u/PsychologyMassive392

I've shared a lot in other places about my soon to be ex husband (written here and here). In quick summary, he paid 31+ escorts and cam girls over the course of 9 months after I gave birth, was doing cocaine, and was an alcoholic...all without me knowing.

I am in therapy and group therapy. I'm getting lots of mental help because the betrayal is beyond anything I could have ever expected, especially after I had already forgiven him for stuff 2 months and 6 months into marriage.

Despite the therapy, and despite final d-day brain back in March, my brain feels off. I haven't felt like myself in a while. Some days are good, but days like today, I remember how low he made me feel about myself. How he asked me to ask myself why my husband prefers prostitutes over me. I just feel so off somedays. I stare off into nothing, have a hard time holding conversations on a regular basis, and this is bad given the nature of my work requires a very sharp brain.

Today, despite telling him to no longer contact me, I sent two crying screaming voicemails and probably 20+ texts. He hasn't responded. He let me know he tried to apologize for all the betrayal but i was unwilling to accept his apologies (this is true, because he said sorry so many times...and still dealt with so many sex workers).

Saying sorry just is not enough for all of this. The nature of who he cheated with (sex workers) the sheer number (30+) the amount spent ($5000+) makes me sick every time i recall the details.

I just mentally no longer feel like myself. I was once a very chatty person, and now I prefer quiet. I was bubbly, and now I feel somber. I'm just so tired all the time.

He's not asking for much from the divorce, but I truly want nothing from him. I don't want child support. I don't want co-parenting. I just want him to leave me alone.I worry my brain will not get well again if I keep having to interact with him. I feel like i'm in a fog, or like i'm swimming through some thick molasses in my head. I zone out too easily. I ramble. I forget my words. My therapists say it's betrayal trauma PTSD, but I just want to get out of this fog.

My therapists, one being a Christian therapist and then the other being Christian wives of sex addicts group therapy, keep telling me that this can take years to get out of. Some people become physically ill and get autoimmune disorders, some women end up mentally ill and even end up in psych wards. The damage is that serious, so I thank God I'm not there, i'm not at that point, but I feel so off, and it's not getting better.

I feel my options in life have been limited. The good guys are snatched up already. The course of my life has changed. I am away from family and friends. I have very little community where I am. It's just very, very hard. The cruelty I received from him at the end of this has been too much, and despite some falsely earnest attempts by him to make things right, everything is too wrong.

Hey. I'm just asking for prayers from this sub, since you're the sub that has been hearing and reading about this issue over and over again. Thanks for being such a great group and for offering such good support.

Could you pray for my healing and peace of mind as I end a marriage?

I've shared a lot in other places about my soon to be ex husband (written here and here). In quick summary, he paid 31+ escorts and cam girls over the course of 9 months after I gave birth, was doing cocaine, and was an alcoholic, had a woman he was secretly with while engaged to me, ...all without me knowing.

I am in therapy and group therapy. I'm getting lots of mental help because the betrayal is beyond anything I could have ever expected, especially after I had already forgiven him for stuff 2 months and 6 months into marriage.

Despite the therapy, and despite final d-day brain back in March, my brain feels off. I haven't felt like myself in a while. Some days are good, but days like today, I remember how low he made me feel about myself. How he asked me to ask myself why my husband prefers prostitutes over me. I just feel so off somedays. How he made me feel so low Ia thought i should die.

I stare off into nothing, have a hard time holding conversations on a regular basis, and this is bad given the nature of my work requires a very sharp brain.

Today, despite telling him to no longer contact me, I sent two crying screaming voicemails and probably 20+ texts. He hasn't responded. He let me know he tried to apologize for all the betrayal but i was unwilling to accept his apologies (this is true, because he said sorry so many times...and still dealt with so many sex workers).

Saying sorry just is not enough for all of this. The nature of who he cheated with (sex workers) the sheer number (30+) the amount spent ($5000+) makes me sick every time i recall the details. I wonder how I could have not seen this. What I have done to have this in my life.

I just mentally no longer feel like myself. I was once a very chatty person, and now I prefer quiet. I was bubbly, and now I feel somber. I'm just so tired all the time.

He's not asking for much from the divorce, but I truly want nothing from him. I don't want child support. I don't want co-parenting. I just want him to leave me alone.I worry my brain will not get well again if I keep having to interact with him. I feel like i'm in a fog, or like i'm swimming through some thick molasses in my head. I zone out too easily. I ramble. I forget my words. My therapists say it's betrayal trauma PTSD, but I just want to get out of this fog. My therapists, one being a Christian therapist and then the other being Christian wives of sex addicts group therapy, keep telling me that this can take years to get out of. Some people become physically ill and get autoimmune disorders, some women end up mentally ill and even end up in psych wards. The damage is that serious, so I thank God I'm not there, i'm not at that point, but I feel so off, and it's not getting better.

To wait my whole life for marriage and a little family of my own, to have a baby and a loving, Godly husband, and coming from a background filled with strong, Godly marriages that have lasted decades and decades, this is a specific and horrid pain. The good guys are snatched up. Most of the still unmarried men and women are virgins and childless. I feel my options have been limited. The course of my life has changed. I am away from family and friends. I have very little community where I am. It's just very, very hard. The cruelty I received from him at the end of this has been too much, and despite some falsely earnest attempts by him to make things right, everything is too wrong.

I've shared a lot in other places about my soon to be ex husband (written here and here). In quick summary, he paid 31+ escorts and cam girls over the course of 9 months after I gave birth, was doing cocaine, and was an alcoholic...all without me knowing.

I am in therapy and group therapy. I'm getting lots of mental help because the betrayal is beyond anything I could have ever expected, especially after I had already forgiven him for stuff 2 months and 6 months into marriage.

Despite the therapy, and despite final d-day brain back in March, my brain feels off. I haven't felt like myself in a while. Some days are good, but days like today, I remember how low he made me feel about myself. How he asked me to ask myself why my husband prefers prostitutes over me. I just feel so off somedays. I stare off into nothing, have a hard time holding conversations on a regular basis, and this is bad given the nature of my work requires a very sharp brain.

