s it… he says he’s a prize too and i should’ve done stuff for him too, which, sure, ok, but it’s not an excuse… We are now 3 years married with a 1 year old )

Husband Cheated with over 31 escorts he found on Twitter and online

Is this marriage redeemable at all?

My husband cheated on me 6 months into marriage. I texted the girl, and she said they never did anything because they had just met. He was repentant. We had therapy. I forgave. We moved.

We’ve now been married for 3 years. We have a toddler now, a little over a year old, and I discovered for the first 9 months of her life he was cheating on me with online escorts. Paying them over 4k (as much I could find) for their FaceTime services. Before this, I had seen him looking up escorts on his phone and he told me someone at a bar mentioned it and he looked it up out of curiosity. I also know he was driving around trying to meet some in order to score cocain , but none of them picked up his calls.

Since this discovery, he said sorry. I spent over a week on anger and yelling (slapped him twice, insulted him up down and sideways.. all of which I apologies for to him and to God) . I then spent a few weeks in crazy intensive prayers. Then weeks in shrieking sobs. He keeps asking me to see my part in all of this. Therapy has taught him to rephrase this to say that things I did before his betrayal hurt him. I see this as nonsense. I had given birth. Within 2 weeks of the child being born, he was guzzling alcohol. I don’t grow up around anyone that drank, so I did not recognize the alcoholism. I simply and foolishly thought he was sick. Then he started looking up escorts. When I cried, he said it was an evil spirit he would pray out of me. When I wanted to be alone he pulled me back to the room (which I appreciated), but he also frequently refused to even call the women prosititues. Which is insane to me.

This is a man who prayed and read his Bible everyday. He annotated my head and our child’s head with oil. And he did this.

Admittedly, post partum i was out of it. I started brining up divorce, saying I was discontent, saying I feel I should have waited longer and married a different (but not anyone specific ) man. This was wrong of me; but I now see it as my spirit knowing something was horribly wrong. I started therapy 4 months after giving birth to deal with post partum anxiety, but he was doing this within weeks of me giving birth. He had gone to pray and confess to a pastor of ours legitimately 24 hours before God gave me Step by step directions on how to find everything. He keeps saying he repented to God and that should be enough. He keeps saying that he’s doing everything (occasionally feeding me, trying to have sec with me which I obviously reject, trying to be nice) but that’s not true.

I had a pretty serious surgery this week. Instead of coming home after work, he has been out until 8 pm every night having time for himself. Saying he needs time for him. He dropped me off at home after the surgery and was gone about half an hour later. I asked him to be around as a sign of care. He said no. I told him I can’t keep caring about his feelings. He needs to care about me. Over 20 times within minutes he yelled at me that he doesn’t care about me; that he will sign paperwork so I can keep my child; he’ll sign divorce paperwork etc. it’s crazy to me he threw away a marriage and a newborn for online cam girls. He keeps making appointments with people and church family telling them it’s crazy. Sharing that I don’t know the power of my tongue. Telling them (and his own parents) only half the truth. I see the way he discarded me this week as a sign the marriage is over.

. Yet, this is the crazy part, he says he’ll never ask me to divorce him. He sees us growing old together ; that he loves me; and that if I want a divorce it’s my choice.

I think something is deeply wrong with him. I no longer plan to continue in the marriage. We have marriage therapy, and I’ll attend, but I don’t have any real hope for redemption months after this all came out.

He also told me the hospital lost his STD paperwork which fees like a crazy lie this day and age. They’ve lost it for over 3 months?! I know he’s lying and that the marriage has been a lie. I feel that he deceived me, and I don’t know what for.

The house has been a hostile space. Our child is becoming quiet. Just a few days ago during an argument he ripped his glasses off his face and tossed them down the stairs. Earlier this week during a confrontation in our neighborhood sidewalk he yelled out “I love (garden tools)”… he doesn’t remember even saying this.

I can’t believe this is my life.

Is there anything I can do to salvage this? My therapist keeps saying I can’t and only he can put in the work, but I can’t believe my whole life will implode and I have no choice.

Husband Cheated with over 31 escorts

Is this marriage redeemable at all?

My husband cheated on me 6 months into marriage. I texted the girl, and she said they never did anything because they had just met. He was repentant. We had therapy. I forgave. We moved.

We’ve now been married for 3 years. We have a toddler now, a little over a year old, and I discovered for the first 9 months of her life he was cheating on me with online escorts. Paying them over 4k (as much I could find) for their FaceTime services. Before this, I had seen him looking up escorts on his phone and he told me someone at a bar mentioned it and he looked it up out of curiosity. I also know he was driving around trying to meet some in order to score cocain , but none of them picked up his calls.

Since this discovery, he said sorry. I spent over a week on anger and yelling (slapped him twice, insulted him up down and sideways.. all of which I apologies for to him and to God) . I then spent a few weeks in crazy intensive prayers. Then weeks in shrieking sobs. He keeps asking me to see my part in all of this. Therapy has taught him to rephrase this to say that things I did before his betrayal hurt him. I see this as nonsense. I had given birth. Within 2 weeks of the child being born, he was guzzling alcohol. I don’t grow up around anyone that drank, so I did not recognize the alcoholism. I simply and foolishly thought he was sick. Then he started looking up escorts. When I cried, he said it was an evil spirit he would pray out of me. When I wanted to be alone he pulled me back to the room (which I appreciated), but he also frequently refused to even call the women prosititues. Which is insane to me.

This is a man who prayed and read his Bible everyday. He annotated my head and our child’s head with oil. And he did this.

