u/Ok_Falcon_4410

My ex PA and I have had intermittent contact over the past month due to owning property together, shared pets, and sorting out belongings.

He has told me he is no longer attending meetings, been out drinking multiple times with his friends going home and punching holes in his drywall at 2 am, I saw in his new house copious amounts of empty alcohol containers and pizza boxes, not reading, watching ++ TV and working 60-72 hours/week. Claims he is still not watching porn but who knows.

I honestly feel like slapping him across the face. When dday first happened he was Mr. I'll do anything not to be sick, I'm doing this for myself to be a better man yadda yadda.

I do not want to be with him but I feel like he is this child that i have corraled for 7 years and i can see that he is completely spiraling. White knuckling, addiction swapping, completely stuck in shame. It makes me so angry that he blew up my entire effing life and now is just rotting away like a huge POS. Of course when i tried gently to let him know i think he is not well, he just brushes it off and says "everyone has a different vision of what doing well is, im working hard and focusing on my business." YET when i met him he said he had been working ++ overtime for years and going out drinking and he was lonely and wanted to settle down. My biggest nightmare is that he is so unintelligent that he will trick himself into believing i was the problem, drink and work heavily until he feels lonely, do absolutely no work and then do this same thing to another women. It truly causes me to lose sleep at night.

I have asked him to use my dad aa a middle man for contact because i know being in contact with him exacerbates my rage, (my dad knows every messy detail from his PA but also from my betrayal reactions early on including flipping our coffee table, having the police called on me etc etc), instead my ex wants us to use his friend, who knows nothing of the PA and only that my ex had to call the police on me. Additionally, my ex and his friend used to make fun of me via text message about being controlling, lame etc which i found when pain shopping early on and meanwhile my DAD asked my ex to reach out to him if he needed support because my dad felt sad that my ex was not comfortable to tell people or talk about the PA openly. It seems so selfish that my ex just refuses to face his PA at all its insane.

Am i crazy? How do people let go of the absolutely fury of these things? I feel like im talking to a 12 year old with ODD. He's a moron and it makes me feel furious. I just want to not care what he's doing but it's hard not to want to just grab him by the shoulders and shake him. I've considered telling one of his friends or his sister what has actually happened in hopes that they will step in to support him but i also worry that that seems vindictive and is again me picking up the slack for him.

EDIT to add that he was supposed to a disclosure post separation and the last time i asked he scoffed and said there's nothing you don't already know which we all know is a lie. i have come to terms now with the fact that getting a trash disclosure or finding out more will not help me in my journey forward so i don't want it anymore anyways but another infuriating moment in time post separation.

My (33 f) husband (34 m), moved out on May 30 to begin an 8 week therapeutic separation, and i swear he became a complete pathological liar in that time period. Hidden devices, going out drinking, lying about literally everything.

We have fully separated as of this past Friday and I feel like shit. The feeling that you were not worth it to that person to change is almost worse than the finding out about the porn in the first place.

I'm pissed that this ruined my summer, i'm pissed that i have to start my life over and essentially wasted the past 7 years of my life on some loser with no integrity, moral compass or sense of self.

Thankfully no kids, married (which also makes me pissed because he knew he had a porn addiction prior to this). I know I'm one of the lucky ones to still be early-ish on in life.

When does the pain and shame of the rejection wear off?

Been going through it with my PA since march when we had our first official Dday.

Been very up and down, sometimes it seems like he's really trying and sometimes he seems like a shell of a human (reports to be because he's depressed and sad from finding out hes a PA and just overall a bad husband). I don't think he's watching porn anymore, however, i could be completely mistaken on that.

Anyways, I have always been fully committed to any relationship I've been in. No fantasies of others, no entertaining men who hit on me etc.

Last night i finally just broke. He was somewhat dismissive of me before he went to work and i told him i'm making a dating app, which i did.

I would never imagine I'd be married to a person and accessing these apps. I have had a few short conversations with people here and there and honestly its so validating to see that people at least *seem* interested in me.

The guilt today is hitting me hard. I just don't know if i should cut the losses and get out of the relationship or put my energy back into it and not into random tinder dudes i feel crazy. I wish someone would come pack up all my belongings and find me a new house that i could jusy easily move into without any effort and i would be gone in a heartbeat.

Dday at the end of march of this year. We have been fumbling through since then. My husband is seeing a CSAT, going to SAA groups and doing lots of reading. The porn use seems to be at bay currently (assuming its a bit of the "pink cloud" phase). However, we are struggling to navigate the emotional/connection/communication piece since everything has blown up.

We have discussed a therapeutic seperation and I'm curious the thoughts and experiences people have with this? How long seems appropriate, do you have scheduled contact to discuss progress, if so, how frequently? Was it helpful? I feel like it gives me anxiety as with it comes a lack of control (but i also think it's a way to force me to let go of control).

We have no kids, both mid 30s together for 6 years, married for 1.

I also selfishly feel it might give me a headstart to moving on independently without the fear and immense grief that comes with having someone upend your life and then just callously leave you to pick up the pieces.

My (32f) husband (34m) has a PA. Dday was at the end of March. It's been up and down, more consistency from him, hes seeing a CSAT and going to SAA meetings. He got a flip phone and is using desktop computer to look things up as needed, we have accountability app on the computer.

However, he is still lacking transparency in general day to day conversations even after i have expressed in great detail the impact of this on our relationship. He has a hx of being avoidant and i assume the lack of transparency etc stems from this.

He keeps saying hes "trying" but then keeps not being transparent. He is doing lots of reading, speaking with his CSAT about it. Sometimes he is more transparent but often not. Usually with things that i otherwise wouldn't care about before my whole life imploded.

Wondering peoples thoughts on how long it takes for consistent changes to be made? I know its not cut and dry but after 6 weeks should this absolutely not be happening?

I ask this because im kinda committed to feeling it out, HOWEVER, I am not interested in wasting my time.

So i went away for the night (5 weeks post D day).

Goes without saying i asked my husband not to use porn. I have previously hid the electronics (remote for downstairs tv, his old phone, Playstation controller etc) hes been recovering from a surgery so i left the bedroom TV remote out and he has been sporadically watching that.

Last night, while im out of town, he sent me a picture of his pizza and i could tell he was sitting downstairs in the tv room. I asked him if he was watching TV and he said yes he was. I was pissed because i had hidden the remote (not well) so he obviously looked for it. I reacted quite heavily and he acted like it was not a big deal because a) we had watched a hockey game downstairs together since d day, b) he was honest when i asked and c) i can see what hes doing on the tv due to the google family link i have installed on all the devices and d) hes been watching tv upstairs so didnt think it would be a problem.

I absolutely crashed out about it last night and again today and told him to get all his shit out of my (our) house and leave before i get home, which he did but now im very sad. We have had a very emotionally turbulent relationship with him being very avoidant so its probably safe to say i have a bit of a trauma bond.

I know its like not that big of a deal and he was immediately honest but EVERYTHING feels like a HUGE deal right now. Like in my mind a reasonable thing to do would've been to call or text and say, "hey, i just ordered a pizza and id like to watch a show in the basement can you let me know where the remote is?" Or "i found the remote can i watch tv?", not say well im being transparent by omission because of a child proofing app required to keep me in line.

I know no one will think this is crazy other than for the fact that im still holding on to a sliver of hope for the relationship but just need to get it out there and i do feel quite reactive compared to my normal demeanor.