Today, despite telling him to no longer contact me, I sent two crying screaming voicemails and probably 20+ texts. He hasn't responded. He let me know he tried to apologize for all the betrayal but i was unwilling to accept his apologies (this is true, because he said sorry so many times...and still dealt with so many sex workers).

Saying sorry just is not enough for all of this. The nature of who he cheated with (sex workers) the sheer number (30+) the amount spent ($5000+) makes me sick every time i recall the details.

I just mentally no longer feel like myself. I was once a very chatty person, and now I prefer quiet. I was bubbly, and now I feel somber. I'm just so tired all the time. He's not asking for much from the divorce, but I truly want nothing from him. I don't want child support. I don't want co-parenting. I just want him to leave me alone.I worry my brain not get well again if I keep interacting with him. I feel like i'm in a fog, or like i'm swimming through some thick molasses in my head. I zone out too easily. I ramble. I forget my words. My therapists say it's betrayal trauma PTSD, but I just want to get out of this fog.

I've shared a lot in other places about my soon to be ex husband (written here and here). In quick summary, he paid 31+ escorts and cam girls over the course of 9 months after I gave birth, was doing cocaine, and was an alcoholic...all without me knowing.

I am in therapy and group therapy. I'm getting lots of mental help because the betrayal is beyond anything I could have ever expected, especially after I had already forgiven him for stuff 2 months and 6 months into marriage.

Despite the therapy, and despite final d-day brain back in March, my brain feels off. I haven't felt like myself in a while. Some days are good, but days like today, I remember how low he made me feel about myself. How he asked me to ask myself why my husband prefers prostitutes over me. I just feel so off somedays. I stare off into nothing, have a hard time holding conversations on a regular basis, and this is bad given the nature of my work requires a very sharp brain.

Today, despite telling him to no longer contact me, I sent two crying screaming voicemails and probably 20+ texts. He hasn't responded. He let me know he tried to apologize for all the betrayal but i was unwilling to accept his apologies (this is true, because he said sorry so many times...and still dealt with so many sex workers).

Saying sorry just is not enough for all of this. The nature of who he cheated with (sex workers) the sheer number (30+) the amount spent ($5000+) makes me sick every time i recall the details.

I just mentally no longer feel like myself. I was once a very chatty person, and now I prefer quiet. I was bubbly, and now I feel somber. I'm just so tired all the time.

He's not asking for much from the divorce, but I truly want nothing from him. I don't want child support. I don't want co-parenting. I just want him to leave me alone.I worry my brain will not get well again if I keep having to interact with him. I feel like i'm in a fog, or like i'm swimming through some thick molasses in my head. I zone out too easily. I ramble. I forget my words. My therapists say it's betrayal trauma PTSD, but I just want to get out of this fog.

My therapists, one being a Christian therapist and then the other being Christian wives of sex addicts group therapy, keep telling me that this can take years to get out of. Some people become physically ill and get autoimmune disorders, some women end up mentally ill and even end up in psych wards. The damage is that serious, so I thank God I'm not there, i'm not at that point, but I feel so off, and it's not getting better.

I feel my options in life have been limited. The good guys are snatched up already. The course of my life has changed. I am away from family and friends. I have very little community where I am. It's just very, very hard. The cruelty I received from him at the end of this has been too much, and despite some falsely earnest attempts by him to make things right, everything is too wrong.

[removed]

I posted here a couple of months ago about my marriage with a husband paying over 31 cam girls and escorts. Many of you encouraged me to separate, saying the situation sounded unsafe and that reconciliation requires repentance, honesty, and accountability—not simply remaining married at all costs. I wanted to give an update because I genuinely don't know whether I'm missing something, or whether I'm continuing to be deceived. I've now been out of the house with our one-year-old since mid-May.

Even as recently as this week, my husband has maintained that my pride, not his actions, is what is ending our marriage. He believes this whole situation is a big misunderstanding and that I should have simply continued marriage counseling.

He was at our church yesterday for Bible study and prayers. Praying for the restoration of our marriage, but still refusing to call what he has done infidelity

The difficulty I'm having is that, from everything I've learned, marriage counseling only works when both people are operating in truth and taking responsibility for their own actions. During our counseling sessions, I felt the focus quickly became what I had done wrong instead of addressing the repeated deception and betrayal that brought us there. It left me feeling even more confused about reality.

For context, we've only been married three years. During that time there has been:

• A brief emotional affair six months into our marriage after meeting a woman at a club and taking her back to an Airbnb.
• Secret NSFW social media accounts where he interacted with women and consumed explicit content.
• Thousands of dollars spent on cam girls during my postpartum period—over 30 women, with FaceTimes and private interactions.
• Heavy drinking.
• Cocaine use.
• Looking up local escorts and driving to meet some (he admitted to driving to meet up 2 for cocaine...).
• Taking out hundreds of dollars at a time from hotel ATMs in amounts that matched what local prostitutes charged.
• Downloading Feeld, a kink dating app
• Parking outside strip clubs.
• Repeated conversations with women that crossed boundaries I believe no married person should cross.

His response today is that none of this was cheating. It's all a big misunderstanding (he was either curious, just happened to be at the wrong place after driving around (he does indeed just drive and forget where he's going; he loves the road), downloading things for work, getting cash at hotel ATMs for drinks and food, that he never touched the woman he met up with 6 months into marriage (she told me this is the case and blocked him for lying about his marital status afterwards) despite insinuating things could happen). He told me. afew days ago that early into marriage he needed an escape. I said that's crazy, in a new marrage your wife should be your oasis, not soemone you need to escape from. Then he said he mispoke, and he just wanted to go down memor lane with his friends, hence booking an airbnb with our funds and clubbing and meeting up with people.....

He says he never physically touched anyone, that he was simply lonely, curious, misunderstood, or communicating poorly with me. Every incident has an explanation. Every concern has another version of events. Every discovery somehow becomes my misunderstanding.

When I point to the overall pattern, he tells me I'm prideful and holding on to a false narrative. He wants the marriage to be restored, but he still cannot call what he has been doing cheating and infidelity.

