u/HearingResident4554

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Lost my hope again.

I don’t know how much more I can take. It feels like happiness was never designed for me, just a concept I’m forced to watch from a distance. The urge to just drop my hands and give up on absolutely everything hits so often now that I can’t even remember what a spark feels like—or if I ever truly had one to begin with.

There’s nothing left to look forward to. No dreams to chase, no real comfort to find, and no one left to trust. It feels like a guarantee that I’m destined to be left behind, fading into the background and forgotten. The sheer weight of it is suffocating—this agonizing, heavy dread born from endless stress and feeling constantly let down. It wears you down until you are completely numb, just waiting for the pressure to finally break you because the burden is too much to carry. I am just completely done. I don’t give a fuck anymore.

No offense but if I had known how everything would turn out

I would have ignored your message that day

I don't regret you

But sometimes I wish I had walked away in the beginning

And left things at hello.

I know the math of that moment.

Leaving that message unread would have meant the street,

homelessness, and most likely, death.

You were my sanctuary.

But to be cast off so carelessly now,

tossed aside in the moments I need that foundation the most,

is a different kind of dying.

Right now, when I desperately need an arm to hold onto,

when I am fighting to get the images of being raped out of my head,

I have nothing.

No ear to listen, no face to cling to,

no one to help drown out the vision that is causing me so much pain.

The only way I got through the agony of this day

was telling myself that at the end of it,

I would have your face to cling to.

The lady on the rape crisis line today even helped me

make a countdown on my phone,

so I could look at the ticking numbers all day long

and know I only had to make it just that much longer

until I finally had my friend.

I had been waiting all day long just to finally give my mind a rest.

Just to let the horrors dissipate, even for an hour.

But I see now—that is just an inconvenience to you.

To wait all those grueling hours,

bracing my mind against the dark just to reach you,

only to have the safety pulled out from under me at the finish line—

it is a brutal psychological shock.

My mind doesn't know where to land.

So that's fine.

Because you choose now—today—to take steps away from me.

I just wish you had taken those steps before.