u/Warm_Sundays

Closing in on 9 months post D-day. His recovery is going well and with each day I'm feeling a little better and don't have the heart dropping moments every time I wake up and remember where I am in this marriage. My spirals of devastation with this reality have lessened. I still struggle with the intimacy parts though. I'm okay with the holding hands, kisses goodbye etc, saying kind things, spending quality time together. But the thought of an actual fulfilling sexual relationship with him I just can't seem to rationalize. We had hysterical bonding for the first month and have had sex 5 times in the last 8 months, the last time being nine weeks ago.

I don't feel desire for him, I often feel like sexually he's a stranger even though we've been together 28 years. The thoughts of actually being sexual with him bring up the following for me:

• Picturing him with sex workers
• Feeling that I'd be insulting myself to be sexual with him
• Feeling like "what's the point" when it wasn't enough for him before
• Feeling compared to other women
• That I'm disrespecting myself to be sexual with him
• Sex has lost its specialness
• The idea of it feels more disconnecting than connecting
• I don't care about his sexual needs anymore
• I used to love sex with him and would think about it often, now the thoughts of him and sex are mostly all negative.

Wondering how others are dealing with returning to, or have returned to intimacy.

We are 8.5 months since D-Day. Reconciling and he is doing well, I am too considering 8 months ago I couldn't see a way forward at all. I'm thinking more about myself now, my goals in life have changed somewhat since discovery. Before D-day I never pictured a life without him, I allow myself to do that now. Part of that is about becoming my own person, being more "ME" and less "US".

I know I've neglected myself somewhat in regard to my looks and my health. Nothing major but a selfish glow-up for me feels like something I am keen to focus on. Anyone else had feelings similar?

I was recommended this site a few weeks ago by a therapist and I find myself heading back each day. New information and articles added most days. Simple and easy to understand and so many of the questions I've had are answered here. Check out the Free Resource section.

After the Discovery | sex addiction betrayal

Items in their FREE RESOURCE section

• Why he lies about porn, even when it's a boundary
• How sex addicts see their acting out partners
• You are not going crazy
• 25 Questions every betrayed spouse asks
• 365 Daily Journal Prompts
• 300+ Questions to ask after discovery
• What's Mine to Carry Guide
• 100 Simple Confidence Boosters

What do you think your greatest concerns are in your relationship reconciliation?

What is the thing you are finding the hardest to get past in regard to your addict spouse?

What are the nagging questions you have that you just don't seem to be able to move past even after multiple discussions?

We are just over 8 months since D-day. He is sober and doing very well in recovery. No relapses and has been very determined to be the man he wants to be. Most days I'm good even though the addiction and all the acting out still occupy my mind every day, the feelings I have towards those things are softening as I see him improving and working hard.

I am meeting with his CSAT tomorrow for the first time. I requested that I speak to him alone without my husband present. I think there is much information I can relay that my husband may not have thought about or discussed, like many men he's not full of words often.

Wondering how others experienced meeting the addicts CSAT. Was it a positive or did it create more questions?

What were some of the things that you knew in your gut were red flags or concerns but your husband’s manipulation or gaslighting made you second guess yourself?

After discovery what where did your ah-ha realisations of his behaviour that now made complete sense?

I'm propped up in my bed, leg in a cast! Yesterday I fully ruptured my achillies! Surgery scheduled for next week. And my husband has been so caring and is going out of his way to keep me comfortable. It's making me remember the man I once adored.

Looking back to discovery day, 8 months ago, it's hard to believe that we are still here. Still together and both doing what we need to do. There are times when I'm so angry at him, so disappointed in him, so resentful and just sad. But I'm trying hard to see and believe his devastating actions were his addiction not his character.

We have good days, great days and some truly shit days thrown in. Betrayal trauma is a beast, if you're here you know fully well what a beast it really is. He has his CSAT, does group meetings, listen's and learns, acknowledges the pain he's caused, fully understand his triggers, doesn't shy away from conflict as he did for 27 years, has a positive outlook, overall I can't really fault his determination to be the husband he says he's always wanted to be. I am more optimistic and can actually envision a future without continual emotional pain.

A few helpful resources I have found knowledge to see the addiction for what it is, and make the whole thing feel much less personal to me.

www.afterthediscovery.com.au (Digital guides, great for when you first discover sex addiction)

Joy Recovery Radio | Podcast on Spotify (this one is great for the husbands to learn about betrayal trauma)

From Harm to Healing | Podcast on Spotify (this one is great for the husbands to learn about betrayal trauma and the secret sexual basement)

Ask the Unfaithful | Podcast on Spotify

Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services | Podcast on Spotify

I’m on many subs, and I think I’m pretty sure in my opinion most men have a sexual compulsion of some sort. Really, how could they not? From early childhood they are literally encouraged to see “variety” as a necessity, sex as the end goal and reward for everything, youth is the most prized possession and deception and a secret sex life is totally acceptable. Pretty sure if I was a man I’d probably have a sexual compulsion also.

