My mom is super unhygienic and I don’t know what to do
Hello guys. So a lot of context is relevant to this, I think.
First of all I am 18 years old and my parents have been divorced for as long as I remember. I alternate between living with my parents, staying one week with my dad and the next with my mom if that makes sense.
My mom recently split with her long term boyfriend, who is the father of my two younger siblings. When they lived together, the house was somewhat messy and a little dirty, but it was mostly the kitchen. My mom would often complain that my stepdad didn’t contribute to the upkeep of the house as much as she did. I always questioned this, as I saw him cleaning more than she did, but I thought I might just have been wrong. I was not.
My mother bought a new house and my stepdad still lives in the old one, he has given it a total makeover and the place is spotless. It looks great. My mom’s house however, is honestly speaking disgusting. Super messy, dirty and just gross. I feel gross all the time just being here.
I can’t really clean it not only because I don’t have time, but also because my mom is really loose when it comes to expiration dates so I can’t throw anything out, or she would be upset. I have my own bathroom so that part is not an issue.
There is also an emotional aspect to the situation. My mom has always had psychological issues, that were diagnosed quite late. She was really aggressive and explosive with my siblings and me, when we were growing up. I won’t get too much into it, but she was easily angry and was very angry when she was angry. (Hope that sentence makes sense)
She also had a phase, where she would just leave. We still don’t know where she was or what she was doing, but my stepdad and I took care of my siblings so much that my brother started calling me mama. I think I was 15 and he was 7, if that matters.
My sister, who is 13 and my mom really don’t get along. When her parents split my sister decided to live only with her dad. This made my mom quite sad, but I’m not sure if she even understands why my sister made the choice.
A few days ago my sister had a coming of age party. A day before the party my sister came to my dad’s house where I did her nails, afterwards my stepdad drove us to my mom’s house where they both came inside. Our grandparents were visiting for the party, so my sister hugged them. They live far away, so we don’t see them often. Then she held up her hands to show everyone her nails, said bye and left with her dad. During this whole interaction, my mom didn’t say a word, she barely glanced at the nails and didn’t even turn around in her seat or stand up. When my sister left, my mom complained, that my sister had ignored her to my grandparents and said that she didn’t want to attend the party for that reason. My grandparents tried to talk some sense into her, but she was stubborn asf. They ended up getting pretty upset and canceled dinner plans with my mom. My grandma asked me to speak to my mom, which I did. She almost cried, but I stood my ground with crossed arms and a stern voice. I ended up just saying “I’m leaving” after a banger line about, how I would never do this to my children when she tried to guilt trip me by saying something about “wait till you have children”. My friend picked me up and I just started bawling. We practiced a dance to super trouper which we performed at my sister’s party. It was great, my sister loved it. After that we just made drinks and talked. At 21 o clock my mom texted me saying “If I go to the party, will you come home tonight” I just replied “yes” and came home and went straight to bed.
My mom came to the party and it was a really nice party, but I just lost so much respect and patience for her.
My mom also had her drivers license taken last year, because she was drinking and driving while on painkillers. The painkillers were totally legal and for a pretty bad back issue, that I can’t explain in English. So she has had a pretty hard time recently.
My boyfriend doesn’t want to come over when I’m with my mom because it’s so disgusting and because of the things she has done. (She largely contributed to my eating disorder, but it’s not really an issue now) He also finds the leaving phase especially troubling.
My boyfriend and one of my friends think I should stop living with my mom. My boyfriend isn’t pressuring me or anything, but my friend is really convinced, that I should even go no contact with my mom and he doesn’t even know about the hygiene issue. My sister has also asked me a few times, why I still live with my mom and I didn’t really have an answer for her.
I do really hate being here. I’m always just in my room or out with friends. I love cooking and baking but the kitchen is so gross, that I just can’t. I also don’t really talk well with my mom, and she is often upset, when I want to go out with friends. But my mom has it hard and I don’t want to upset her. It also caused a lot of drama when my sister stayed with her dad, and I just don’t want to cause drama or have my family try to convince me to change my mind. But they are still a little upset with her due to the party thing, so maybe now is the time?
What do I do? I’m in school and don’t have time to clean up her mess. Is moving out to extreme? Do I get a mini oven and fridge for my room?? Is there another option I haven’t considered? If you read all of this, thank you so much. I know it’s a lot sorry. Even more grateful if you would leave some advice.
Tiny little update:
I just took a bite of bread that tasted and smelled moldy. I think I am at my breaking point with this woman. At least I didn’t swallow.
I was worried that my boyfriend and friends were too overprotective, but a few strangers have told me today that I need to move out. I honestly didn’t really realize how bad it was until writing it out and still omitting things and trying to minimize the things she has done.
I just don’t really know how to do it. I’m going to talk with my dad about it tomorrow.