When I point to the deception, he tells me I'm the one ending the marriage. That this is all my choice, stems from my pride and that I made this into a big deal to shame him and now I’m too prideful to fix what I myself have broken. But he wants the marriage to work and wants reconciliation...

When I asked in the past for transparency with finances and devices, he says I haven't earned that because I broke his trust by yelling at him, slapping him after discovering everything, going through his phone, and listening to one of his conversations through our Alexa device. I have repented for those reactions and apologized to both him and God. But I don't know how those failures on my part erase years of secrecy on his.

One example still stands out to me. He recently told me that a week into our marriage I made him feel small because I disagreed with him about which mop we should buy at Walmart. Based on his own recollection, I apologized about a week later. When I pointed out that a disagreement over a mop isn't comparable to years of sexual secrecy, paying cam girls for attention, searching for escorts, and repeatedly violating trust, he still seemed to view those things as somehow belonging in the same conversation. He also tells me that I’m too narrowminded to see the big picture point he’s making.

My therapist has helped me understand that when someone consistently minimizes, denies, or reframes their behavior, the other person can begin doubting their own perception of reality. I've found myself asking almost daily, "What if I'm wrong? What if this really is one huge misunderstanding?"

But then I look at the evidence I've personally documented over the past three years, and I wonder how many "misunderstandings" have to accumulate before they're simply a pattern.

I don't hate my husband.

I don't think he's beyond God's ability to save.

I have prayed. I have forgiven. I have stayed. I have gone to counseling. I have extended grace over and over again because I desperately wanted my marriage to survive.

But I'm exhausted.

What I struggle with most is not only the behaviors themselves but that, even now, there is still no full acknowledgment of what happened. Instead, I continue to be told that I'm seeing things incorrectly, that my pride is the real issue, and that if I had simply stayed in counseling everything would have been fine.  I’m also simply being told that what I am upset over is not what happened. Sure he may have not touched anyone but he sure did pay for them and spend time with them.

Also, quite suddenly, a random young woman from his past has been blackmailing him that she’ll tell me the truth about him indeed she told me that he was being intimate with her while he was dating me. he told me that this is a lie, and that she just didn’t want him to marry me and that she was also a young woman trying to sell her body and he stopped her. and that she’s jealous because he didn’t want her. Frankly, I didn’t know any of this before and this is coming from a guy who was quite upstanding in his community so I’m shocked that this woman from 3+ years ago who lives in a whole different place has suddenly come out of the woodwork to blackmail him, and i can only imagine why she's appeared now of all times.

For those of you who have walked through something similar, or for the wise among us, I have three genuine questions.

1. At what point do you stop assuming you're misunderstanding and accept that someone is unwilling to tell the truth?
2. And how do you know the difference between faithfully fighting for your marriage and enabling years of deception by continuing to stay in the cycle?
3. Also, would you say that this is what God permits us to divorce for? He says he didn't touch anyone or have sex with anyone...but...**waves hands at the above post**

I'm asking sincerely because I truly don't want to harden my heart. If I'm missing something, I want to know. But I also don't want to spend the next 30 years questioning my own reality while continuing to excuse patterns that have existed since the beginning of our marriage.

To the men in this group who are struggling the way my husband did

I'm 31. Married less than three years. We have a toddler together. We're separated now and heading toward divorce.

Six months into our marriage he cheated. He met a woman at a club, brought her back to a place he had booked with our money, texted her in ways that made it clear something could've happened. I contacted her and she said nothing happened. He also took partially naked photos of a woman for her NSFW account. I found out, confronted him, he was "repentant," we did therapy, I forgave him. I really thought we'd moved past it.

Then this year I found out that wasn't even close to the full story. Weeks after our wedding he already had secret accounts for porn , liking NSFW content, calling women "sexy" on Snapchat, sharing explicit stuff with friends and calling it "guys being guys." During my postpartum months he was spending thousands (3-5k in less than 9 months) on cam girls, over 30 of them, across multiple platforms. It also escalated to him being on the “ back pages” looking for escorts and driving around, looking for them as well

The acts themselves almost weren't the hardest part. The hardest part was that every time I asked for real transparency — his phone, his bank statements, anything — I got told I hadn't earned it, that I was the one with issues. He owned up to what he did, but still felt the need to deflect some of his shame. I know he was too scared to let me see the full picture. He deflected, lied, and by the time he was ready to ask for help, I was too angry to hear him, and then he was too angry to ask for help again .

If any of you are where he is right now, please be honest with your wife before it gets to this point. I always told my husband that if he had come clean to me after the first or second time, i would have stayed and helped him.

But I found out, and he doesn't know I know, that he's been struggling with lust for decades. Porn. Hookup sites. etc. I know he's tried to fight it because he had accountability apps and was doing Bible studies on lust.

Get a handle on your lust before it destroys you and the family you build.

I don't think he's a monster. I think he's a man who can't face what he did. But I'm 31, about to be a single mom, and I just needed to say this somewhere. I pray to God daily to take away the hatred I have for him for what he’s done to me and our child. I pray for his healing from this disease almost every day.

I waited a long time to be married and have an intimate relationship with a husband, which is something that I really truly wanted and cared about and now it’s been taken from me by someone’s lust.

(Linking original post for context- I'm the woman whose husband dealt with over 31 online escorts and cam girls, spent closer to 5k (i recently found out) to pay these escorts over the course of 9 months (right after I had a baby), was doing cocaine (he says only a few times), driving around at odd hours, etc)

I posted about a month ago and received so many responses. Thank you all so much for your support, and most of you agreed that what happened to me is serious and that I have every right to leave (Biblically speaking).

But I'm genuinely confused because I have now spoken to multiple pastors over the course of months. They don't know each other. They are different denominations (from Presbyterian to Catholic, to Pentecostal, to Non-denominational) , different ages, different genders. And almost every single one of them is telling me to stay and fight for this marriage.

The only people firmly in my corner are my parents and siblings. Everyone else ** especially spiritual leaders ** keeps telling me to stay despite the fact my husband just wants me to rug sweep his infidelity and move on.

When I ask what "staying and fighting" actually looks like in practice, none of them can give me a real answer.

