I don't feel any support from my wife.
I've been struggling, y’all. I’m closer to 40 now than 30. I’ve been a light daily user since I was a heavy-using teen. Most afternoons and nights I’ll have 3–4 dry herb vape sessions. These days it mostly just raises my heart rate and gives me anxiety, but it’s such an ingrained habit at this point.
I also know it leads me to drinking. Not every day, but damn near every other day. I’ve gained too much weight and just generally feel off.
I’ve quit for 1–2 days here and there. Last year I made it 30 days without weed, but I still drank some. I’ve also done 30 days without alcohol while still smoking. I really want to raw dog life for once, though. I honestly think if it just wasn’t in my house, I could finally do this.
I love my wife dearly. We’ve been together almost two decades and started young. We have kids together. She has serious diagnosed PTSD and feels weed helps her. I don’t necessarily agree that it helps, but she has no desire to quit, and that’s her choice. I respect that.
I had her lock all the weed and devices in a lockbox in the garage so I wouldn’t smell it in the house. But two days in, she brought a joint with us on a hike, and the smell in the car was so strong. I love that smell. Like, if I smell it too long, I completely lose my willpower. Even when she doesn’t bring it around, I smell it on her all day.
That day was rough too. Work was busy as hell, and the night before I’d been dealing with night sweats, chills, and crazy dreams. I told her all of that, so I was honestly surprised she brought the joint. I ended up smoking and reset my clock.
I swear, if I didn’t have kids to raise, I’d check myself into rehab for 30 days just to get away from it. It feels like I’ve been trying to quit every day for years.
And honestly, sometimes it feels like I have to choose between quitting and choosing my marriage, because attaining both at the same time feels impossible. She’s not someone who can tell me no, so even if I ask her to keep it away from me, if I eventually ask for it, she’ll give it to me.
edit to add history: I'm surprised she's not more supportive. In past years I've been a bit manic about both of us quitting or at least not having it in the house at all. Throwing out herb and devices. Part of me feels like I'm projecting my inability to quit on her but most recovery advice is to get away from it for a period of time.