Am I toxic?
TLDR; I’m (26M) in a long distance relationship with my partner (22F) and we’ve been talking for 2+ yrs. Recently, we’ve been going through some rough parts of our relationships but we’ve been trying to make it work. Lots of overthinking and insecurities from our part but I’ve been trying to get us to talk about how we feel to put those thoughts to rest. Lately it’s felt that I haven’t been able to get or maintain he attention, kind of like I was boring her so I decided to ask her if she has felt that I haven’t been maintaining her attention on Sunday, she asked why I asked that and I told her that it felt like I was boring her.
For context as to why I feel this way, we had a virtual date planned last Monday and I sent her money so she could get some of the stuff that we needed for the date but she ended up hanging with a friend and I was left waiting. I didn’t make a big deal out of it cause she told me her friend went through a rough time and more than likely needed to talk to someone so I didn’t tell her it made me feel bad, but it did since she didn’t let me know that she wasn’t gonna have time for the date. Another day, we tried watching a movie but I noticed she was falling asleep, we’re in a call for a few min and she sends me a screenshot that shows she’s on a video call with someone else, or she tells me she’s going to bed and passes me a screenshot talking in a group call an hour later. There’s been more things but that’s how it’s felt like I’m boring her.
She ended up saying that she’s really sorry for making me feel that way but I was genuinely trying to figure out where was emotionally but it’s very hard for her to be open and honest. I ended up talking to her and letting her know she has my support and I want to help her but I feel like I didn’t giver her the chance to talk. When I did ask her something, she would say I don’t know and her tone would become frustrated and I think it was mostly because I was asking questions she didn’t know the answers to. I asked her if she wanted therapy since I had proposed it for couples therapy but she felt it was more of an individual thing, so I proposed 1-1 therapy so she feels more comfortable. She wasn’t sure but we called it a conversation and played on our pcs before going to bed.
The next day we had not talked practically the whole day even though I sent her various messages trying to make her feel loved. However, an hour after I got home from work I decided to call her just to make sure she was ok but she didn’t pick up. I decided to call her again an hour later but this time she full on rejected the call, didn’t let it ring. At that point I did become frustrated and I decided to send her a voice message. I asked her how she was doing and why she wasn’t texting back. I figured she had a lot to think about the night before and she was feeling bad about what we talked about in terms of her feelings, but the lack of communication bothered me. I told her that I wanted to support her and I wanted to give her what she needed and if she needed her space and time then that’s fine, I just wish she would tell me. I knew it would suck to have to let her go but I would respect it because that is what she needs. I told her it wasn’t fair for her to just ignore my messages or calls when I’m trying to be with her but I become worried when I don’t know if she’s okay. I didn’t say it in the calmest tone but I wasn’t screaming or yelling either. She said she was sorry and she wasn’t feeling well and I reassured her that it was okay to feel that way and if she didn’t wanna speak with me then that’s fine but I just wished she would tell me that part. We talked a bit more and I was more calm and let her know my genuine thoughts. We left it at that and we’re talking normally now but like I told her, we tend to do something else to distract ourselves from our emotions or worries and leave them in a corner to pile up which I told her I don’t think is healthy. I’m trying my best to support her but I don’t know if I’m doing it the best way right now. There’s more things that I’m worrying about in terms of how I am as a partner but this post is already long as it is. Might make a part 2 but we’ll see. Let me know your thoughts.