One pastor told me I was immature for telling my own parents what was happening to me (after not sharing many things for 2 two years). Another said it would have been "a sign of maturity" not to involve my family. A third asked me to reflect on what I could have done to be a better wife to him. Was I immature for finally reaching a breaking point? Pastors knew and were counseling us, but I was still getting trickle-truthed, and I felt I was actually losing my mind.

We had a lot of good moments as a married couple, but our piece was punctured by cam girls, calling escorts, alcohol, drugs, and some true unkindness. I keep telling my parents that I would have stayed and fought through the cocaine use and alcohol, but I can't stick out multiple incidents of cheating.

I am genuinely sincerely lost. I've already moved out, but I would feel better about all this if the people I trust spiritually told me it's ok to go.

And now, as of 24 hours ago, my husband is telling me that I "have issues too" and he hopes I come to awareness of my own problems. He is also saying that most of what I've been telling people either happened in the past and is behind him (if so, praise be) or never happened at all.

If I didn't have concrete, documented evidence , I think I would be questioning my own reality right now. That is genuinely terrifying to say out loud.

He has been slandering me to others, and I just want to make a clean exit. A husband who threatens to tell people you use a vibrator (in our marriage bed. He even bought it with me and encouraged me to get it early in our marriage) as a way to embarrass and shame me, doesn't feel safe at all. He's also said I've been sleeping around (100% not true). He also has been telling these people that I had a bunch of boyfriends I was sleeping with before marriage (also not true). It's all very weird, and people I love and respect seem to believe him. He is well spoken and smart (thing i loved about him) but it also means these pastors (at least one of whom is also a trained counselor) interact with him, they cant see past what he's doing, which is manipulation.

One of these pastors has known my family for 20 years. Known him for maybe 3 or 4. And even she wants me to stay.

I genuinely want to understand: what am I missing? Why, when everyone agrees what he did is wrong (some even noting he might be mentally ill or that something is seriously wrong with him. One also noted that it's clear I married someone I didn't really even know..) , why do so many people in spiritual authority keep telling me to stay?

It's actually beginning to mess with me more than what he did itself. I can't call this church manipulation, because these are all different pastors across different denomination who don't know each other.

Early 30s couple. Married 2.5 year. I had a baby a little over a year ago. I discovered a few months ago my husband was paying cam girls, just so he could talk with them... supposedly nothing sexual. When I found out, I insulted him and slapped him twice (as stupid as it sounds, I asked if I could, he nodded and leaned forward...I've never hit him before). The sheer number of women, over 30, and over 3-5,000 dollars spent in nine months, was overwhelming. I lost weight and suffered to keep it going at work.

He initially said he did it because he was lonely after I had the baby. Then he said he couldn't speak with me because I wasn't available. Later it became I was never a good wife and his needs weren't met.

I stopped doing my nails or hair, cancelled my house cleaner, did part-time childcare despite having a more than full time job, barely bought new things, because i thought I was helping our family save money...all while he paid these women online. The 3-5k doesn't include the random amounts he sent to friends for their "rent," "shoes," or whatever else. I feel robbed.

I sometimes wonder if i had just not fallen apart after finding this all out, maybe we'd not be separated and heading towards a divorce. I wonder if I had just asked him why he did it and kept my anger and sadness in check, maybe he wouldn't have gone nucleur to insult and demean me. He has lied about my character to people, has insulted me and yelled at me for months, negelected me after a surgery, and it all just feels like too much.

He cheated 6 months into our marriage (very brief emotional affair with a regular woman IRL) and I later found out that weeks after our marriage he was liking cam girl stuff on an NSFW X/Twitter account. He was, from the start of our marriage, calling women sexy and cute on Snapchat. On his instagram, he and his male friends would swap sexy texts/photos about women, and he'd tell me it's just guys being guys.

My reality has been so warped by him that I am really wondering if I was just truly a bad wife. He loves to cook, so he did a lot of that. I don't think I was as sexual as he had hoped (we're Christians, so we only discovered that after getting married...), I wasn't a house wife type always cleaning (I'm a Dr. and researcher. I'm fairly busy), so our home could get a tad messy for a few days, but one of us would always reset it.

Post-partum, I wasn't a fan of my husband. I mentioned feeling like I should have married someone else. I now know this messed with him, since words of affrimation are important to him, but he was paying these cam girls mere weeks after out baby was born, so this comment isn't what set him off. I've come to learn that this was likely hormones and there's a phenomena of isolated post-partum women getting extremely frustrated by life and their spouses. No excuse, I know.

I came to learn he had been drinking, out at bars, eating meals, all while I was at home. Coming home drunk, and I wasn't aware (he brushes his teeth and uses mouthwash a lot). He was "dabbiling" in cocaine. I was so unaware of all of this happening. I was just at home with the baby. I don't see how a wife who had a c-section and had a baby could be so bad of a wife that she deserves this.

One night I kicked him out of the house, and he was gone for a while. When he came back, he said he wanted to put his life in my hands, I didn't understand he was trying to give me access to all his cars and phone and everything. I was so hurt and angry still, at this point it had been months of meanness from both of us, that I didn't understand what he was offering. Less than 24 hours later, I was boarding a plane to my parents place because I discovered that a few weeks earlier (about 2-3 months from when I discovered what he was doing), when I had surgery and needed his support but he wasn't home to help me, that he was clicking the links of another cam girl he found on Insta.

People are on his side. Someone said they've never heard of a wife leaving her husband because he talked to girls. Other people say he looks different (he's lost weight), and tell him everythting will be ok. I've been told to stay and fight for my marriage and to see my part in what happened.

He keeps telling me it was like playing a videogame. None of it felt real.

He also says that he's a man and that succumbing to my ultimatums regarding this are an attempt to strip away his masculinity.

But, guys, I couldn't have been a bad enough wife to deserve this, right? I don't see how or why living with you postpartum wife and new baby are enough to turn to this?

Edited to add: main point is i'm trying to understand his POV. I don't want to paint him as a villain, so I want to see what might be legit here (from the POV of other men) vs if he's just blaming me for what he did.

