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Sorry this is long..

They don’t understand how scary it is to wonder almost every if the life you’re living is a lie. To wonder if up really means up, if down really means down.

The acting behaviors are one thing but the lying, the manipulation, the gaslighting? That’s a whole different beast. THAT is what I’m terrified of. That is the part of my husband that makes me want to run and hide. Thinking about it makes me want to turn into a scared little girl that just wants to cry in my mom’s arms.

The years of manipulation destroyed whatever I had left of self trust because my SA wasn’t the first person to betray my trust. I had already took a big hit in high school when a long term best friend turned out to be lying about almost everything, that set the sage for my self doubt, when I started questioning my gut and started choosing to believe others instead of myself.

Anyway. My SA has had an increase in lying and defensiveness. The lying over stupid shit too, nothing major. He claims out of “fear” but it’s worse after he lies so make it make sense?? Then there has been a few instances of defensiveness, which up until now he’s never really had issues with. So of course alarm bells are going off. I’m pulling back, not having sex again, being short, just overall disengaging. So I asked to join a meeting with his CSAT, his CSAT agreed and we will be meeting this coming Monday.

Two nights ago he told me that he’s been feeling more guilty about his past actions. That he wonders where we would be if he didn’t mess up so bad, how happy we would be, etc. He says the guilt has been weighing on him recently. My thoughts? He’s full of shit because I haven’t had sex with him in weeks and he’s now being “vulnerable” maybe trying to get me to see that he’s “trying” and so I’ll have sex with him? Idk it’s weird timing in my opinion. Why is he only guilty when shit is going south?? Why is he never guilty when shit is going good?? Highly suspicious to me.

BUT to put the cherry on top. This morning I went to check his spam email (which I haven’t checked in a couple months because it’s been clean for a while) and it was filled in porn spam. So FML….

It hasn’t been that bad since he was acting out! His spam folder has been pretty clean, maybe he will get a random one every 3-6m, I’ll delete it and move on but my god, there was SO MUCH. So now again alarm bells are going off and again I’m wondering if he is acting out. He’s is saying he’s not (ha I’ve heard that before, haven’t we all) Ik the spam email isn’t the most reliable thing to go off of but to me I think there is a reg flag going on there.

I think there is something going on that he’s not telling me, I just don’t know what and I don’t have any evidence.

So yea. I fucking hate this shit.

Pretty much as the title states. This came as a big surprise because he’s been with his partner for over 10 years and he’s apparently never wanted to get married. I’m excited for him and his fiancé. Marriage is supposed to be exciting and happy but damn does it make me think about my shitty marriage. I hate it because I don’t want to wish a bad marriage on to anyone but I couldn’t help but to almost pray (I’m not even religious) that he (my BIL) in an honest man and hope that he doesn’t end up traumatizing his future wife.

My husband has also always compared himself to his brother. He has viewed his brother’s life as going much more smoothly than his, he is also very successful career wise (which is huge for his family). Now he’s going to compare the marriages. He’s already fucked up ours, so to him it’s another failure on his end and another success on his brothers.

I ended up just grieving my own proposal and wedding ceremony. My SA was doing an awful comforting me and my anxiety was through the roof so I ended up asking him to sleep on the couch. As soon as he left it was an instant relief. I haven’t had a moment like this in a long time but damn does it suck when it happens.

I was reading a post through a mom group I’m in. The poster was asking for advice about her husband because he is saying that she doesn’t provide enough physical contact. She said they have sex 4-5 times a week, he also requests sexy photos and texts and says that she doesn’t provide enough of those things. He also claims his love language is physical touch aka sex 🙄.

A lot of women were pointing out maybe he’s a PA/SA which shocked me because most of the time that’s not brought up. I’m thinking they brought it up
because the amount of sex he’s asking for. I think when people think sex addiction they think of a crazy man who can’t stop having sex which is not my personal experience.

So it got me curious. While your partner was in active addiction, did they sexual neglect you (this was my experience, got rejected a lot) or did they hound you for sex?