Admittedly, post partum i was out of it. I started brining up divorce, saying I was discontent, saying I feel I should have waited longer and married a different (but not anyone specific ) man. This was wrong of me; but I now see it as my spirit knowing something was horribly wrong. I started therapy 4 months after giving birth to deal with post partum anxiety, but he was doing this within weeks of me giving birth. He had gone to pray and confess to a pastor of ours legitimately 24 hours before God gave me Step by step directions on how to find everything. He keeps saying he repented to God and that should be enough. He keeps saying that he’s doing everything (occasionally feeding me, trying to have sec with me which I obviously reject, trying to be nice) but that’s not true.

I had a pretty serious surgery this week. Instead of coming home after work, he has been out until 8 pm every night having time for himself. Saying he needs time for him. He dropped me off at home after the surgery and was gone about half an hour later. I asked him to be around as a sign of care. He said no. I told him I can’t keep caring about his feelings. He needs to care about me. Over 20 times within minutes he yelled at me that he doesn’t care about me; that he will sign paperwork so I can keep my child; he’ll sign divorce paperwork etc. it’s crazy to me he threw away a marriage and a newborn for online cam girls. He keeps making appointments with people and church family telling them it’s crazy. Sharing that I don’t know the power of my tongue. Telling them (and his own parents) only half the truth. I see the way he discarded me this week as a sign the marriage is over.

. Yet, this is the crazy part, he says he’ll never ask me to divorce him. He sees us growing old together ; that he loves me; and that if I want a divorce it’s my choice.

I think something is deeply wrong with him. I no longer plan to continue in the marriage. We have marriage therapy, and I’ll attend, but I don’t have any real hope for redemption months after this all came out.

He also told me the hospital lost his STD paperwork which fees like a crazy lie this day and age. They’ve lost it for over 3 months?! I know he’s lying and that the marriage has been a lie. I feel that he deceived me, and I don’t know what for.

Is this marriage redeemable at all?

My husband cheated on me 6 months into marriage. I texted the girl, and she said they never did anything because they had just met. He was repentant. We had therapy. I forgave. We moved.

We’ve now been married for 3 years. We have a toddler now, a little over a year old, and I discovered for the first 9 months of her life he was cheating on me with online escorts. Paying them over 4k (as much I could find) for their FaceTime services. Before this, I had seen him looking up escorts on his phone and he told me someone at a bar mentioned it and he looked it up out of curiosity. I also know he was driving around trying to meet some in order to score cocain , but none of them picked up his calls.

Since this discovery, he said sorry. I spent over a week on anger and yelling (slapped him twice, insulted him up down and sideways.. all of which I apologies for to him and to God) . I then spent a few weeks in crazy intensive prayers. Then weeks in shrieking sobs. He keeps asking me to see my part in all of this. Therapy has taught him to rephrase this to say that things I did before his betrayal hurt him. I see this as nonsense. I had given birth. Within 2 weeks of the child being born, he was guzzling alcohol. I don’t grow up around anyone that drank, so I did not recognize the alcoholism. I simply and foolishly thought he was sick. Then he started looking up escorts. When I cried, he said it was an evil spirit he would pray out of me. When I wanted to be alone he pulled me back to the room (which I appreciated), but he also frequently refused to even call the women prosititues. Which is insane to me.

This is a man who prayed and read his Bible everyday. He annotated my head and our child’s head with oil. And he did this.

Admittedly, post partum i was out of it. I started brining up divorce, saying I was discontent, saying I feel I should have waited longer and married a different (but not anyone specific ) man. This was wrong of me; but I now see it as my spirit knowing something was horribly wrong. I started therapy 4 months after giving birth to deal with post partum anxiety, but he was doing this within weeks of me giving birth. He had gone to pray and confess to a pastor of ours legitimately 24 hours before God gave me Step by step directions on how to find everything. He keeps saying he repented to God and that should be enough. He keeps saying that he’s doing everything (occasionally feeding me, trying to have sec with me which I obviously reject, trying to be nice) but that’s not true.

I had a pretty serious surgery this week. Instead of coming home after work, he has been out until 8 pm every night having time for himself. Saying he needs time for him. He dropped me off at home after the surgery and was gone about half an hour later. I asked him to be around as a sign of care. He said no. I told him I can’t keep caring about his feelings. He needs to care about me. Over 20 times within minutes he yelled at me that he doesn’t care about me; that he will sign paperwork so I can keep my child; he’ll sign divorce paperwork etc. it’s crazy to me he threw away a marriage and a newborn for online cam girls. He keeps making appointments with people and church family telling them it’s crazy. Sharing that I don’t know the power of my tongue. Telling them (and his own parents) only half the truth. I see the way he discarded me this week as a sign the marriage is over.

. Yet, this is the crazy part, he says he’ll never ask me to divorce him. He sees us growing old together ; that he loves me; and that if I want a divorce it’s my choice.

I think something is deeply wrong with him. I no longer plan to continue in the marriage. We have marriage therapy, and I’ll attend, but I don’t have any real hope for redemption months after this all came out.

He also told me the hospital lost his STD paperwork which fees like a crazy lie this day and age. They’ve lost it for over 3 months?! I know he’s lying and that the marriage has been a lie. I feel that he deceived me, and I don’t know what for.

He’s also watching sermons about errors and mistakes. But he’s liking posts on Instagram about how he’ll make his first millions once he has been betrayed by his family… it’s all just weird Also, editing to add, he was on Instagram sharing photos of busty curvy women with his friends for months. I’m actually disgusted by him.

Edit 2: the home has been toxic for months post this revelation. So much yelling. He even throws his own glasses to the ground in anger. Our child has started become quiet and I am scared of the damage this is doing to them.