TLDR; remind me that I’m smart and strong for leaving a bad man and/or that his final pleas for forgiveness should pause my plans to divorce him. I would prefer to hear your stories of dealing with a suddenly “sorry” spouse

Long story short, three months ago I found out my husband of 2.5 years cheated on me with over 31 cam girls during the first 9 months of our child’s life, and now, very likely had in person meet ups with escorts (full story of his serial infidelity here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Christianmarriage/comments/1t8u2sx/husband_cheated_with_over_31_escorts/) and was also seeking hard drugs like cocaine…but supposedly didn’t get any…

I just had a baby a little over a year ago. This hot mess is I already forgave him for cheating on me 6 months into the marriage.

I now have a new awesome place, and will move in a few weeks. I also have put our child into full time day care (I work full time but put our kid in part time care to help us save money…money (3~4k of which was spent on cam girls and escorts). I plan on leaving (in a few weeks) and divorcing him.

A few nights ago, after a fight in which he called me evil and wicked because I unearthed that he was still clicking on links for cam girls as of a week ago, he left the house. As of today, he has messaged me how sorry he is. That he wants his family together. That he takes full responsibility for his cheating (he blamed me and at one point during a heated argument a month or two ago even told me to figure out why my husband would prefer prosititues over me…). He has a friend who threatened my life last night because I asked him a few days ago to encourage marital integrity in his friend (my husband) because they had been swapping sexual jokes/ memes in their private chat. My husband decided not to defend me and told me i messaged his friend so this is the result. But again, today, he’s remorseful. He wants to have his family again.

Okay, the question: I need to hear stories from y’all about how stupid it would be to take this man back OR stories of how after being so horrible of a husband, a ma can turn his life around.

The small flutter of hope rose in my chest (we have a one year old, own a home, and I’m a lover girl. I love being married…but not to him at this moment) , but then I replayed the recording I took of him cussing me out and yelling that I’ve been sleeping around (dearest gentle reader, I am not the type to sleep around…I think he’s projecting). I’ve actually been scared enough that I’ve hidden the gun in our home (he’d never hit or touched me before, but I know that a man who isn’t sleeping and is under stress can snap) and I lock all the interior doors just to be extra safe in case he comes back in the house before I move out.

Cheating , infidelity , and marriage as a cross to carry

My husband paid over 3-4k on over 31 online cam girls and digital escorts (amongst many other terrible things, e.g, even finding women who live a few minutes from our house… but he claims he never met up with them). We’ve been married for less than 3 years and have a one year old.

Our family priest , who has been working with us for almost 3 months in this issue, states that his sin and this marriage might be a cross for me to carry. That the fact God showed me his sin might be because God wanted me to help him with his edification process.

Biblically speaking, is any of this valid? Would God want me to stay with a man who cheated on me 6 months into marriage (chatting with women in person and making plans to meet up again) and who dealt with digital escorts and alcoholism almost immediately after I gave birth? Is there any Biblical standing for what our priest told me?

He had already gone to confession 24 hours before God revealed to me step-by-step how to find everything. He feels that his repentance to God is enough, and my request for access to credit cards, his phone, and his social media is a sign of me trying to control him. He says God has forgiven him so he will not allow me to make him feel shame.

He had been a follower of Christ his whole life, and when we were dating, he was even someone who convicted me to do better in my faith and to read scripture even more (we did sooo many Bible studies together). This is not a man who could’ve been considered an atheist or an unbeliever. He was one of the youngest members of their churches council frequently did readings at church participate in activities as an events and even supports with communion. He’s also one of the people working on a multi year rosary Congress occurring throughout Latin America and Africa. So his behavior, which he says came about because he was lonely because I had just given birth, is horrid. He was praying for us and anointing our head with oil in the morning…hours after he had been on calls with these online prostitutes .

Cheating , infidelity , and marriage as a cross to carry

My husband paid over 3-4k on over 31 online cam girls and digital escorts (amongst many other terrible things, e.g, even finding women who live a few minutes from our house… but he claims he never met up with them). We’ve been married for less than 3 years and have a one year old.

Our family priest , who has been working with us for almost 3 months in this issue, states that his sin and this marriage might be a cross for me to carry. That the fact God showed me his sin might be because God wanted me to help him with his edification process.

Biblically speaking, is any of this valid? Would God want me to stay with a man who cheated on me 6 months into marriage (chatting with women in person and making plans to meet up again) and who dealt with digital escorts and alcoholism almost immediately after I gave birth? Is there any Biblical standing for what our priest told me?

He had already gone to confession 24 hours before God revealed to me step-by-step how to find everything. He feels that his repentance to God is enough, and my request for access to credit cards, his phone, and his social media is a sign of me trying to control him. He says God has forgiven him so he will not allow me to make him feel shame.

He had been a follower of Christ his whole life, and when we were dating, he was even someone who convicted me to do better in my faith and to read scripture even more (we did sooo many Bible studies together). This is not a man who could’ve been considered an atheist or an unbeliever. He was one of the youngest members of their churches council frequently did readings at church participate in activities as an events and even supports with communion. He’s also one of the people working on a multi year rosary Congress occurring throughout Latin America and Africa. So his behavior, which he says came about because he was lonely because I had just given birth, is horrid. He was praying for us and anointing our head with oil in the morning…hours after he had been on calls with these online prostitutes .

He has also spent the past three months, blaming me telling me to see my part and all of this and creating lies about me to his family and close friends… and then saying he never said such things. For example, on Mother’s Day, his brother called me and asked me how I was and I told his brother what was happening. His brother said he didn’t know that this was going on and as I was telling his brother all that has happened my husband started yelling out that I’m lying and not telling the truth. As recently as a week ago he said that they weren’t prostitutes that they’re just women …. He will apologize and say sorry and that he wants to stay married and to work on the marriage, but then he’ll also do stuff like that.

My husband paid over 3-4k on over 31 online cam girls and digital escorts (amongst many other terrible things, e.g, even finding women who live a few minutes from our house… but he claims he never met up with them). We’ve been married for less than 3 years and have a one year old.

