Growing Apart
I female 25, just broke up with my partner. We were together for about a year. I don’t think I was ready for a relationship, he wasn’t either but we went for it. I did love him, but I have such a strange relationship with love that I pushed him away. Love is short, it is painful, it is vulnerable, it is warm. I miss feeling safe, I miss his guidance. Why can I not love him the way I could love others? Why do I have to feel pushed away to appreciate the comfort that he gave me freely? I did not appreciate him, at least not the way he deserved. I am not fast enough to run from the fear of uncertainty. I never truly trusted him. I have a bad relationship with trust men. My ex before this one that I am writing about was addicted to gay porn, so you know I had to step away from that (he was also sending nonconsensual nudes to men on Reddit). This of course destroyed me, I was living with him, and I really did think he would be the person I grew old with. I had to pivot. I move back with my parents and started hanging out with old friends from school. Long story short, one of these guys that I was friends with for years (literally was at funeral for one of his family members) took advantage of me on my birthday. I got drunk, I blacked out, the next day when I confronted him he said he knew I was blacked out but it already happened so what can he do about it. Now I did go to the police but I ended up giving up on that. I wish I didn’t but I just wanted to move on. I pushed all these feelings down, i wanted to forget. In this time of healing I met my now ex. He is an amazing guy. I wasn’t able to see that, in fact I still fear loving him. I mean really loving him, unconditional love, my heart could never get there. I wonder if I am still capable of loving someone, if I could feel passion again. I want to crave my partner, I want to submit to my partner, I wish it was him. I wish my heart could open again. I wish I didn’t look for faults, I want to love without fear. For now I told him that I needed to step away from our relationship, I let him know he deserves better than what I have to give. He is so kind to me still, he still wants us to be friends. I am choosing the path of celibacy, I wonder if can fix my heart. I want to love again.