How to we feel about this when women push this narrative? Because it’s not just men pushing it. Time and time again I see post of a wife asking if her husband ED is normal, what she describes almost always sounds like PIED, even later admitting her husband has watched porn in the past but has since “stopped”. Then other women say she needs to work on her self esteem and insecurities. That how dare she question her husband ED, that maybe he’s “embarrassed” and doesn’t feel comfortable talking to her about it because she’s “shaming” him. It’s is SO frustrating when I see “ED is very common” like no no it shouldn’t be!!! A young healthy man should be just fine! Are there cases where hormones is an actual issues? Yes of course but I think those are more rare cases honestly. Woman minimizes ED so much, it’s scary. We shouldn’t be just accepting these mens broken penises.

My SA had ED issues and I always caulked it up to him being “older” he’s was 36 at the time. Yeah no it was porn. His penis actually works now, it’s night and day difference!!

This is the only place I can also talk about it because otherwise I get slammed with hate by other women. It’s SOOO frustrating!! I wish they would wake up!! Society needs to wake up! This amount of ED in men is NOT NORMAL.

How to we feel about this when women push this narrative? Because it’s not just men pushing it. Time and time again I see post of a wife asking if her husband ED is normal, what she describes almost always sounds like PIED, even later admitting her husband has watched porn in the past but has since “stopped”. Then other women say she needs to work on her self esteem and insecurities. That how dare she question her husband ED, that maybe he’s “embarrassed” and doesn’t feel comfortable talking to her about it because she’s “shaming” him. It’s is SO frustrating when I see “ED is very common” like no no it shouldn’t be!!! A young healthy man should be just fine! Are there cases where hormones is an actual issues? Yes of course but I think those are more rare cases honestly. Woman minimizes ED so much, it’s scary. We shouldn’t be just accepting these mens broken penises.

My SA had ED issues and I always caulked it up to him being “older” he’s was 36 at the time. Yeah no it was porn. His penis actually works now, it’s night and day difference!!

This is the only place I can also talk about it because otherwise I get slammed with hate by other women. It’s SOOO frustrating!! I wish they would wake up!! Society needs to wake up! This amount of ED in men is NOT NORMAL.

Polygraph went well today, he passed. I think this is the first time I’ve thought before hand that he isn’t acting out and was confident (still cautiously) that I was right. So yay for a gut feeling win.

It’s that time again, my SA’s maintenance polygraph. It’s scheduled for this coming Tuesday, I’ve sent over my questions to the examiner, he sent back refined questions and all is set. I was talking to my SA and told him that I was going to be a little vulnerable and that I’m actually feeling pretty good about the polygraph coming up. That I feel that he’s not hiding anything/isn’t acting out. His response “I have more anxiety this time” he tells me that each time it feels like more is at stake. This confuses me because shouldn’t it be easier? I mean this is his third, it’s with the same examiner AND he knows exactly what questions are being asked but he is somehow MORE anxious??? I understand being anxious but I don’t understand how this time around he says his anxiety is “through the roof”. It has made me incredibly suspicious and my feeling of security has washed away….

I’m wondering if anyone is having this experience as well.

My SA had a lot of traits that I was looking for in a man, he wasn’t everything but to me there was enough positives to outweigh the smaller things that I would have liked. Examples, he’s not romantic, he doesn’t take initiatives (outside and inside the bedroom), he’s nerdy and doesn’t give very masculine energy, I wasn’t that attracted to him psychically but other qualities about him let me moved past that and then eventually I loved him no matter how he looked (before dday), and just other everyday life things.

Now with the betrayal I am REALLY struggling to look past those things that weren’t my ideal but weren’t a deal breaker. I’m increasingly struggling to be romantically attracted to him and because of that our sex life is struggling. The only time I have sex is when nature ups the hormones and I’m purely wanting sex because I’m horny and that happens for MAYBE a couple days out of the month when I’m ovulating. Otherwise I have no desire for him.

I know I’ve fallen out of love with him, for a long while now. I think I still love him in some way because when he does mess up I get upset. I imagine if I didn’t love him and he messed up then I wouldn’t care? He tried to get couples counseling and he ended up flaking and I told him now is not the time because he is obviously not serious about it. There are other moments that shows he lack of consistency and consideration and those moments are making me go further into this hole of “I’m not attracted to you”

Someone recently commented about having an “ick list” and I think that is what’s happening here. There are so many “icks” that I am sinking into this hole.

Has anyone else experienced this?