Our family priest , who has been working with us for almost 3 months in this issue, states that his sin and this marriage might be a cross for me to carry. That the fact God showed me his sin might be because God wanted me to help him with his edification process.

Biblically speaking, is any of this valid? Would God want me to stay with a man who cheated on me 6 months into marriage (chatting with women in person and making plans to meet up again) and who dealt with digital escorts and alcoholism almost immediately after I gave birth? Is there any Biblical standing for what our priest told me?

He had already gone to confession 24 hours before God revealed to me step-by-step how to find everything. He feels that his repentance to God is enough, and my request for access to credit cards, his phone, and his social media is a sign of me trying to control him. He says God has forgiven him so he will not allow me to make him feel shame.

He had been a follower of Christ his whole life, and when we were dating, he was even someone who convicted me to do better in my faith and to read scripture even more (we did sooo many Bible studies together). This is not a man who could’ve been considered an atheist or an unbeliever. He was one of the youngest members of their churches council frequently did readings at church participate in activities as an events and even supports with communion. He’s also one of the people working on a multi year rosary Congress occurring throughout Latin America and Africa. So his behavior, which he says came about because he was lonely because I had just given birth, is horrid. He was praying for us and anointing our head with oil in the morning…hours after he had been on calls with these online prostitutes .

He has also spent the past three months, blaming me telling me to see my part and all of this and creating lies about me to his family and close friends… and then saying he never said such things. For example, on Mother’s Day, his brother called me and asked me how I was and I told his brother what was happening. His brother said he didn’t know that this was going on and as I was telling his brother all that has happened my husband started yelling out that I’m lying and not telling the truth. As recently as a week ago he said that they weren’t prostitutes that they’re just women …. He will apologize and say sorry and that he wants to stay married and to work on the marriage, but then he’ll also do stuff like that.

I’m the one who posted a week ago about her husband paying over 3-4k on cam girls/ digital escorts and alcohol.

I appreciate the responses you’ve all given me. All my pastors (from my childhood church to the church I attend as an adult, to family members who are clergy etc) have asked me to keep trying. To stick it out. To pray for him. That I might be part of his edification process. That God can change him and I should pray, show grace, understand he may understand things differently, etc.

I am too scared to do that. I’m only 31. We haven’t even been married for 3 years. I truly want to cut my loss here and not worry about a sunk cost fallacy.

But I’m deeply scared. I’m scared to raise a toddler on my own. I’m scared and ashamed of how I know other Christians will judge me. I feel a deep shame even though I did nothing wrong.

I’m scared to have to co-parent with him forever. I’m scared that if I leave, I would’ve missed out on him changing. I’m scared that if I stay I’ll miss my next blessing.

I’m scared he’ll be destitute if I leave. We share my car (bought before marriage). I carry the whole family on my health insurance. If I leave, he can’t afford bills, child support, and our house. He would need to get a car because I’m taking mine. I feel terrible, that despite the evil he’s done to me, I don’t want him to struggle too.

I’m scared for my daughter to grow up in a single parent household.

I’m an academic and doctor/phd , and I know that if this goes through, I want to head back to where my family lives, but I would have to give up my career and do something new (very niche and openings don’t happen all the time). I spent over a decade in training…just to throw it away because a man ruined my life with his serial lust?

I had two pastors, one who knows him quite well, seriously inquire if he might be mentally ill. As in bipolar of schizophrenia. I’m not too sure, I actually doubt it, but they all say this is too much and all too crazy and too intense and too sudden for it to be just a bad man doing bad things.

It all just hurts so much. I’m just so scared. The fear is paralyzing me.

He has suddenly become kind. Back to the guy I married at the start. But now I know for a fact he wears a mask, so I do not trust this kindness. There’s no more yelling as long as I don’t press too much. He’s back to praying and all his sermons even more than ever, but he was doing that while also paying over 31 cam girls. I see it all as a farce.

I’m just so scared. I don’t know what to do. One of my pastors said that’s nobody will tell me to leave my marriage. Only I know what’s happening to me in it, so only I can make a decision.

My parents are willing to support me to leave (they are Christian, marriage counselors, and have a heart for reconciliation) but after my mother saw how he abandoned me after a surgery and staid out at night and told me he doesn’t care and wants to go out, my mom realized this isn’t someone I can stay married to. She was pushing for reconciliation for 2 months until she witnessed how he cared more for himself and his social world than for me (he said “your butt insert the swear word version doesn’t look sick to me” despite the fact I was bent over, can’t lift our own child, and had wounds still from the surgery…)

Again, just scared. Just scared to be doing this alone. The house is calm again. Our kid is playing and talkative again, but I don’t trust this man anymore. He still won’t give me access of his phone or credit cards. I was able to get into his phone, and there’s nothing horrid there, so I don’t know why he just won’t share. He’s told me I haven’t eared the right. That’s Ive broken his trust for my anger at his infidelity. There’s no trust. No trust.

Edited to add: when this was all discovered, he instantly gave me access to two of the main credit cards. The third was one I forgot existed, and he suddenly remembered d bad things may be on there too (I wanted us to work on our finances, which is why it came up). Because I reacted so poorly to the first two cards, that’s why he refused to let me see the other. He don’t like giving his phone because I always ask questions (who is this, what screenshot is that, etc)

I see no evidence he’s still doing this (talking to cam girls) our pastor in convo with me said he did this because he was lonely (I just had a baby) , so are there things we can all implement to help him with his longlines… this is a good thought but a better man wouldn’t turn to cam girl and digital escorts and alcohol and drugs out of loneliness …

If you click my profile, you can see my post history. My husband paid over 31+ cam girls (escorts specifically of Twitter/X) during the first almost year of our child’s birth.

He claims a few things:

1. he was just talking with them. He was curious and just talked . Here’s the thing, I know the sell themselves on Twitter /X , and I find that hard to believe although “just talking” is in line with his personality type (really needs affection and attention)

2. he states he had quit this and repented and deleted accounts before I found out. This is true. He did delete the secret Twitter/Xaccounts and secret emails and CashApp account about a week prior and had repented at church about 24-48 hours prior to me finding out.

