Am I a bad person?
Hi everyone! This is the first time I'm talking about my problem, but I really need to understand how much of an asshole I am. Get ready, this story might be long. Also, English is not my native language, so I used a translator.
I have (well, I hope I still have) a best friend, Moda (a pseudonym). We've been friends since 6th grade, after she and I moved to this city at almost the same time (which is surprising). We're now in our first year of university, in different cities and different schools, so we haven't seen each other for a whole year... She's very sociable and an extrovert; she constantly needs attention, so she's always talking to someone. She can't live without communication (she told me this herself). I'm the complete opposite: one or two people around me is enough, plus my social battery drains very quickly and recovers extremely slowly. This is an important detail in this story.
Moda and I were inseparable: we hung out together, spent time together, always walked together at school — in short, I really considered her my best friend. In 9th grade, I focused even more on my studies because I had to prepare for exams, and I'm a very responsible person when it comes to academics. According to her, this is when our friendship problems started — problems I had no idea about. During this time, I started spending more time on studying, watching webinars, reading, etc. — as you can imagine, I had little free time for outings and games, but we still spent less time together. In 10th grade, after exams, we continued hanging out, but Moda was in her final year at art school, so then she was the busy one. In 11th grade, yes, our time together consisted of talking at school plus messaging on social media, but that was completely fine with me because I'm an introvert and don't really like talking to people much. Important to note here: Moda often skipped classes, sometimes for weeks at a time, so we mainly communicated through messages.
After graduating, she got into a creative university in one city, and I got into a humanities university in another. I really hoped she would come to the city where we studied (where our parents work) for winter break, but she couldn't because she had gotten an axolotl, a hedgehog, and a cat, so traveling by train with all that would have been difficult. Still, we continued communicating well and occasionally played games over call (but very rarely, because I get much more homework — which is also very time-consuming — and again, I'm a terribly responsible person, so my education and career come before everything else. I'll come back to this theme). Also, every day Moda would send me voice messages that could total over an hour, sometimes nearly two — she would send them in 10–15 minute chunks. And I listened to all of them because she told me I'm the only person who does that. All her other friends get tired of that much information.
I need to introduce another key figure here: I have a wonderful online friend, Caramelka. The three of us would also occasionally call and play games together. By the way, Moda and Caramelka could chat for 6 hours without me, playing all sorts of video games. I should also mention that Caramelka is still in school and lives with her parents, so decisions about trips to the countryside or vacations are made by them, plus she often isn't allowed to stay home alone. And she went to the countryside often, so the three of us rarely spent time together.
And here's where the most important part begins.
On April 13, Moda suggested we all play together. For three weeks before that, we'd been trying to coordinate plans and spend time on weekends, but the first time I couldn't, the second time Caramelka went to the countryside with her parents where internet is barely available, and the third time Moda's grandmother came to visit, so she couldn't. This time, Caramelka was busy again and didn't have access to a computer (the game is PC-only). After that refusal in the evening, Moda suddenly left our group chats. When I noticed, I immediately wrote to her because I was worried something had happened. And then she started yelling at me, saying why should she always have to accommodate us. She also said (and this was the basis of all her accusations against me) that I spend more time with Caramelka than with her! That Caramelka and I play together and don't invite her out of politeness, even though she's my best friend and, according to her, I should spend all my time with her. I don't know, maybe it's some kind of jealousy, but hear me out. Moda started accusing me that there was a situation once (I'm not sure it actually happened because I don't remember it and it doesn't fit my behavior at all) where she invited me to chat on the phone, I refused, saying I had important things to do, and then that same day she saw me playing with Caramelka. This might sound absurd to you, but please, tell me what to do.