My discovery day was nearly 8 months ago. That now seems like so long ago. I feel like it’s taken me 3 years to get to 8 months in!! Amazing how much discovery literally rewrites your whole existence, past, present and future!

Looking back to your discovery day, what do you wish you understood better that you didn’t know then but do now?

For me it’s the months of never believing I’d ever feel “normal” again and that our relationship was completely ruined in every single way and I’d see it that way forever. That awful heart dropping moment when i woke every morning and instantly remembered the things he’d done and he wasn’t who I thought he was.

One lesson I have learnt from this whole sordid saga is that ultimately you can only rely on yourself. You have to be able to take care of yourself, emotionally, physically and financially. Never place all your whole self in the hands of another. You always have to have a plan, always. The plan needs to include clear guidelines of how at any point in time you can pick yourself up and move on alone.

Every woman needs to be taught that protecting oneself against the unknown is paramount too having a full and safe life and the older you get the more it's important. As much as it sounds horrific, there are many men that would rather just swap out an older wife for a new one that is free from the years of trauma he caused his first wife.

As a 54-year-old woman I am seeing it happening around me, my sisters (56) husband (57) left her last year for a 30-year-old woman. She never saw it coming, they were apparently happy in their 30 year marriage. The thing is men will "pretend" to be happy and content until they secure a person to go to when they eventually get the balls to leave.

Please, even if like me you are staying while all recovery work is being done, have a plan. And make that plan executable at a moment's notice. It can be an evolving plan but have something to grasp onto when you need it.

What lessons have you learnt since the discovery of your husband's sex addiction.

Before discovery day nearly 8 months ago, sex was meaningful and I loved it. Now, it's different. We have only been intimate about 6 times since D-day. Last time was about 4 weeks ago. The idea of sex with him now is just nothing, it means nothing to me, I don't think about sex with him, I don't care about it, I don't want it. It's not that all of a sudden, I'm asexual, I have a good sex drive, just not for him.

His addiction has just ruined how I see sex with him. It's very hard to feel sexual desire for a man that:

* Sexually violated every boundary I ever had.

* Paid young women for sex.

* Had sex with hundreds of sex workers.

* Had sex with women younger than his 3 daughters.

* Had no concern for my physical health.

* Compulsively lied to me for decades.

* Visited massage parlors like a creep.

* Gaslit and manipulated me for years.

I'm not sure how I will ever respect this man enough to ever want to be sexually vulnerable with him. Even with recovery, he's not the man I loved and trusted.

He's doing everything necessary and has had no slips or relapses and can see how much he has damaged our marriage. But it doesn't change the fact that he abused me for 10 years. He disrespected me and our sex life for a decade, now our sex life just seems like a pointless joke to me.

Any suggestions?? I don't want to feel this way but I do.

7 months since discovery, no relapses, CSAT, 12 step meetings, anxiety medication, open phone etc location tracking and over all doing all he can to recover.

The thing is even though we are staying together while he is in recovery (one relapse and I’m done) I see my future so differently. Before discovery we were planning to build a house after our property we are in now sells. Not anymore, he still wants to but not me. I want the money from this property divided and half each in our own accounts. I want to be tied to this man as little financially as possible.

If he has a relapse I want to be able to get away quickly and easily. Sadly he will always be a ticking time bomb in some ways. Even with all the recovery work, I still need to think of myself first and be fully aware that relapse is possible.

How are other spouses who stayed in the relationship with their sex addict feeling about your future together?

I want to send out a message to all struggling with a partner with a porn addiction, please for your own safety, never assume it’s just porn.

My husbands porn addiction ended up being a 10 year sex worker addiction. Hundreds of encounters with sex workers that I knew nothing about. Years of my life where I was in physical danger of contracting or having an STI that I was never aware of.

Porn addiction is a progressive disease, and if they will hide excessive porn from you they may also hide other things. Massage parlours and escorts etc are so accessible now and discreet.

Please, if you ever have any gut instincts or feelings that something is being hidden from you speak up.

Not that I ever would but I damn well want to.

I feel like he’s just got away with being a lying cheating prick for 10 years.

I feel like all the effort and sacrifices I made to be a good wife and partner was totally disrespected.

I feel like he’ll never fully understand and realise the total pain and heartache he has caused.

I feel like he’s treated not just me but all women badly by being such an objectifying creep.

Sometimes I just look at him and wonder how it is humanly possible to have been such a selfish, pathetic, coward of a man.

I have no respect for him at all and I feel like he stabbed me in the back for 10 years while I was devoting myself to him.

Somedays I just hate him!

I hate with a passion when anyone tries to say porn etc is “normal” and even worse when they say it’s “natural”.

While the system seems to be on an endless crusade to “normalise” the depravity, instead on trying to promote being civilised, we are doomed.

Imagine a world where every one of us were porn/sex addicts. To me, to judge what is good and beneficial to a society I think we have to imagine what life would be like if “everyone” partook in it. Think of what life would look like if we all spent hours a day watching porn, neglecting our families and our jobs, becoming sex fuelled robots.