I am having some difficulty with all this, and I want to know, specifically from those that do this stuff (but anyone really) if it’s actually possible to just talk with cam girls and never have it escalate sexually online or turn into a real life behavior?

Basically, I’m trying to see if this is a dopamine hit gone wrong or the extension of a major character flag? I’m deciding if this is something I can stick out and work with him on or if the sheer number of cam girls he paid and the 1000s$x4 he spent is a sign he’s too far gone.

(Editing to add he emotionally cheated for like a day or two in person and continued through a few texts with a girl he met at club when we had only been married for 6 months; he also has low moral boundaries and was taking inappropriate photos for a female friends Instagram when their friend group thing out. He was deeply remorseful for this and we made it though

Although he says sorry for the cam girls, he has difficulty taking accountability with family and friends and sometimes smears me and blamed me, which is wild, but then later apologizes, and then repeats it. He also flip flops on if they are prostitutes or just women he talked with…

He shared I was mean postpartum (and he needed people to talk with and this is what he chose …he was even begging some to FaceTime him on Valentine’s Day…but I got a card and a balloon and that’s it… he says he’s a prize too and i should’ve done stuff for him too, which, sure, ok, but it’s not an excuse… We are now 3 years married with a 1 year old )

Husband Cheated with over 31 escorts he found on Twitter and online

Is this marriage redeemable at all?

My husband cheated on me 6 months into marriage. I texted the girl, and she said they never did anything because they had just met. He was repentant. We had therapy. I forgave. We moved.

We’ve now been married for 3 years. We have a toddler now, a little over a year old, and I discovered for the first 9 months of her life he was cheating on me with online escorts. Paying them over 4k (as much I could find) for their FaceTime services. Before this, I had seen him looking up escorts on his phone and he told me someone at a bar mentioned it and he looked it up out of curiosity. I also know he was driving around trying to meet some in order to score cocain , but none of them picked up his calls.

Since this discovery, he said sorry. I spent over a week on anger and yelling (slapped him twice, insulted him up down and sideways.. all of which I apologies for to him and to God) . I then spent a few weeks in crazy intensive prayers. Then weeks in shrieking sobs. He keeps asking me to see my part in all of this. Therapy has taught him to rephrase this to say that things I did before his betrayal hurt him. I see this as nonsense. I had given birth. Within 2 weeks of the child being born, he was guzzling alcohol. I don’t grow up around anyone that drank, so I did not recognize the alcoholism. I simply and foolishly thought he was sick. Then he started looking up escorts. When I cried, he said it was an evil spirit he would pray out of me. When I wanted to be alone he pulled me back to the room (which I appreciated), but he also frequently refused to even call the women prosititues. Which is insane to me.

This is a man who prayed and read his Bible everyday. He annotated my head and our child’s head with oil. And he did this.

Admittedly, post partum i was out of it. I started brining up divorce, saying I was discontent, saying I feel I should have waited longer and married a different (but not anyone specific ) man. This was wrong of me; but I now see it as my spirit knowing something was horribly wrong. I started therapy 4 months after giving birth to deal with post partum anxiety, but he was doing this within weeks of me giving birth. He had gone to pray and confess to a pastor of ours legitimately 24 hours before God gave me Step by step directions on how to find everything. He keeps saying he repented to God and that should be enough. He keeps saying that he’s doing everything (occasionally feeding me, trying to have sec with me which I obviously reject, trying to be nice) but that’s not true.

I had a pretty serious surgery this week. Instead of coming home after work, he has been out until 8 pm every night having time for himself. Saying he needs time for him. He dropped me off at home after the surgery and was gone about half an hour later. I asked him to be around as a sign of care. He said no. I told him I can’t keep caring about his feelings. He needs to care about me. Over 20 times within minutes he yelled at me that he doesn’t care about me; that he will sign paperwork so I can keep my child; he’ll sign divorce paperwork etc. it’s crazy to me he threw away a marriage and a newborn for online cam girls. He keeps making appointments with people and church family telling them it’s crazy. Sharing that I don’t know the power of my tongue. Telling them (and his own parents) only half the truth. I see the way he discarded me this week as a sign the marriage is over.

. Yet, this is the crazy part, he says he’ll never ask me to divorce him. He sees us growing old together ; that he loves me; and that if I want a divorce it’s my choice.

I think something is deeply wrong with him. I no longer plan to continue in the marriage. We have marriage therapy, and I’ll attend, but I don’t have any real hope for redemption months after this all came out.

He also told me the hospital lost his STD paperwork which fees like a crazy lie this day and age. They’ve lost it for over 3 months?! I know he’s lying and that the marriage has been a lie. I feel that he deceived me, and I don’t know what for.

The house has been a hostile space. Our child is becoming quiet. Just a few days ago during an argument he ripped his glasses off his face and tossed them down the stairs. Earlier this week during a confrontation in our neighborhood sidewalk he yelled out “I love (garden tools)”… he doesn’t remember even saying this.

I can’t believe this is my life.

Is there anything I can do to salvage this? My therapist keeps saying I can’t and only he can put in the work, but I can’t believe my whole life will implode and I have no choice.

Husband Cheated with over 31 escorts

Is this marriage redeemable at all?

My husband cheated on me 6 months into marriage. I texted the girl, and she said they never did anything because they had just met. He was repentant. We had therapy. I forgave. We moved.

We’ve now been married for 3 years. We have a toddler now, a little over a year old, and I discovered for the first 9 months of her life he was cheating on me with online escorts. Paying them over 4k (as much I could find) for their FaceTime services. Before this, I had seen him looking up escorts on his phone and he told me someone at a bar mentioned it and he looked it up out of curiosity. I also know he was driving around trying to meet some in order to score cocain , but none of them picked up his calls.

Since this discovery, he said sorry. I spent over a week on anger and yelling (slapped him twice, insulted him up down and sideways.. all of which I apologies for to him and to God) . I then spent a few weeks in crazy intensive prayers. Then weeks in shrieking sobs. He keeps asking me to see my part in all of this. Therapy has taught him to rephrase this to say that things I did before his betrayal hurt him. I see this as nonsense. I had given birth. Within 2 weeks of the child being born, he was guzzling alcohol. I don’t grow up around anyone that drank, so I did not recognize the alcoholism. I simply and foolishly thought he was sick. Then he started looking up escorts. When I cried, he said it was an evil spirit he would pray out of me. When I wanted to be alone he pulled me back to the room (which I appreciated), but he also frequently refused to even call the women prosititues. Which is insane to me.

