I feel like my spark is fading
M25(Colombia) Okay. At this point I feel like I have gone through the natural adhd life cycle so many times that I lost all hopes of actually living a good life. Before, even when things went wrong, I knew I had the potential to start over. New career, new country, new hobby. An essential spark that just kept me moving forward but this time the pattern recognition is so blatant that I just can't seem to be able to imagine a future. I cannot hyperfocus anymore, not even in the things that I used to like. I do not trust myself anymore.
My ex-girlfriend and I got pregnant some 10 months ago and that became the biggest illusion I have had in life, months later we had a miscarriage and going back to normal was heavy. A month ago I left my partner as I felt deeply underappreciated and misunderstood. She was a good woman but I felt lonely in the relationship. Nonetheless, living with her gave me so much structure that I deeply miss.
I wanted to be a game developer. Studied and worked abroad. Company I have worked on for 3 years as a graphic handyman just filled for bankruptcy and left me with two months left to be paid. I got in debt for trying to provide for the months I expected a salary but now I am left jobless and with debt.
Tried to switch to medicine at some point. But I realized it did not gave me enough time fo be the present father I want to be. I want to have a family above anything else.
Going to church but feeling like an impostor as while I do have many catholic values, the concept of God and Christ in the metaphysical level become really difficult for me to genuinely believe in.
I feel like I am losing the spark and the confidence to actually get over this. I have done it before but it is not evident to me that I can actually achieve anything in life. This is the first time I am actually thinking this after having a similar crisis every year for the past 7 years.
If you've been in a similar place, please tell me your story. I would gladly read it.