Is it normal that I want and fear pregnancy at the same time?
I have been TTC for 3 years, had 3 IVF cycles, 1 fresh embryo transfer, 2 failed FET (one of which is an MMC). I am 40.
I had a FET yesterday and my experience was a pretty bad one. I learned that they had stored a two embryos from the first IVF round and both the RE and clinic forgot to tell me about it. They even didn’t collect the storage fees. I was so upset about the whole thing and kept arguing with them… etc etc.
Anyways, I ended up doing the FET anyways. The whole experience was traumatic for me, esp that my partner was traveling for work. I cried so much before and so much after.
I have so much anxiety around pregnancy, especially since my one and only pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I am scared shitless and a big part of me doesn’t want to be pregnant and to go through all of that again. I am scared and for the most part alone. My husband won’t be around for most of the waiting period/and or the upcoming pregnancy.
I haven’t told my family/immediate friends because I can’t handle the stress of it all. The questions their fear the unwelcome, and uneducated advice.
I dont want to regret not having or trying for a child. But at the same time I am scared and don’t want one. Does it make sense? Who has been in my shoes?
Need advice, tips, anything at this moment. I am tired of it all. Just tired.