This is a man who prayed and read his Bible everyday. He annotated my head and our child’s head with oil. And he did this.

Admittedly, post partum i was out of it. I started brining up divorce, saying I was discontent, saying I feel I should have waited longer and married a different (but not anyone specific ) man. This was wrong of me; but I now see it as my spirit knowing something was horribly wrong. I started therapy 4 months after giving birth to deal with post partum anxiety, but he was doing this within weeks of me giving birth. He had gone to pray and confess to a pastor of ours legitimately 24 hours before God gave me Step by step directions on how to find everything. He keeps saying he repented to God and that should be enough. He keeps saying that he’s doing everything (occasionally feeding me, trying to have sec with me which I obviously reject, trying to be nice) but that’s not true.

I had a pretty serious surgery this week. Instead of coming home after work, he has been out until 8 pm every night having time for himself. Saying he needs time for him. He dropped me off at home after the surgery and was gone about half an hour later. I asked him to be around as a sign of care. He said no. I told him I can’t keep caring about his feelings. He needs to care about me. Over 20 times within minutes he yelled at me that he doesn’t care about me; that he will sign paperwork so I can keep my child; he’ll sign divorce paperwork etc. it’s crazy to me he threw away a marriage and a newborn for online cam girls. He keeps making appointments with people and church family telling them it’s crazy. Sharing that I don’t know the power of my tongue. Telling them (and his own parents) only half the truth. I see the way he discarded me this week as a sign the marriage is over.

. Yet, this is the crazy part, he says he’ll never ask me to divorce him. He sees us growing old together ; that he loves me; and that if I want a divorce it’s my choice.

I think something is deeply wrong with him. I no longer plan to continue in the marriage. We have marriage therapy, and I’ll attend, but I don’t have any real hope for redemption months after this all came out.

He also told me the hospital lost his STD paperwork which fees like a crazy lie this day and age. They’ve lost it for over 3 months?! I know he’s lying and that the marriage has been a lie. I feel that he deceived me, and I don’t know what for.

Is this marriage redeemable at all?

My husband cheated on me 6 months into marriage. I texted the girl, and she said they never did anything because they had just met. He was repentant. We had therapy. I forgave. We moved.

We’ve now been married for 3 years. We have a toddler now, a little over a year old, and I discovered for the first 9 months of her life he was cheating on me with online escorts. Paying them over 4k (as much I could find) for their FaceTime services. Before this, I had seen him looking up escorts on his phone and he told me someone at a bar mentioned it and he looked it up out of curiosity. I also know he was driving around trying to meet some in order to score cocain , but none of them picked up his calls.

Since this discovery, he said sorry. I spent over a week on anger and yelling (slapped him twice, insulted him up down and sideways.. all of which I apologies for to him and to God) . I then spent a few weeks in crazy intensive prayers. Then weeks in shrieking sobs. He keeps asking me to see my part in all of this. Therapy has taught him to rephrase this to say that things I did before his betrayal hurt him. I see this as nonsense. I had given birth. Within 2 weeks of the child being born, he was guzzling alcohol. I don’t grow up around anyone that drank, so I did not recognize the alcoholism. I simply and foolishly thought he was sick. Then he started looking up escorts. When I cried, he said it was an evil spirit he would pray out of me. When I wanted to be alone he pulled me back to the room (which I appreciated), but he also frequently refused to even call the women prosititues. Which is insane to me.

This is a man who prayed and read his Bible everyday. He annotated my head and our child’s head with oil. And he did this.

Admittedly, post partum i was out of it. I started brining up divorce, saying I was discontent, saying I feel I should have waited longer and married a different (but not anyone specific ) man. This was wrong of me; but I now see it as my spirit knowing something was horribly wrong. I started therapy 4 months after giving birth to deal with post partum anxiety, but he was doing this within weeks of me giving birth. He had gone to pray and confess to a pastor of ours legitimately 24 hours before God gave me Step by step directions on how to find everything. He keeps saying he repented to God and that should be enough. He keeps saying that he’s doing everything (occasionally feeding me, trying to have sec with me which I obviously reject, trying to be nice) but that’s not true.

I had a pretty serious surgery this week. Instead of coming home after work, he has been out until 8 pm every night having time for himself. Saying he needs time for him. He dropped me off at home after the surgery and was gone about half an hour later. I asked him to be around as a sign of care. He said no. I told him I can’t keep caring about his feelings. He needs to care about me. Over 20 times within minutes he yelled at me that he doesn’t care about me; that he will sign paperwork so I can keep my child; he’ll sign divorce paperwork etc. it’s crazy to me he threw away a marriage and a newborn for online cam girls. He keeps making appointments with people and church family telling them it’s crazy. Sharing that I don’t know the power of my tongue. Telling them (and his own parents) only half the truth. I see the way he discarded me this week as a sign the marriage is over.

. Yet, this is the crazy part, he says he’ll never ask me to divorce him. He sees us growing old together ; that he loves me; and that if I want a divorce it’s my choice.

I think something is deeply wrong with him. I no longer plan to continue in the marriage. We have marriage therapy, and I’ll attend, but I don’t have any real hope for redemption months after this all came out.

He also told me the hospital lost his STD paperwork which fees like a crazy lie this day and age. They’ve lost it for over 3 months?! I know he’s lying and that the marriage has been a lie. I feel that he deceived me, and I don’t know what for.

He’s also watching sermons about errors and mistakes. But he’s liking posts on Instagram about how he’ll make his first millions once he has been betrayed by his family… it’s all just weird Also, editing to add, he was on Instagram sharing photos of busty curvy women with his friends for months. I’m actually disgusted by him.

Edit 2: the home has been toxic for months post this revelation. So much yelling. He even throws his own glasses to the ground in anger. Our child has started become quiet and I am scared of the damage this is doing to them.