As promised, I'm coming back to the topic of responsibility. Moda said, why do I 'choose everyone but her?' Who is 'everyone'? I only talk to her and Caramelka, and even then, I talk to her much more. Yes, I say outright that my future is my priority, that I work so hard because I understand my parents won't support me, and no one else will. And I think it's perfectly right to take care of my career. I study diligently because I want to support myself, I don't want to be a burden to anyone. So I go to all my classes at uni, come home late in the evening, do tons of homework, and go to sleep. On weekends, I clean the house on Saturday, do homework in the evening, and do homework on Sunday too. That's it! Sometimes I make time for myself, but that's necessary. Moda is the opposite — a less responsible person with a lot of free time. She always skips classes, even though she's paying tuition, plus they don't get nearly as much homework as we do. So in that sense, of course, she's always free.
During our fight, I was constantly trying to calm Moda down because she was literally cursing me out in voice messages. Eventually, I promised that I would play with her at least once a week, even if my weekends were incredibly busy — I was ready to show her that she's not nothing to me. But no, Moda kept insisting that I'm a terrible person for not being willing to sacrifice myself for friendship! She also said that she doesn't feel like she's my best friend or comes first, that I have to prove it — but why should I have to do that in the first place? This is all very strange. I apologized a million times, fully accepted my guilt, agreed that I'm a bad person, just like she said. And then she started claiming that I'm manipulating her by writing, 'yes, I really am a bad person.' Even though I never even thought about manipulation! Why would I need that?? I agreed with her because she was already furious and I didn't want to make things worse. I'm completely non-confrontational with people close to me; it's easier for me to swallow my pride and give in. The worst thing is that Moda said she's been putting up with me for 3 years (her exact words)! But why didn't she tell me this before? There wasn't even a hint of a serious conversation. And why did she put up with it all this time? Why didn't she just stop talking to me? Anyway, I sent her many more apologies — not empty words — but she started ignoring me. After that day, I wrote to her every day, wished her good morning and good night, asked how she was doing, but the silence continued.
Two days later, she replied — I suggested we play because I promised we'd spend more time together. She refused and answered very tersely. I told her to rest then, but also let her know that I'm open to constructive dialogue. And then she started laying into me again. We argued for another hour, after which she started ignoring me again.
I kept writing to her, even though she didn't respond. After a week, I asked why she was ignoring me. She said: 'I just don't know how to act with you anymore. It feels like betrayal.' Betrayal from me!! Seriously? I was so shocked. We argued for another 4 hours then. She kept yelling at me, pressuring me, manipulating me, and telling me how awful I am. So many ugly things came to light. I don't even want to remember them. But one thing stunned me:
A little backstory to help you understand the situation: In 8th grade, we became friends with another girl, let's call her Ava. Ava really wanted to spend time with me (as it turned out, she just needed a support person she could constantly complain to about everything, and when she no longer needed that, she ended things with me), and I found her interesting — we had similar interests. At that time, Moda was close with another girl, and they were very close then too, plus Moda had a partner, so she spent more time with them than with me, but we remained friends. In 10th grade, unfortunately, I stopped talking to Ava.
After that, Ava became close with Moda. So here's the revelation: apparently, throughout our entire 'friendship,' Ava was trash-talking me, but Moda continued being friends with her while her loved one was being badmouthed right in front of her. Maybe I don't understand something, but I wouldn't stay friends with someone who's against someone close to me.
Moda said a lot of things to me and demanded that I write to her what I've done for her. And I wrote her a huge list, just as she asked. What did she do? She devalued all my actions and sacrifices. She just took them and devalued them! I felt so hurt after that, but I still kept trying to compromise and somehow let her know how sorry I was about all of this. Guess what she did. Correct answer: she started ignoring me again. Today is May 10th, and she's been acting like I don't exist for 17 days now. I wrote to her a week ago, asking how she was, but she only deigned to read my messages three days ago. Great, just wonderful. All this time, she's been posting various photos in her Telegram channel of her playing with other people, and recently she posted a picture of having talked to someone for 14 hours with the caption, 'Right, who needs sleep anyway.' Is she doing this to spite me or what? I really don't understand. But either way, I don't care who she plays with.
So, is there any advice on what to do in this situation? I genuinely value our friendship and Moda, and I'd like to continue talking to her. And am I the asshole for choosing my education and taking care of my future over playing games?